A CF at a dinner party?

[SnowPenguin]

My sister told me this story and I think it's top CF-ery. She isn't sure, but then again she's a much nicer person than me. What do you think?

Last night my sister went out to dinner with some ex work friends. This includes a woman, let's call her Sue, who's mid fifties. Sue lives about a 20 minute walk from the restaurant. My sister lives along Sue's route, about half way (so a ten minute walk from the restaurant). Everyone else lives in the other direction.

Sue asked my sister if she wanted to share a taxi there and back and my sister said was planning to walk. Sue said she wouldn't feel safe walking (to me this is ridiculous as you couldn't think of a less scary small town) and that she wouldn't be able to come as her husband couldn't take her and she didn't drive at night and taxis are expensive. In the end, my sister (total sweetheart) said she'd drive and give Sue a lift home. Sue said great, and asked for a lift TO the restaurant too. My sister told me she didn't really mind all this as was still happy to go out even if she couldn't have a glass of wine.

At the restaurant people ordered drinks from the bar and paid themselves (except my sister), then during dinner everyone ordered another drink to the table eg one person got a glass of wine, another person a beer etc. My sister doesn't bother much with soft drinks so had the table tap water.
The final bill had these extra drinks on as well as the food, usual discussion about how to manage the bill and SUE pipes up to say "let's just split it evenly". Which they did.

Is Sue a major CF?
Were all the people there CFs?
Or is it ok, which my sister thinks, because she could have said something at the time and didn't, and maybe next time someone else won't be drinking and she will?
Everyone must have known sister wasn't drinking, but no-one else knew about the arrangement with Sue.

AIBU?
YABU - not very cheeky
YANBU - cheeky, very cheeky

I don't think this is CF territory. Worse behaviour is neurotic bill splitting based on what a person had down to the bloody pence.

Your sister paid for probably 7/8ths of a drink she didn't have? No big deal. Not CF, just the way things fell. As she says herself, it might her her ordering something more expensive or having a drink next time.

If it had been numerous shared bottles of wine between the group then yes, she'd have been taken advantage of. As she could have chosen herself to have had a single drink I don't think it was that much of a cheeky suggestion.

Sue's a chancer angling for a lift - I don't know why your sister went along with that. But that's the only rather cheeky part of things.

The drinks thing (just one drink per person going on the collective bill) is fine. Sis not ordering a drink probably wasn't noticed. Not sure how many people were there but say 5 alcoholic drinks between 6 people, it doesn't add much to the bill split. My answer would be different if there had been multiple cocktails, bottles of wine and double brandies!

The lift thing is very cheeky. Sister should have stuck to her original plan "oh dear, no I'm definitely walking, see if your husband will change his mind so you can come". There are no prizes for giving in to CF sad faces, only the Wet Lettuce Tax (love that!)

Back to drinks, I do think Sue ought to have made some sort of gesture of appreciation like offering to buy sister a drink at the bar when they arrived, even if she declined. I bet she didn't.

I think your sister is a lovely person who isn’t looking for everything to be exactly fair all the time and did a kind thing for Sue who may have all sorts of reasons for not walking alone. None of it makes her a doormat or needing to grow a backbone. She’s just a kind person . We need more like her.

Your sister sounds more of a pushover/people pleaser than a sweetheart, op.
I wouldn’t mind so much about the drink, but driving when she hadn’t planned to just because Sue didn’t want to walk is quite weird.

Sue can drive but chooses not to at night. She ordered drinks but won't pay for a taxi.
Sue is a cheeky fucker and your sister needs to be careful that she doesn't become Sue's taxi driver on a regular basis.

I'm guessing that Sue wasn't really analysing the bill and the whys and wherefores. But she's a totally CF over the lift thing.

I'd have said initially 'but if I give you a lift, I won't be able to have a drink'. And at the end 'I've only had water because of having to give you a lift, so I'll just pay for my food.

In this situation I would have put in the amount of money my meal cost plus a tip and then told the table to split the rest as I hadn’t had any drinks. Sue is CF on the lift saga but your sister is responsible for being put out at bill time.

What does CF mean? I wish people would speak in English or at least , Mumsnet, give the meaning of abbreviations!

I don't think Sue is a major CF & if your sister was OK about it all it's a moot point anyway.

Perhaps your sister could think on in future about people taking advantage though?

If someone went out of their way to pick me up & drop me off I'd offer to pay for their meal.

Brilliant! Definitely stealing this! 🤣

This!

Sue is a CF and should have offered to pay a bit more & take it off sisters share as thanks for driving.

Your sister should never have offered to give Sue a lift if it meant she couldn’t have a couple of glasses of wine if she wanted, that’s on her and she needs to learn to be assertive. I’d have told her to get a taxi, the cost is not your sister's problem. But yes, Sue is a CF.

YABU. I think it's thoughtless certainly but not deliberate.

People like Sue only get away with being a cf because other people allow it.

Absolutely. They are chancers. They try it on. Some people say no, I'm not giving you a lift because I want to have a drink. And other people roll over and say yes, I'll not drink so that I can drive you all the way home when you live 10 mins further out than me.

Bloody hell, a thread about the equitable distribution of pennies, and not even the original poster's pennies, the pennies of someone who is not bothered! Get a hobby maybe?

I'm surprised at the number of people saying that the lift giving and the bill splitting are separate issues. Surely one didn't help the other, right?

If the OP's sister had walked, the OP's sister could have had a drink or more than one drink with her meal.
As Sue refused to walk and didn't want the expense of the taxi by herself, and the OP's sister was obliging, giving Sue a lift to the restaurant, Sue was able to drink more than just tap water (so the extra expense) and then it came to sharing the costs of the meal & food - the OP's sister should have just said "Oh, I only had tap water to drink so I'll only pay for the food that I had this time".
Sue also was able to get a lift home too.

Sue is a CF!
The OP's sister needs to find her voice in situations like the one she experienced recently.

Not really, as Sue couldn't afford a taxi but apparently could afford multiple alcoholic drinks.

I agree op that Sue is giving me CF vibes - focused on her own needs and perspective, thoughtless about others (drinks) and happy to put someone else out or take advantage (lift)

Did she offer petrol money or “pay” for the lifts in any other way?

I’d be prepared to reserve judgement and see if she pays back the kindness later and maybe, outside of this snapshot she’s an all round great person.

But, these days (and not when I was early twenties and still sweet) I’d be wary of her. Some people are takers and we need boundaries with them, so we can continue being the nice, generous giving people we are.

The problem is that while we like to believe that we’re logical, rational creatures, humans are anything but. When we do a nice thing for someone our brains like to balance up the universe and decide that the effort we put in is justified by how nice that person is. And we can gaslight ourselves very effectively. But the flip side of that automatic thought process cuts deep - if that person is a CF then I’m a fool. It’s actually perfectly to possible to do a kind deed for a CF without being a fool but you have to wake up and realise you’re not in control of the universe and that’s scary too.

I’d drop this topic with your sister because this lesson is always a painful one.

I agree with this.

I am not a fan of bill splitting generally, but I couldn't get worked up about one round of drinks unless I was broke - at which point I would have said "I didn't have a drink, so I'll just put in for my food".

The lift OTOH, your sister was being daft.
If Sue doesn't drive at night and doesn't have anyone to either take or fetch her and refuses to walk, then she has to either pay up for a taxi (which can't be that expensive for a 20minute walk - that's only going to be a mile) or she doesn't go. It is not your sister's responsibility to go out of her way to fetch her, and then same on the way back and then not be able to drink.

So Sue is very much a CF, but has been enabled by your sister.

a) OP did say sister doesn't really go for soft drinks. Why would she want the extra expense and calories for something she doesn't even like?
b) She didn't know they would be splitting the bill in advance

I don't think the others are particularly cheeky (although I do hate splitting the bill, it's 2024, everyone has a calculator on their phone, just pay for what you've had), I doubt your sister was the only one not drinking, as there was only 1 extra drink added to the bill it's not a huge amount, so if your sister didn't mind paying it, she could be right, it would likely sort itself out next time if they do the same. If she didn't want to she should have said 'I'd rather just pay for myself,' they can hardly make her split it.

However Sue is a cheeky fucker, at the very least she should have offered to buy your sister a drink or give her petrol money, not (in effect) make your sister buy her a drink as well as going out of her way in both directions to give her a lift!

We don't know that. We only know Sue suggested splitting the bill and people had ordered 1 drink to the table. Sue might have been on soft drinks all night or only had that one drink

Yep - me too! Otherwise, tough luck - don't go then, Sue, you cheeky cow!