To voluntarily put my child into care

[Crumplesock]

We are at the point now where we think we may need to either put our eldest into the care system or seperate and live in 2 seperate homes to keep our children apart for fear that the eldest will seriously harm the younger two children. However, I'm not sure how we will actually finance two seperate homes (even 2 x 1bedroom flats).

Our son is autistic with a PDA profile. We are low demand parenting, and he does not attend school after being excluded and we are following his lead in Home Education. We followed the At Peace Parenting Course (which is amazing and so insightful, if not a little crazy on price!) but she told us we need to radically accept that this is our son's disability, this is part of it and we need to accommodate it. She shared how her family had to live sperately for a while. We are being advised by all the professionals that we are doing all we can for our son's needs and are accommodating and parenting him in line with his disabilities. But I just feel so broken at it.

As our son is getting bigger, his level of aggression is increasing and becoming harder to manage. We attempt to keep the children separated at all times but this is hard when there is only 1 parent at home and all 3 do need to be watched constantly.

Our other two children, and us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily.

Our son has taken to doing home workouts, which is absolutely brilliant and I want to encourage a healthy lifestyle but his strength is crazy. I've witnessed him do 20+ pull ups, he can now lift 1.5× his bodyweight in a Deadlift. I spoke to him about this passion of his and he said its so he can always make sure he is the strongest and to make people scared of him.

I know deep down there's a scared boy in there, whose doing this as a reaction to school trauma and being pushed around by school bullies (he had it quite bad). But it also terrifies me at how he is stronger than me and it won't be long before he levels with my husband.

I have spoke to Social Sevices today who has said they'll get a support package and stated that this is Child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse and that they do need to safe guard our other children

If he went into the care system what would happen with his schooling? Would he be accepted back in to a suitable school? I would think getting home schooling in the care system might be tricky?

Yes correct @BrightYellowTrain ! One of those letters first!

Looked after children can, in some cases, be electively home educated. Some are also educated otherwise than at school. Although they can also be placed in a school.

You're in my prayers OP, your situation really has struck a child with me.

Maybe different meds - but DS (ASD and ADHD) was offered medication from about the age 7 or 8 - and there were other children at school his age taking them. We didn't need to go down that route in the end, but there was no suggestion children that young should not be prescribed anything?

I have no idea if it's an option for your DS - but I find it odd that it's just been ruled out. Although I have never seen a GP about DS - it was always done through the paediatrician.....

Good luck with everything!

@Crumplesock If possible you should have a support person with you during this visit and I personally would advise you to record the meeting. If the meeting is occurring in your own home they have no authority to object to you recording them as you can do anything you want in your own home. They might not like it but that’s tough and they can’t stop you from doing it. Sometimes, not all the time, Social services have a habit of misrepresenting what parents say and outright lying about them and their children and remember that these are the same children services team, under the same Director, who are withholding an EHCP and help that your child desperately needs. Better safe than sorry is my motto and much better that you have your own independent record of what was said. These interviews are distressing so parents need their own independent record of everything that was said not a one sided record from children services staff who are refusing to help meet your child’s needs with an EHCP. All the best.

Thank you, we did end up recording it, I've already transcribed the meeting and followed up with an email too.

ADHD meds - now that we have finally got a complicated combo that worked - have saved our family life.
These are the ones that can be given younger, I believe.
I said upthread that given the aggression it may be ADHD though I don't think this is being investigated?

ADHD was already invested, he hasn't got ADHD.

Edited as posted on wrong thread.

Sorry yes - I wasn't suggesting he did, I just meant that we were offered meds at that age (albeit for a different condition) so I was surprised they were using age as a reason not to. But maybe the meds for your son would be much stronger or have side effects or something.

Any update from the assessment? I’ve been a silent reader. Hope you are okay x

I recorded the whole thing and have transcribed and sent it across but haven't heard anything back other than the Social Worker confirming she was confused why the LA hadn't agreed to assess his SEND yet they've requested she assess him as a child in need. I sent that email across to the LA's SEND Manager stating that clearly our son should be having an EHCP assessment, but she ignored it and came back with some waffle about having another TAF.

I'm sorry this is all so stupidly hard. We've just been quoted £900 for a pre-action letter too.

Assuming your solicitors have done the appeal against refusal to assess, like @Greyrocked said it's likely just a delaying tactic, just their standard operating procedure and the "reasons" are just parroted. Whether you engage with them on the reasons or not they might just ignore you then capitulate on the EHCNA a day or two before the deadline, based on absolutely no new evidence. Your evidence is probably fine as it is, they just run the clock down at every single opportunity. You need to be on their back every time they fail to meet a deadline. It's exhausting. And those timescales are so long when your family is at breaking point. But every day that ticks by after your appeal has gone in takes you a day closer to the next step.

It's absolutely exhausting.

I'm emailing everyone in the LA throughout the day and have gone to the Ombudsman too with my complaint that I don't believe they resolved fairly, so waiting for that.

I've also put in formal complaints about the individuals in the LA, quoting how they're not fulfilling their job description

@Alstation depending on what the pre-action letter is for, SOSSEN may be able to help, and for some things, they can help for free. Although there is a wait.

Thank you @BrightYellowTrain . Their waiting list is too long for what we need, but I'm sure this will be useful for others.

To update, social care assessed and declared that our family have no unmet needs and that our family is completely normal and functioning.

Idk what i was hoping for but I really can't beleive that this is a normal family? Yesterday my son threw a glass (yes I know, i shouldn't have left it where he could reach) at me and his little sister. Luckily missed us but glass everywhere and he just says we deserved it because I mentioned a bath would be a good idea.

We are seriously struggling to maintain his hygiene and ensure he eats, he is definitely deteriorating.

@Crumplesock I’m so sorry pal 💔

If this new style of low demand parenting is working then why is "his level of aggression is increasing and becoming harder to manage" and why "us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily". That indicates its not working very well. Just a thought. Also would someone in the care system manage using a different system?

We have tried traditional parenting through and found it became a lot worse. He is triggered by the increasing autonomy of his siblings andnin particular that his brother attends school.

We need help and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I do think if me and my husband died then they'd be better off because then they'd be split up and be with people who know how to parent better than us as because we aren't capable at all. I'm drowning here.

Have you read about Therapeutic Parenting? Sarah Naish writes about it.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Yes @VolcanoJapan key parts of that style aligns with the collaborative parenting style we were advised to do by ASD Outreach services and CAMHS

Op, I just caught up with your posts. You are a bloody magnificent woman and it breaks my heart to read about the huge crises your family go through.

A good friend of mine has a teen with ASD and PDA. It has been incredibly tough for them and, like you, they've had to fight for every crumb of support. It's been utter hell at times. They are also in Essex.

Things got better for them once they accessed the correct support (child was also excluded) but getting there was complete torture.

I am not sure what I am trying to say here. I guess it's that I have had a glimpse of what your daily reality is. PDA is so misunderstood. Sending a huge, virtual, unmumsnetty hug.