To think I can't do anything about aunt's violent marriage?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

My aunt is about my age, and we've always been close. Her husband is violent and abusive in other ways too (verbally and emotionally) and has been for years. Their DC are now teens.

DA appears to have no intention of ever leaving him. They're not short of money and she had a good career before giving it up, one she could go back to. So I don't think it's finances that make her stay.

I'm right in thinking there's nothing I can do if she doesn't want to leave him, right? Sometimes I've thought about sending the police round and calling social services, but I still don't think she'd leave him.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has dealt with long-term DV in the family, how you handled it, and what the upshot was? They've been married approaching 20 years and I do worry about what will happen to her when the DC have gone to uni.

Maybe her sons could "have a word" with the husband, if you know what I mean. I know a case where that worked, but it was the woman's brothers who intervened.

I should apologise, NoisyDenimShakeer; you did indeed ask this and like a fool I left this bit off

The closest I've come to your situation is supporting a very dear friend who's been mentally abused rather than physically, though in her case it wasn't so much not wanting to leave as not being able to get her head around it.
So on the back of having done it myself years ago I urged her into proper counselling, which she found deeply helpful

I don't pretend it's some sort of magic wand, but is this something she'd consider ? And looking on the bright side it might even help to take some of it off your shoulders if you could say "you could really do with asking (name) about that one"

I'm confused by the voting.... The OP asked "I'm right in thinking there's nothing I can do if she doesn't want to leave him, right?"........ but 83% say she is being unreasonable???

I’d do it for the kids too

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5209295-domestic-abuse-is-a-the-public-emergency-on-a-scale-with-fire-and-traffic-accidents

You might find this illuminating.

Or maybe not 🤷‍♀️.

84% say I'm not being unreasonable in thinking "I can't do anything about my aunt's violent marriage." Quoted part was the question.

Oh, I know all about DV and its prevalence. DA's situation isn't my first rodeo with this issue. I'd rather not say any more. I'm chewing over what you do when the victim won't leave, won't press charges, won't kick him out, and doesn't want to split up.

That's an amazing campaign.

As for your snide little "Or maybe not," you have no idea about my life, so don't snark at me.

Social Services won’t do a thing if DA denies it, or refuses support. Just offer her a listening ear.

Exactly. And her situation will become much worse at home after.

She might go for counselling...I do think she's in denial though.

What did your friend end up doing?

From Barnardo’s “Since the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, children that have been exposed to domestic abuse are now recognised as victims of domestic abuse in their own right, rather than just witnesses.”

Report it to the school if you don’t want to do anything else.

She left him, NoisyDenimShaker, and is much happier now

None of her adult sons, her siblings. or her mother want to do this. If I do it, I'll be cast out of the entire family. (My parents are dead.) Nevertheless, it would be easier to do if I knew about a recent incident. But she stopped telling me stuff a while ago.

That's great. Oh, I so hope my DA ends up doing the same.

OK, so it seems that a lot of posters think I should have shopped him to social services and the police. I've been very tempted at times, but the family ructions - when she is so determined to stay - would have been explosive and irreparable. I still don't think it would have done any good without her cooperation, except to make him worse.

Maybe I should have shopped him when the kids were much younger, but I didn't. I sometimes feel very frustrated about the situation but I don't let her know. I also feel resentful that none of her large family have notified the authorities after I told everyone what was going on.

It's nice to hear that some people have escaped it. I can only hope that one day my DA does the same.

I thank everyone for their input.

It’s not “shopping him to social services”, it’s “getting the appropriate help from professionals for two children and their mother who are living with a violent man who is abusing them”.

@NoisyDenimShaker that's so kind of you. Maybe you could take her and the kids in just for a few weeks while they get a new place? If you offer that to her, it might be the exit she feels she can take. Of course it could be like talking to a brick wall but just try and help her hold steady to get out. I hope she does find the strength, with your help. If not you've done your very best.

You're overthinking this to be honest. The problem is that you're running through potential scenarios in your head and making a decision based on them, but you don't know what will happen. Services DO help people. There are failings and they make the news, but very often the opposite happens and help is given successfully.

You mustn't make a decision about reporting this based on what might happen. You don't know what will happen. You're imagining it making the situation worse and therefore not acting, but the truth is you have no idea what will happen - and that is scary, but remember, it's not your fault she is being abused, and the outcome of what may happen with professional input won't be your fault either.

But you must report for the sake of the children. They will be desperately hoping someone will do something.

I have no recent knowledge of anything happening, though. She clammed up on that score about two years ago. I saw her and her husband at a family event recently, so that's why it's on my mind again. Can I really call SS or the police and say that XYZ thing happened X years ago? (There were numerous things over a period of time.)

I just cannot, cannot believe that she met this absolute shit of a man. I wish to God they'd never laid eyes on each other. It was a dark day when she crossed his path. I absolutely loathe him. He's just vile.

That's exactly what's needed. What did the brothers do?

.

They did to him what he had done to her. He never touched her again.

Absolutely bloody brilliant.