Is OnlyFans a harmless outlet or am I right to be mad?

[Diamona63]

I discovered by seeing credit card statements that my partner of 8 years has been paying on and off for OnlyFans for the last couple of years. I didn't realise what it was at first because it was 'OF' on the statements.

I feel sick! It's not a huge amount but it feels seedy. I challenged him on this but calmly and he became very defensive, saying 'all men do this' and 'if you want a monk go find one's.

It's not a decent thing to do in a trusting relationship is it?

No it's not the thing to do in a relationship.
You are right in feeling this way.

I can honestly say my DH has never paid for porn while we've been together so no, it's not something all men do.

I'd feel the same as you, it's grim.

No, you are not being unreasonable. OnlyFans is a lot more personal than porn and most people would regard it as cheating with a sex worker. OnlyFans involves following/subscribing to specific content creators, and the appeal of it over standard porn is that it allows interaction with the performers through a private messaging system (where custom content is often requested and purchased.) Many content creators also offer in person meet ups.

Personally, I would class it as cheating and would treat it as such in my relationship. Your partner's defence of "all men do it" is an insult to the many men who do not do this - he's trying to flip it on you and make you out to be unreasonable, when he knows fine well that he's in the wrong and that it isn't acceptable.

As always this is about personal boundaries and what you feel comfortable with. Some women are fine with their partners getting a lap dance and for others this is a deal breaker.

He's paying for erotic/pornographic content, god knows why as the internet is bursting at the seams but there you go. Maybe he's following particular celebrities.

He is showing you a lot of disrespect by dismissing your feelings and there's a whole scale of behaviour from being a monk to paying for porn.

No all men don't do this.
He is paying other women to get sexual gratification. If you and he are supposed to be in a monogamous relationship then this is cheating.
And from his reaction he doesn't see a problem with it.
The relationship would be over for me. He has shown he had no respect for you.

In my relationship that would count as cheating.

DP and I have talked a fair amount about OF because of my interest in feminism, and he finds it sad that so many young girls feel that having a "side hustle" as a prostitute/porn worker is so normalized these days.

He finds girls begging for money by showing you their private parts and doing stuff with them really off putting! He's not a prude, don't get me wrong, he just doesn't like prostitutes.

He says he only subscribed to three women and paid $5 a time (there was a conversion fee) so he says he wasn't interacting with them. Does anyone know if that's true?
Anyway, it's completely turned me off him and cancelled out any good points.

But so much porn is free, paying for it just seems a bit chump-y….

Yeah, there’s a bit of a gap between ‘monk’ and ‘man who pays for any kind of sexual services’. The bloke you want is in the middle. The other options are celibate / disrespectful twat.

This would give me the ick.

For me the issue would be how he has responded - very defensive and making you the problem, and the secrecy. I would explain to him (as you have) that him using OF makes you deeply uncomfortable, and ask him why he has reacted as he has. It sounds a bit like his reaction comes from a place of shame or embarrassment? Could this be true? I’m sure many people would see subscribing to OF as “lame”, and it’s possible he does too (deep down) but his use of the website is a way to express something he’s unable to with you or even himself. Using OF is not “normal”.

Does it matter how many women it was?
He was paying women for a sexual service.
He was cheating on you.

Personally I feel that only fans is more ethical than other porn, IF you're single and subscribing to it, as the women are in charge of thier own content and money. It's more personal though being able to follow, subscribe and message the women which would make it very hurtful in a relationship for me and much closer to cheating.

You say you've seen it on bank statements, is this a joint bank account? I'd be furious if so.

This would be something id find really difficult to move past.

Hope you can resolve it but unfortunately that is seedy and money/attention badly spent!

To me it's no worse than porn so it depends what your boundaries on that are.
It might have a more personal feel than, say, Pornhub but it isn't actually more personal - not unless he's paying out a lot of money. It is likely pay-per-view type shows that will have a lot of subscribers. It's no more personal than having a preference for a particular porn star.

OnlyFans is a lot more personal than porn and most people would regard it as cheating with a sex worker.
Sorry but I find this view a bit ridiculous. By all means set paying for porn as your personal red line but to suggest it is akin to using a sex worker - it really isn't.
I'd actually prefer someone to use Onlyfans than Pornhub (for example) as there's a better chance the woman has control over her own work and is recieving the money directly.

Not ok with me.

It seems to me that a truism of life is that men are much more sexual than women. Yes, I know this is a generalisation, but usually men want sex more than women, want more variety, think about it more, and it's often just so much more important to them than it is to us. In terms of reproduction, it makes sense. Where would humanity be without men's insane drive to have sex?

Always struck me as Nature's little joke, though. Sexual attraction throws people together and then it turns out that they frequently have this basic incompatibility that often drives them apart. The whole set-up makes me 🤬

This difference between men and women is what makes me VERY wary to get married again. I had NO idea how sex-driven men are until I married one.

It seems to me that we would be happier accepting that many men need more sexual stimulation than us. I'd be so hurt too, btw. I'm not judging. We all want to be forever the one and only desired. But maybe that's not reality? I don't know what the answer is. (For me, it's not to marry again, but I know that doesn't do you much good right now.)

The only good thing about it is that at least he's not having an affair with a real person involving feelings and sex etc.

All men don't do this.

Most men don't pay for porn, even single, it's free.

Paying to follow an individual or individual is seedy and not the commonly done thing.

All the research points towards exploitation, rape and trafficking linked to OF. I mean I'm not surprised but I wouldn't automatically assume that you can tell ethical from not.

I'm in the same situation only 6 months pregnant. I'm 2 months down the line from when I found out and we have pretty much seperated. No matter how I look at it there is something personal that he wanted by paying and I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him again.