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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I can't do anything about aunt's violent marriage?

99 replies

NoisyDenimShaker · 13/11/2024 22:12

My aunt is about my age, and we've always been close. Her husband is violent and abusive in other ways too (verbally and emotionally) and has been for years. Their DC are now teens.

DA appears to have no intention of ever leaving him. They're not short of money and she had a good career before giving it up, one she could go back to. So I don't think it's finances that make her stay.

I'm right in thinking there's nothing I can do if she doesn't want to leave him, right? Sometimes I've thought about sending the police round and calling social services, but I still don't think she'd leave him.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has dealt with long-term DV in the family, how you handled it, and what the upshot was? They've been married approaching 20 years and I do worry about what will happen to her when the DC have gone to uni.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoisyDenimShaker · 14/11/2024 00:27

HeddaGarbled · 13/11/2024 22:51

I take a different view on this. I think the police are moving away from the attitude that if the victim won’t report or give evidence in court then tough shit. Where there is other evidence, they can investigate. Do you have evidence? Can you get some? Photos of injuries plus dated, detailed notes of what she tells you would be ideal.

Unfortunately I have no hard evidence, only what she's told me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoisyDenimShaker · 14/11/2024 00:29

Thatcastlethere · 13/11/2024 22:15

I'd be calling social services for the sake of the children to be honest. She may be forced to leave him if they get involved and the children are considered at risk.

I just have no faith in SS. I bet DA and her H would just play it down and nothing would change.

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Original poster
NoisyDenimShaker · 14/11/2024 00:30

Noseybookworm · 13/11/2024 22:29

There's nothing you can do except offer support and a safe place to go if she needs to escape. Does she talk to you about the abuse? Have you gently tried to raise it with her and said how much you care for and are concerned for her? It's the most frustrating and helpless feeling but you can't force a decision to leave 😢

Yes, absolutely. She's in tears on the phone telling me about the latest horror and the next day says they've made up and they just need to communicate more!!!

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Original poster
NoisyDenimShaker · 14/11/2024 00:32

Flipzandchipz · 13/11/2024 22:20

It is very hard OP. Even when social services/police are involved and aware women still stay with their partners/husbands. A lot of people will try and advise you. I would recommend you talking to women’s aid. If you called the police or social services it could make a situation more dangerous. Organisations that support women experiencing domestic abuse can help to keep women safe where they don’t feel ready to leave. If you still feel you need to call either the police or social services for the kids sake, then at least if you have spoken to women’s aid or a similar organisation first, you know the pitfalls and can be a support to your DA if things are set in motion

Thanks, this is good advice.

It seems that nothing will make her leave him.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoisyDenimShaker · 14/11/2024 00:33

Chipsandcheeseandgravy · 13/11/2024 22:23

Your aunt has the right to make her own decisions.

My concern would be about the children who are the real victims here, your aunt can escape but the children can't. I'd be worrying about the impact on them as research shows they're more likely to suffer with addictions, and have poor outcomes in life in general due to being raised in a domestic abusive household.

Check out: https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/support-for-parents-and-carers/child-abuse-and-harm/children-affected-domestic-abuse-violence

I'd honestly have reported it to Children's Services as soon as I'd first realised aunt was not willing to protect the children.

I completely agree with the effects on the children. But I have no proof. And as far as I know, she hasn't had any injuries treated in hospital.

OP posts:
Christmaspanicisreal · 14/11/2024 00:34

What is her support network like?

Original poster
NoisyDenimShaker · 14/11/2024 00:36

Justcallmebebes · 13/11/2024 22:23

Yes, absolutely. I have a close family member, married 40 odd years to an absolute vile bastard. Kids now grown and long left. She has had so many opportunities and avenues to leave over the years, but never has. I don't understand it, none of her family understand it but she won't leave. There's absolutely nothing you can do

This sounds very similar to my DA's situation. Also had lots of opportunities to leave and lots of help waiting in the wings.

I truly don't believe DA will ever leave, and I've felt overwhelmed with sadness at the waste of her life.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoisyDenimShaker · 14/11/2024 00:37

Christmaspanicisreal · 14/11/2024 00:34

What is her support network like?

It's pretty good! Mum still alive and healthy, and living in the family home where she and her kids could potentially go, two strapping adult sons from a relationship when she was young who have previously tried everything to get her to leave.🤷‍♀️

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Original poster
NoisyDenimShaker · 14/11/2024 00:42

Has anyone seen someone leave a violent relationship after a long time and repaired their life? I want to believe it happens.

OP posts:
Christmaspanicisreal · 14/11/2024 00:44

Yes! Very close friend of mine after 20 years of abuse. She did it with huge support and encouragement from her friends and family.

Original poster
NoisyDenimShaker · 14/11/2024 00:45

Christmaspanicisreal · 14/11/2024 00:44

Yes! Very close friend of mine after 20 years of abuse. She did it with huge support and encouragement from her friends and family.

Oh wow! That's hugely encouraging. How are things for her now?

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Christmaspanicisreal · 14/11/2024 00:49

So much better, OP. Honestly. One day at a time, but every single day is better than the one before. The children are utterly transformed.

dizzydizzydizzy · 14/11/2024 00:53

What makes you think she doesn't want to leave? I was in an abusive relationships I wanted to leave but felt I couldn't.

I would contact women's aid for advice.

AgileGreenSeal · 14/11/2024 00:55

Contact Women’s Aid for advice @NoisyDenimShaker
there are children involved who need to be protected.

withgraceinmyheart · 14/11/2024 00:59

NoisyDenimShaker · 14/11/2024 00:42

Has anyone seen someone leave a violent relationship after a long time and repaired their life? I want to believe it happens.

Me 👋 15 years so not as long as your aunt, but long enough that my mind and soul had been completely crushed.

Original poster
NoisyDenimShaker · 14/11/2024 01:04

dizzydizzydizzy · 14/11/2024 00:53

What makes you think she doesn't want to leave? I was in an abusive relationships I wanted to leave but felt I couldn't.

I would contact women's aid for advice.

Because she's had lots of opportunities to - family members who offered to pay her legal fees - her mum would welcome her back home, she could get her well-paid job back, and because after an incident where I urged her to leave him - she was in tears on the phone when telling me about the incident - the very next day she says oh, we just need to communicate better!!! From all this I deduce she doesn't want to leave.

Although I can imagine that she's scared of what he might do if she leaves...but again, she has a childhood home to to go and huge adult sons to protect her...I really don't get it. Her husband is gross, as well. Has absolutely nothing going for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoisyDenimShaker · 14/11/2024 01:05

withgraceinmyheart · 14/11/2024 00:59

Me 👋 15 years so not as long as your aunt, but long enough that my mind and soul had been completely crushed.

Show quote history

I'm so glad that you left, but so sorry that you had to go through that.

May I ask what gave you the final impetus to leave?

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 14/11/2024 01:26

Her children suffering emotional harm? Does she realize this harms them regardless of nothing being directed at them?

dizzydizzydizzy · 14/11/2024 01:26

Well I see what you mean @NoisyDenimShaker but it really can be hard to leave an abuser. Some of the barriers to leaving are explained here:

www.womenagainstabuse.org/education-resources/learn-about-abuse/why-its-so-difficult-to-leave

Original poster
NoisyDenimShaker · 14/11/2024 01:34

OhcantthInkofaname · 14/11/2024 01:26

Her children suffering emotional harm? Does she realize this harms them regardless of nothing being directed at them?

Oh, I agree entirely. I don't know what she thinks about how her children are affected. I've been careful not to guilt her about them, because I have tried to get her to leave before and it didn't go down well. I suspect she knows that she hasn't made the best decisions for her children and I don't want to pile on.

OP posts:
IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 14/11/2024 02:03

So there's two children growing up in an emotionally and physically abusive household but you don't want to tell anyone.

Okay.

How are you going to explain your inaction to them in the future?

mm81736 · 14/11/2024 02:30

Well of course they will deny, but the children will be spoken to too.Ir us,all on record and will be part of rhe big picture

Frozensun · 14/11/2024 02:36

As someone who has been there with a relative, I’d suggest you look up trauma dumping. In my situation, it appeared that offloading to me seemed to relieve the person of some of their emotion. Unfortunately, it left me with ongoing worry, fear, and guilt that I couldn’t help. I understand that there are psychological reasons why the person can’t/wont leave the situation. Any discussion suggesting remedies was deflected and/or the person got angry. It got to the point where I clearly said to the person that I was ready at any time to help if they left, but that I could not continue to be the recipient of the information in this way as the emotional impact was too great.

Edingril · 14/11/2024 02:42

If the parents won't help the children then hopefully someone will call the overrun social services again

nearlyfreefromnappies · 14/11/2024 06:51

Legally the children are domestic abuse victims. Regardless of whether they have ever been hurt. The best time to report to SS was when you first knew. The next best time is today. Personally I would let their school safeguarding lead know as well.

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