To voluntarily put my child into care

[Crumplesock]

We are at the point now where we think we may need to either put our eldest into the care system or seperate and live in 2 seperate homes to keep our children apart for fear that the eldest will seriously harm the younger two children. However, I'm not sure how we will actually finance two seperate homes (even 2 x 1bedroom flats).

Our son is autistic with a PDA profile. We are low demand parenting, and he does not attend school after being excluded and we are following his lead in Home Education. We followed the At Peace Parenting Course (which is amazing and so insightful, if not a little crazy on price!) but she told us we need to radically accept that this is our son's disability, this is part of it and we need to accommodate it. She shared how her family had to live sperately for a while. We are being advised by all the professionals that we are doing all we can for our son's needs and are accommodating and parenting him in line with his disabilities. But I just feel so broken at it.

As our son is getting bigger, his level of aggression is increasing and becoming harder to manage. We attempt to keep the children separated at all times but this is hard when there is only 1 parent at home and all 3 do need to be watched constantly.

Our other two children, and us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily.

Our son has taken to doing home workouts, which is absolutely brilliant and I want to encourage a healthy lifestyle but his strength is crazy. I've witnessed him do 20+ pull ups, he can now lift 1.5× his bodyweight in a Deadlift. I spoke to him about this passion of his and he said its so he can always make sure he is the strongest and to make people scared of him.

I know deep down there's a scared boy in there, whose doing this as a reaction to school trauma and being pushed around by school bullies (he had it quite bad). But it also terrifies me at how he is stronger than me and it won't be long before he levels with my husband.

I have spoke to Social Sevices today who has said they'll get a support package and stated that this is Child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse and that they do need to safe guard our other children

I am so sorry!

Re the CIN assessment, I don’t know so am hypothesising- do they mean “ you are normal, he is safe” rather than “this is a typical family’?

As in, not investigating you for abuse/neglect whatever.

I’ve been out of the system for a while so may not be right.

There is a risk that they decide the other children are unsafe because of the child with difficulties …. So it’s a bloody hard task to get them to react appropriately.

But how can this be seen as a safe household for the siblings who are receive daily injuries and are unable to complete homework or home learning or be seen in uniform. I try and keep the other two out of the home from 7.30am until bedtime, which often means sandwiches for dinner and waling around supermarket for something to do and to keep warm. How can it be seen as safe for our son whose in daily distress, looking skinnier and skinnier. How can it be safe for me and my husband who are both struggling with our mental health.

I honestly wouldn't be shocked if something happens soon with someone dying in this family. I've expressed all this to social.

This CIN report was done without even undertaking an appropriate assessment too and have that in writing confirming that the social haven't completed the assessment but have enough to write the report which had huge blanks in it with "n/a typical family no unmet needs"

@Crumplesock

My own experience is that this whole system is underfunded and in utter crisis. I would demand a reassessment. Demand. Find out your rights and enforce the law. If they can fob you off then they will. Find out the email of director of children’s services, log every daily incident you have.

And I’m sorry, but - whatever you are told by these agencies will be IMO permissive style of parenting. I strongly don’t believe in this, otherwise we would be seeing good results. We are not. If it worked, then the system would be working.

I’m a big fan of Supernanny type parenting. Throwing a glass over a bath request is completely unacceptable and whether you use restraint or a time out technique - he absolutely needs to know that he cannot behave like that.

Think you may be missing the counterfactual.
Also do you have a similar child?

If you've had a CIN assessment it sounds like you had child protection sw. You need a disability assessment via the disability social services team.

I think keeping the other children away from the home is probably going to make things worse. It highlights that he is different and he is likely to think they are getting special time with you. I'd go for the opposite approach - give him extra special time.

I have no idea what permissive parenting is, don't think that's what we have been recommended at all. School and Social keep telling us to rule using fear, make the home environment hostile he doesn't want to stay in it. IMO that's child abuse. However, we have tried traditional parenting with the punishments but that makes it even worse and things escalate worse and it does make sense given that we are punishing him for being in autistic meltdown.

We are constantly told our parenting style is wrong. Try it this way. Then that's wrong. So Try it this way. We have been on 16 different courses now and feel totally sick.

This may be a completely useless suggestion, bit I've read your posts, and as a counter argument for the services trying to say you're functioning or there's no problem, would having CCTV inside the house so you can literally shove video evidence in their faces be of any help? Would surely give you more weight to argue

He knows its not extra special time @sunshine244 and has said he would prefer them never to home ever again.

I had that line of thinking too @HeadsAlwaysSpinnig but they refused to watch the videos

But it removes you from the home. Doesn't he want more time with you?

The other aspect for PDA is that guilt is usually a huge trigger. Even though he says he doesn't want them there he will probably have a huge sense of shame over the other children being kept away because of him. Trying to reduce guilt/shame is a very important part of therapeutic parenting. You say the uniforms etc trigger him too. This is presumably because he feels he is failing g because he isn't also at school.

Anything you can try to do to reduce this feeling might make huge positive differences.

The National Accociation of Theraputic Parenting can provide support. https://www.naotp.com/

Low demand parenting doesn't work because when the triggers are avoided, other things become triggers. That's how anxiety works.
You need ADHD Dude and SPACE.

Therapeutic parenting doesn't work either. I can give you a link to a paper if you like (but therapeutic parenting gurus don't believe me - they don't believe in evidence, only "what I feel in my heart").

Reactions will get worse before things get better because he isn't used to you asking him to do anything and up till now he has always got out of things by reacting.

https://www.spacetreatment.net/manual-and-books

And there is good shame. Do not try to eliminate shame. Children learn that it's bad to hurt others through shame if they do something to hurt someone.

An abused child is shamed for e.g. not eating their dinner or wetting the bed.
A loved child feels shame for hurting their parent or sibling.

And see,look how conflicting parenting advise is. Just on here. I feel so overwhelmed by it.

@Crumplesock what is happening with the EHCP?

Waiting to decide whether they'll issue. They've dropped hints that they won't be though as they've said they don't see why he can't have a suitabele education in a mainstream setting if he tries a PRU 12 week intervention course, which completely misses his SEND. Private OT and SALT assessments have been sent to the LA to include, both independent from each other and both conclude he needs 2:1 support from trusted and consistent individuals and is around the ability of a 3 year old with social skills.

I'm sorry to scare here but my friend very nearly lost custody of her younger 3 children due to SS deeming her eldest a risk to them.

He was extremely violent,would hurt my friend,her DH and his siblings.He would break things and cause damage to the house.

Things got completely unmanageable as he got into secondary school;he developed a fixation with knives and he ended up stabbing someone.

He was in a residential school during secondary school but home at the weekends where he'd be a nightmare for his family.

My friend and her DH are wonderful parents but unfortunately even the best parents can't be everything to everyone in a situation like this.

Complain about the social care assessment and the outcome. If that doesn’t work, you can request an independent review. And then you can also complain to the LGO. Depending on specifics, JR may be possible.

If you have to appeal to SENDIST about an EHCP at any point, you can also request an extended appeal. If you go down this route, you can look at an independent social worker assessment if necessary. If you can’t afford independent assessments and you aren’t eligible for legal aid, which can fund assessments, contact Parents in Need.

Has the EP completed their assessment yet?

OP I didn't want to read and run. You sound like an absolute warrior going through a horrendous time.

for those posters criticising, there is no simple fix and your whole family is just trying to survive this period.

I really hope that you get some respite and something clicks!

EP completed assessment yes, yet to receive a copy though

Behaviour and cognitive based systems - that take account of neurodiversity - are evidence based.
Removing all shame and "therapeutic" parenting is not evidence based.
So yes, they conflict. And I was made to feel like an evil toad when we were asked to go on a therapeutic parenting course and I refused because we have a behaviour based system that is based on actual research and that works.
But I'll go with the science. I won't give my children homeopathy or acupuncture either.

@Crumplesock

Your situation is truly awful, Crumplesock.

Do you think that he could be considered for the Gretton School?

https://www.grettonschool.com/admissions

Gretton is one of the schools we are hoping to name on the Plan, I do beleive it's suitable and they have space

By the way, the PRUs deal with almost entirely children with SEN, by definition. We found they weren't always good at spotting anxiety, but did some good work around gradually increasing demands with DS. Don't write them off till you've tried them.

And if he won't go to start with, you need to work on it and not allow him to have a fun time at home with screens if he doesn't go. Rewards for trying something that makes him anxious, no rewards for not trying. Do a lot of standing and waiting. Take a book (I find this is more effective than looking at my phone).