To voluntarily put my child into care

[Crumplesock]

We are at the point now where we think we may need to either put our eldest into the care system or seperate and live in 2 seperate homes to keep our children apart for fear that the eldest will seriously harm the younger two children. However, I'm not sure how we will actually finance two seperate homes (even 2 x 1bedroom flats).

Our son is autistic with a PDA profile. We are low demand parenting, and he does not attend school after being excluded and we are following his lead in Home Education. We followed the At Peace Parenting Course (which is amazing and so insightful, if not a little crazy on price!) but she told us we need to radically accept that this is our son's disability, this is part of it and we need to accommodate it. She shared how her family had to live sperately for a while. We are being advised by all the professionals that we are doing all we can for our son's needs and are accommodating and parenting him in line with his disabilities. But I just feel so broken at it.

As our son is getting bigger, his level of aggression is increasing and becoming harder to manage. We attempt to keep the children separated at all times but this is hard when there is only 1 parent at home and all 3 do need to be watched constantly.

Our other two children, and us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily.

Our son has taken to doing home workouts, which is absolutely brilliant and I want to encourage a healthy lifestyle but his strength is crazy. I've witnessed him do 20+ pull ups, he can now lift 1.5× his bodyweight in a Deadlift. I spoke to him about this passion of his and he said its so he can always make sure he is the strongest and to make people scared of him.

I know deep down there's a scared boy in there, whose doing this as a reaction to school trauma and being pushed around by school bullies (he had it quite bad). But it also terrifies me at how he is stronger than me and it won't be long before he levels with my husband.

I have spoke to Social Sevices today who has said they'll get a support package and stated that this is Child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse and that they do need to safe guard our other children

@Crumplesock

OP, do you think that he could be referred to Great Ormond Street?

It could be that they might be able to offer you the option of in-patient care while they assess him to work out what would help him most.

You could get in touch with them tomorrow and ask them what the way forward would be.

I feel for you, you are in an awful situation.

https://www.gosh.nhs.uk/wards-and-departments/departments/clinical-specialties/department-child-and-adolescent-mental-health-dcamh/

What a tough time you're having OP and you obviously love your son very much. I'm going to be direct, you need to get the ball moving with SS asap. As you'll know if you've had any dealings, this won't be an over night change and is likely to be a long and drawn out process so in your shoes I'd start the process. Start researching the local options and decide on what's best option for your son and assert your wants with SS. They will try and push you to the cheapest, easiest option which may not be the best choice for your son so best to go into discussions prepared.

I'd be especially motivated given you have 2 younger children to protect but also to protect your son. If he does seriously hurt them then he is going to have to live with that and that will effect him long term.

My friend had to make a similar choice with her primary aged son. He now attends a 52 week residential school and a few years on the whole family are much happier and settled. Her middle son, who took the brunt of the violence, has really benefited from therapy which might be something you might want to look into especially for your 4 year old.

I haven't read all posts but pls don't feel guilty. Is he medicated?

Can you put a lock on some of your doors at home so you can provide a safe place for your younger ones when needed so you don’t need to walk around a shop at night?

I do not judge you for wanting to keep your family safe and your son. You do whatever you need to do. Please get some support for you as well whatever you decide.

It can work and is essential where the trauma response has made the child adopt fight or flight to every demand.

We were told by many people it wouldn't work and we would limit our child's life to remove demands. But that was the only thing that helped him at the time (he was 10). We removed all demands until he was able to express he wanted to engage again. This meant no formal education for more than 2 years, just access if HE wanted them.

Roll on 8 years he recovered and re-engaged in full time formal education at 18 after doing 6 GCSEs at home.

Decided to go to college for A Levels and excelled in those (has just found out he has won 2 awards at prize giving - one for the most improvement in attainment), got 3 As at A Levels and now is living away from home for first year at UCL a top university.

So it can work.

I'm not saying it works for every child but it was OUR only option at the time, he was trying to kill himself in the end at the prospect of even coming downstairs to eat.

I am an autistic adult and a powerlifter and it is 100% a way to regulate. It's tactile and proprioceptive input and it is something that I can control.

Have you done a sensory diet workshop? You can get a referral to an NHS paediatric OT who can help or you can pay for a private one such as through the Sensory Class and they're very useful tools for understanding regulation when it comes to sensory needs.

When we are overwhelmed by senses it can lower our resilience to demands including internal demands like masking discomfort around others.

I can't really comment on the care front. Its such a personal choice, but I would definitely do whatever you can with a goal of reunification at some point and regular contact where possible. As someone else has said at 8 he will still be developmentally much younger especially for his emotional development and so as long as social services are putting support in place for this development I don't think the future is a bleak black and white view of you'll never see him again and he'll feel unloved. It will probably be a hard transition but he will be very supported. I've no personal experience of this though so I'm really sorry.

Have you tried respite?

I think the problem with care is that a care placement is likely to be less sensitive to his needs. There may not be a specialist or highly experienced carer for your son. If he ends up in a residential home then he will be with traumatised children who will not accommodate his pda.

I sympathise as my ds is v severely autistic and there definitely came a time when we could not continue with him at home full time. We went for weekly boarding at a specialist school and this gave the family some breathing space. Would he have preferred being at home? Probably yes but we couldn't have carried on. I would look at all avenues but you need to be realistic. I used to think that there must be someone out there better than us to care for him but quickly discovered that we had been doing an amazing job. You can't always meet all their needs. You do what you can, you give up a lot but there has to be a line.

The criteria for mental health referral is very high. The criteria for referral to GOSH is eve higher, from memory you often need to be being treated by another department as well so have complex co morbidities. Great Ormond street aren't necessarily the one you want either, I think from memory it's the maudsley for ASD cross mental health. You have to show it's beyd the expertise of local camhs first.

The OP actually needs an Ed psych report (which the lea should have done for the assessment of a child out of education8 and to see to an independent social worker. And a solicitor. Because it sounds like the EHCP is very very wrong

A therapeutic educational residential environment is the way forward rather then crappy American ABA approach

You have no idea what you’re talking about. Social Services simply won’t do that. They will risk assess and put a care package in place but they won’t take them into care.

As someone who had this recommended to me, please bear in mind that locks can also trap you in and also mean the quickest way to you is through the door. They do not necessarily de_escalate a situation

OP I am so so sorry to hear your son died.

This really stands out from your last post. "CAMHS have refused to support as he is too complex"

This is absolutely shocking. No one should be advising you to put your child into residential care without fully exploring medication and therapy. It should be a last resort. If CAMHS can't provide any support then they should refer you on to a level 4 specialist service. I don't know where you are in the country, this is the one in London Service Detail - South London and Maudsley but I know there are others.

Is there anyone at all who can help to strategise and advocate with you? A good friend, a sibling? I would really advise that you kick up merry hell with CAMHS, going to the highest level until they refer you on. Get your MP involved too. This is so far from acceptable.

Your son needs expert psychiatric/psychological support. You all need more support as a family.

Obviously I don't know, but I wouldn't assume that there is anything going on beyond extreme autistic trauma/ burnout. Please don't think that there is another mental health condition at play here unless a qualified mental health professional says so after a proper assessment.

Also finally, just to suggest again that you ask mumsnet to move this thread to SEN to avoid people tapping up with what ever bollocks comes to mind.

The OP actually needs an Ed psych report (which the lea should have done for the assessment of a child out of education8 and to see to an independent social worker. And a solicitor. Because it sounds like the EHCP is very very wrong

Just bumping this from @Icedlatteplease . Amongst all the AIBu hysteria this advice is spot on. Primarily the solicitor seeing as CAMHs have been worse than useless.

I found the IPSEA helpline extremely useful when I was going through similar for sorting the education aspect out.

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/call-in-helpline#:~:text=0300%20222%205899,Wednesdays%2C%209.30am%20%E2%80%93%202.30pm

Yes agree with this too.

Please do take heart from those of us who have had children present like this and go on to do okay. It is entirely possible.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m0023db6/spotlight-i-am-not-okay-spotlight

This is the documentary.

I’m watching the third family, and I’d say they seem more in control as they have a safe cushioned space for when he has a meltdown. They clearly need to be physically strong and use restraint. But they seem more assured and are saying ‘no’.

Also get on to your MP about the CAMHS issue, unless they have referred to another service to deal with this, (not just Social Care) they are, imo, discriminating, they are effectively saying he's too disabled to help.

I think this is unlawful. He is being failed. We had this with our son. They wouldn't deal with anxiety where it derived from autism. I had to REALLY fight and get an MP's letter to unlock it.

It is essential because without a clinical psychologist you can't access meds for under 18s. The GP can't prescribe.

This 100%

They might do if they cannot be kept safe.

It turned my DN's life round. He had 1-1 professional support. He thrived. Still is.

Please update your thinking.

To answer some questions

• he is not medicated (no ones suggested it before)
• we receive higher rate DLA for care and lower rate for mobility
• I am diagnosed AuDHD
• Our 4 year old is epileptic
• husband is Neurotypical

I am saving all links people are suggesting here.

A question in regards to the legal support, what can they do? What do they do? Never considered it before

Not weight training. Play equipment like monkey bars. And if this is self regulating behaviour removing it will potentially make things worse.

They could apply judicially review the local authority if they fail to meet their duty to your DS under s 17 of the Children Act

I hate to say but it isn't necessarily camhs. Autism isn't necessarily a mental health difficulty. It may be. But having been dismissed by camhs your going to need an independent CLINICAL psychologist assessment. In all honest if it wasn't child id be spending thatmoney elsewhere.

The OP needs an Independent Social worker to get an independent assessment of risk. Ed psych because the lea have a responsibility to provide education. last time I tried to get one privately there was a 6month to year waiting list, if social services and theLEA are under legal pressure they will get one quicker. And solicitor to pull it together. If you have the money after that go for the private clinical psychologist, but spend the money fighting thbiggest fires first