To voluntarily put my child into care

[Crumplesock]

We are at the point now where we think we may need to either put our eldest into the care system or seperate and live in 2 seperate homes to keep our children apart for fear that the eldest will seriously harm the younger two children. However, I'm not sure how we will actually finance two seperate homes (even 2 x 1bedroom flats).

Our son is autistic with a PDA profile. We are low demand parenting, and he does not attend school after being excluded and we are following his lead in Home Education. We followed the At Peace Parenting Course (which is amazing and so insightful, if not a little crazy on price!) but she told us we need to radically accept that this is our son's disability, this is part of it and we need to accommodate it. She shared how her family had to live sperately for a while. We are being advised by all the professionals that we are doing all we can for our son's needs and are accommodating and parenting him in line with his disabilities. But I just feel so broken at it.

As our son is getting bigger, his level of aggression is increasing and becoming harder to manage. We attempt to keep the children separated at all times but this is hard when there is only 1 parent at home and all 3 do need to be watched constantly.

Our other two children, and us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily.

Our son has taken to doing home workouts, which is absolutely brilliant and I want to encourage a healthy lifestyle but his strength is crazy. I've witnessed him do 20+ pull ups, he can now lift 1.5× his bodyweight in a Deadlift. I spoke to him about this passion of his and he said its so he can always make sure he is the strongest and to make people scared of him.

I know deep down there's a scared boy in there, whose doing this as a reaction to school trauma and being pushed around by school bullies (he had it quite bad). But it also terrifies me at how he is stronger than me and it won't be long before he levels with my husband.

I have spoke to Social Sevices today who has said they'll get a support package and stated that this is Child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse and that they do need to safe guard our other children

Also have in writing that the LA don't recognise ASD and ADHD as a disability in adults and that they don't believe in making reasonable adjustments for SEND families in schools or when accessing LA services

JR for failure to provide section 19 provision is brought in the child’s name not your name. Therefore, for JR proceedings themselves (not the pre-action letter) DC can, assuming they qualify, be eligible for legal aid in their own right.

This is awful but sadly you are not alone. We do seem to be living through times when the rights and protections afforded to disabled people are not being upheld. EASS will provide free advice on equality law and have template letters.

From what we have been advised by Legal Aid is that educational JRs cannot be undertaken in the child's name, only if it's discrimination not just on failure to provide

Sadly, you have been misinformed. That isn’t uncommon. Some of the employees on the legal aid helpline don’t know this.

See here.
“Most education-related JR challenges can be brought in the child’s name which means that the child will probably be financially eligible for legal aid and there would be no cost to parents to take this to court. There is not however legal aid available for any part of the process up to and including creating and sending the pre-action protocol letter.”

Failure to provide s19 provision is included in that.

Ah thank you, I'll see if I can get through again on Legal Aid, I tried twice and they were very insistent I was incorrect

You are not incorrect.

You could try approaching firms directly. Although you have to persevere here too because some aren’t taking on direct approaches.

@Crumplesock

The other firm I would suggest is Bindmans, Crumplesock.

https://www.bindmans.com/legal-services/individual/education-law/

@Crumplesock i am sure you mentioned separate home on your original post.
I really think you need to make this a priority.
The child doesn’t want /can’t cope with siblings .
You are all drowning in the Same home.
You can’t walk around shops and give your other kids no routine.

Your son needs routine stability and strength.
You are going to have to dig deep and find strength you don’t know you have. .
Be firm and lead .

The other kids need a nurturing environment where their needs are met also .

I think you son would be less over whelmed with two home . You and dh can take turns story’s n at spending time in son’s home .

Are they aware that a) the name doesn't matter and it's the needs and b) the Equalities Act 2010 disagreed with them? By law adjustments do have to be made

I can't see how we can afford 2 seperate homes, we barely survive in one @Imbusytodaysorry , we done the math and we would both need to be working 2 jobs which isn't possible

I'd be pushing for a private residential specialist school to be named on his ehcp. He would get more support there than in the standard care system. Many take children from year 3, a good school will have all the therapists on site to help him. The sooner you can do this the better outcome and the better chance he will have

Just want to say you are doing amazingly well to keep fighting in the face of such shocking indifference from services. Keep going. Hopefully you will eventually get him into a place where he can thrive and his siblings are safe. You sound like a great mum. Social care team sound negligent. Keep pestering them. You will win better care for your son eventually. Have you written to your MP? I know that social services will often pay more attention if you do that.

Is there any way you could split your current home into two separate flats to provide a safe living space for your younger DC? The running costs would then not be much/any different if it was just the internal structure that changed but remained registered as one dwelling.

The Ops son doesn't even have an EHCP it's highly unlikely he would get a place in a specialist residential school
And even if he did the LA would still have to find a school that agrees it can meet her child' needs and.this could be anywhere in the UK Btw
It's really not realistic option and for posters to bang on about residential school, s as if its a simple process doesn't help anyone.

This was us basing it on 2 x 1 bedroom flats @AdmittowearingCrocs , area is pricey here

We are seeking a residential school, and that's sort of what I meant by "putting into care". But the EHCP process is just mad, LA doesn't keep to the law at all

Yes and unfortunately the social care assessment that there are no 'unmet needs' ( in their opinion) will weaken any chance of an expensive residential placement. There is no clear route to achieving this but the ground rules for success are to get the agencies who have decision making power on your side and arguing your case on your behalf. You cannot get help simply by needing it or asking for it in the way portrayed in TV dramas

And even if he did the LA would still have to find a school that agrees it can meet her child' needs

Only if the school was wholly independent. Non-wholly independent schools can be named even if the school objects. Lots of residential schools are wholly independent, but some aren’t. Some are s41 independents, NMSS or maintained/academy/free schools.

Can't believe the CAMHS worker is in agreement to you having 2 family homes. This shouldn't even be considered, your poor family.
So what happens to parents who literally call social services and say they aren't going to look after their child anymore, because the situation is dangerous and someone is at risk of being fatally injured.
If I was caring for an elderly relative and the situation became untenable I can advise social services that from x date I will no longer be providing care and they are forced to intervene.
Is there an equivalent for parents that will force action to move your son to a residential setting?

There are no clear answers. Social Work will advise parents to call the Police if they feel they are in danger. The Police will advise you to get back to Social Work to try to get more support - they are used to these calls as per mental health threats to life, and are usually sympathetic but it's not going to result in a quick answer. It's a very very long process most of the time.

Where did I say punish?

We use rewards, which if immediate are effective for a child with ADHD of this age.

Do X - get Y.
Don't do X - don't get Y.
Expectations can include picking up your toys, not hurting your sister, practicing your reading, whatever is appropriate for the moment.
It has taken months and months but we are at the point of "do you want to pull your sister's hair or do you want to watch TV" and he chooses appropriate behaviour.

There are 3 main reasons our son is aggressive: 1 he is anxious about something e.g. putting on a helmet for a sport, going in a crowded room. He does need to do it at some point but we stay still and wait and do nothing and e.g. sit in the room and quietly read and he can sit in the room with us or outside on his own.
2 he likes the brouhaha - dopamine seeking - we try to be as quiet and calm and walk off including if necessary putting us and DD in another room and shutting the door. ADHD Dude says don't engage when kids argue back - this is the opposite of "gentle parenting explaining everything and "curiosity and empathy" from therapeutic parenting but it works.
3 he's learned it gets him out of something. He said to us "I will kick my TA and then I'll get to go to pupil support and finish my colouring ". So kicking off doesn't get what you want now.

Sorry I forgot - I didn't spot the PRU expecting that 12 weeks at home is going to help - sod that - being overwhelmed by a mainstream class is not going to get better if he doesn't have to be with other children for 12 weeks. It's like saying "we're going to teach him to not be afraid of spiders by taking him away from them for 12 weeks then putting him in a bag of spiders".

I think you are tilting at a strawman and not engaging with serious relational approaches. When kids get dysregulated their finer cognitive functions go offline so talking/reasoning becomes ineffective, and may exacerbate the situation. At that time strategies are needed to descalate and reregulate. Reflection and learning, ideally through natural consequences rather than punitive actions, comes at a time of calm where they can be processed by the child.

PACE is a relational approach rooted in neuroscience used widely in services. It is about the attitude held towards a child by care givers. It recognises developmental capacities and how they are impacted by trauma.

PACE has no scientific evidence behind it. All the papers published on it are by the man who made it up and his friends.
Natural consequences are unlikely to work for children with short mental time spans because they can't think too far ahead/back. DS can't comprehend that it will be freezing at the ski slope because he can't remember last time we went and he can see it's warm outside our house. But if we say he can choose the music in the car on the way there he'll try on his gloves and bring them.