To voluntarily put my child into care

[Crumplesock]

We are at the point now where we think we may need to either put our eldest into the care system or seperate and live in 2 seperate homes to keep our children apart for fear that the eldest will seriously harm the younger two children. However, I'm not sure how we will actually finance two seperate homes (even 2 x 1bedroom flats).

Our son is autistic with a PDA profile. We are low demand parenting, and he does not attend school after being excluded and we are following his lead in Home Education. We followed the At Peace Parenting Course (which is amazing and so insightful, if not a little crazy on price!) but she told us we need to radically accept that this is our son's disability, this is part of it and we need to accommodate it. She shared how her family had to live sperately for a while. We are being advised by all the professionals that we are doing all we can for our son's needs and are accommodating and parenting him in line with his disabilities. But I just feel so broken at it.

As our son is getting bigger, his level of aggression is increasing and becoming harder to manage. We attempt to keep the children separated at all times but this is hard when there is only 1 parent at home and all 3 do need to be watched constantly.

Our other two children, and us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily.

Our son has taken to doing home workouts, which is absolutely brilliant and I want to encourage a healthy lifestyle but his strength is crazy. I've witnessed him do 20+ pull ups, he can now lift 1.5× his bodyweight in a Deadlift. I spoke to him about this passion of his and he said its so he can always make sure he is the strongest and to make people scared of him.

I know deep down there's a scared boy in there, whose doing this as a reaction to school trauma and being pushed around by school bullies (he had it quite bad). But it also terrifies me at how he is stronger than me and it won't be long before he levels with my husband.

I have spoke to Social Sevices today who has said they'll get a support package and stated that this is Child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse and that they do need to safe guard our other children

Hence me saying if you can.

But exercise doesn't need a prescription or an expensive professional. It isn't just good for people, the evidence is that it is AS good as antidepressants.

If you can do it is well worth doing. Don't assume that other people don't have similiar experiences, even if we have found different solutions.

BOTH are evidence based solutions

The OP says he is doing exercise though.so that's a moot point.

And child psychiatrists can prescribe medications other than SSRIs if they need to.

I’ve known others facing this difficult decision. It may be that you simply can’t provide the low stimulus environment that he needs within a family home. Giving him the opportunity to live somewhere else that meets his needs isn’t rejecting or giving up on him, and you will likely find he will thrive in that environment. Are you in touch with the Challenging Behaviour Foundation? It may help to speak to others who have made this decision.
Be kind to yourself - it’s really difficult.

Yes my child was doing exercise daily before he couldn't anymore, he played football and tennis as well as walking and riding bikes and swimming!

SSRIs are not given out unless they are required.

It's not feckless parents who can't be bothered to walk their children or don't see the benefit of fresh air who are asking for them for their children.

It's desperate parents who've exhausted all other options.

Can't believe those who are suggesting that people with hereditary conditions shouldn't have children. Especially something like asd which varies so greatly from person to person.

With regards to medication, OP please ask your GP in no uncertain terms. I would look into private assessment by a psychiatrist with view to getting a prescription. Sertraline maybe, but there are more powerful things too. I have seen anti-psychotics work miracles on persons with impulse control issues. They are not a bad thing, they are life savers. I really think medication is your best chance.

Have you thought of legal help? I'm not sure but as it's for your son's welfare it may automatically come under legal aid. With LA budgets being what they are you're going to have to fight for everything. Sometimes there's special schools which take Mon-Fri boarders which could be an option, if one is within travelling distance. Any good support group which might help. I've heard that IPSEA is very helpful for education (I know your needs are social care/ education). Don't listen to the comments about further children-it may be having neurotypical children as well which keeps you sane.

Have you looked into a special ed school that he can stay at? They get their own rooms and it's a lot more regulated

The distressed behaviour of a traumatised autistic 8 year old is not abuse. It is violent and challenging behaviour that arises because of a lack of developmental capacity to behave more adaptively at this time. That doesn't make it any better to be on the receiving end, but it is vitally important that DS is thoroughly understood and treated with compassion rather than the repugnant blaming narratives we have seen down thread.

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you don't mean to be offensive.

But I think you should ask for this post to be removed.

It's vile.

Heartbreaking OP. Sending you virtual courage & support.

I spent last 2 days contacting private psychiatrists looking for anyone who could help with medication and further assessments... the nearest appointment is in May, for private.

OP, having had to book a private psychiatrist for a relative I know the battle. I will PM you later today with a tip but have to dash now. Good luck x

The comment about exercise was directed toward someone who was unable to get a psychiatrist appointment.

But yes there is a strong body of opinion that SSI are overperscribed. A deliberately balanced bmj article here https://www.bmj.com/bmj/section-pdf/187887?path=/bmj/346/7907/Head_to_Head.full.pdf

If they have worked for you that's fantastic. But it isn't the only evidence based approach

I home edcuate

its taken years and years for my one to get over the school trauma and if I’m honest I don’t timhink they’ll ever get over it and I certainly won’t get them back in school.

You're still at it?

How is this in anyway helpful to the OP?

The OPs child IS doing exercise. It's not enough for them.

My little one also had pda but the worse that ever happened for us was that they didn’t want to leave the house

we have spent many years and years learning how to change and we had a special theorist who just changed the world for us and I would suggest you do the same.

Please message me. I may be able to suggest someone for you.

And again, for a young child with this level of grief and trauma, where his being removed from the family home is being considered, SSRIs are not the only option.

Could you get to london for a day?

If anyone can recommend any psychiatrists that would be great, just spent the morning so far calling around in our area (Essex and Suffolk) and they are all full on their books

If he not medicated, maybe seek trialling an anti anxiety medication.

Medication isn't easy to get hold off though is it unless prescribed and so far GP and CAMHS have both said they can't help.

I'm trying to get Private help but everywhere is full.

OP I am one if the posters who lived this situation as a child.
I am sorry for the loss of your child, the pain is unimaginable.

I want to comment on the " collaborative approach" you mentioned between your husband and children to address this situation. There is no collaborative approach. When i read this i felt angry remembering my own situation. This is abuse and your children are being abused with your husband and your consent.

I'm very blunt but I think you need to see your children perspective. I feel I need to talk in their behalf.
My mother still justifies her "collaborative approach" "we all tried to help each other".
This really really enrages me.
I am in therapy in my late 40s. I have my own family and cannot forgive my mother for justifying/ allowing/ trying everything possible not having to make a hard decision. That equals having your other children being abused. The long term effects is something you can't even think now. You are so focus on your 8 year old you cannot see the horror your other two kids are being submitted.
I am in the outside a very functional person with my job, my family and friends and even interests.
The reality is I'm broken inside. Very disregulated and high levels of anxiety. I have low self steem, no sense of self, I cannot defend myself. I freeze. This includes a verbal attacks too. My anger is repressed and find hard to decide or even see what my boundaries are with people. I'm a total people pleaser.

I do hate my own mother and this is why I name changed for this thread. She still condones my brother and take about his "good qualities" and etc.
Look at what your 8 year old says. He is exercising to be strong attack other children. He tries to poison kids with glue. Why you don't want to open your eyes? This really really resonates and its even hard to read it here. Stop saying he has a high sense of social justice, its just a joke.

I grew up wishing to be adopted, to be given up. OP if like many other mothers you choose to have your 8 year old at home, please give the other two a second chance and ask grandparents or a family member to raise them. Your 4 year old is already telling you he is in fear in his own home. Stop ignoring this. Act today.

@Crumplesock

Could you get in touch with this Psychologist at Great Ormond Street, OP, to see whether he could offer an appointment this year?

I appreciate that he is a Psychologist and not a Psychiatrist, but he could advise on a referral to Psychiatry if required.

I feel so sorry for you in your predicament, as you seem to be going round in circles. To at least have an appointment with someone who could help might be of some comfort to you.

https://gosh.com.kw/consultants/dr-gary-d-h-burgess