To think I can't do anything about aunt's violent marriage?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

My aunt is about my age, and we've always been close. Her husband is violent and abusive in other ways too (verbally and emotionally) and has been for years. Their DC are now teens.

DA appears to have no intention of ever leaving him. They're not short of money and she had a good career before giving it up, one she could go back to. So I don't think it's finances that make her stay.

I'm right in thinking there's nothing I can do if she doesn't want to leave him, right? Sometimes I've thought about sending the police round and calling social services, but I still don't think she'd leave him.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has dealt with long-term DV in the family, how you handled it, and what the upshot was? They've been married approaching 20 years and I do worry about what will happen to her when the DC have gone to uni.

I'd be calling social services for the sake of the children to be honest. She may be forced to leave him if they get involved and the children are considered at risk.

I would intervene, for the kids sakes more than anyone. They are growing up thinking this is normal and are probably regularly scared shitless for themselves and their mum, they deserve much more.

It is very hard OP. Even when social services/police are involved and aware women still stay with their partners/husbands. A lot of people will try and advise you. I would recommend you talking to women’s aid. If you called the police or social services it could make a situation more dangerous. Organisations that support women experiencing domestic abuse can help to keep women safe where they don’t feel ready to leave. If you still feel you need to call either the police or social services for the kids sake, then at least if you have spoken to women’s aid or a similar organisation first, you know the pitfalls and can be a support to your DA if things are set in motion

If the kids are still there you do need to report the violence yes. Other than that I'd just try and remain a good friend to her if you can, so she can come to you if she decides to leave.

Your aunt has the right to make her own decisions.

My concern would be about the children who are the real victims here, your aunt can escape but the children can't. I'd be worrying about the impact on them as research shows they're more likely to suffer with addictions, and have poor outcomes in life in general due to being raised in a domestic abusive household.

Check out: https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/support-for-parents-and-carers/child-abuse-and-harm/children-affected-domestic-abuse-violence

I'd honestly have reported it to Children's Services as soon as I'd first realised aunt was not willing to protect the children.

Yes, absolutely. I have a close family member, married 40 odd years to an absolute vile bastard. Kids now grown and long left. She has had so many opportunities and avenues to leave over the years, but never has. I don't understand it, none of her family understand it but she won't leave. There's absolutely nothing you can do

I really wouldn’t call the police or social services on her behalf

It's on the kids behalf really

There's nothing you can do except offer support and a safe place to go if she needs to escape. Does she talk to you about the abuse? Have you gently tried to raise it with her and said how much you care for and are concerned for her? It's the most frustrating and helpless feeling but you can't force a decision to leave 😢

If she's unwilling to acknowledge or engage with SS, police etc then it's true there's not much you can do. But be supportive. You just need to be there for her, don't abandon her. If she distances herself assume it's because of him. Try to make sure she's got plenty of other people in her life. It's very isolating suffering from DV. You're terrified constantly. If her kids are in danger could you take them in for a bit? I know it's probably too big of an ask. If she knows about women's aid, can you help her get her finances in order? She may not want to know but it could be you might need to lend her some money temporarily if she's needs to make an escape.

On the Sara Sharif thread people are asking (quite rightly) why did no one do anything?

if you suspect DV in the home and there are children, please please please report it. Doesn’t matter that they are teens, they are living in a violent home.

If one of Sara’s neighbours had reported it, that beautiful little girl could have been saved. It really is that simple.

Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility. You can't rescue your aunt but you can help those children and, tbh, should have done so years ago. Growing up seeing your parent being abused is extremely damaging to kids. So yes, report it.

Report, because there are children in the house. It's not really about whether she will leave him or not, even though of course that would be the ideal outcome.

I take a different view on this. I think the police are moving away from the attitude that if the victim won’t report or give evidence in court then tough shit. Where there is other evidence, they can investigate. Do you have evidence? Can you get some? Photos of injuries plus dated, detailed notes of what she tells you would be ideal.

What will Child Services do? At best I suspect they’ll fire a warning shot across the husband’s bows, not that that will change much.

If the DC are hitting 16, SS won’t want upheavals - let’s hope they put support in place.

That has to be her choice, it may happen , it may never happen.

my aunt was married to an abusive man, physical and emotionally abusive.

he was vile, my cousin phoned the police many times on him, but my aunt always dropped charges and took him back, they were married for 29 years until he died.

she then couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t go to his funeral!

There's nothing you can do if she doesn't want to leave as that's entirely her choice. IMO people who keep their children in abusive households are abusive themselves.

I would report the abuse to the children's school and social services.

I would look after the children in a heartbeat. Nothing would be too much trouble to solve this problem.

I didn't because I have no proof, only what she's told me, and since she's so determined to stay, I thought they would just deny it all and it would ultimately make things worse for her. Imagine what he might do. I did inform her two hugely big and strong adult sons from a previous relationship, and they haven't been able to get her to leave either.

I was also afraid that CS wouldn't do much. I mean they don't, do they? Look at what happened to Baby P.

To be clear, the violence isn't against the children, as far as I know. They have witnessed some things, yes, which is its own kind of abuse, but his abuse seems to be all focused on my aunt. I don't think it's the same as the Sara Sherif case.

Absolutely disagree with any line of ‘there’s nothing you can do’.
There is plenty you can do.
OP what conversations have you had with your DA about this? How often is it discussed?

Various over the years, but she's clammed up a lot in recent years.

If I called the police and social services, surely DA and that thing she's married to would just deny the whole thing, and then when the door is closed, she'd be for it? I have no proof except my word.

Oh, I agree. I think it's terrible she didn't get her children out of there.

Jesus. That is so terrible. How's she doing now?