Is OnlyFans a harmless outlet or am I right to be mad?

[Diamona63]

I discovered by seeing credit card statements that my partner of 8 years has been paying on and off for OnlyFans for the last couple of years. I didn't realise what it was at first because it was 'OF' on the statements.

I feel sick! It's not a huge amount but it feels seedy. I challenged him on this but calmly and he became very defensive, saying 'all men do this' and 'if you want a monk go find one's.

It's not a decent thing to do in a trusting relationship is it?

You are so strong sugargliderwombat x

Yuck!! How would he feel if you said to him - 'I've asked all my friends and co-workers and they all agree you're gross using OF plus none of them do it' - would that make him feel ashamed? if he thinks all men do it then why has it been a secret for 8 years? I'd be alarmed he's into some kinky shit tbh 🤷‍♀️

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-57255983

Absolutely disgusting whether it's broke mums or their children selling their bodies and integrities.

I'd really recommend that everyone reads Dr omar minwhallas secret sexual basement and integrity abuse.
Here's a link for a quick overview but you can also download his whole paper on it.
www.btr.org/secret-sexual-basement/

Whilst clearly common unfortunately, it is absolutely not something anyone needs to just accept in a relationship. I personally will not be in a relationship with anyone who uses pornography or any unhealthy sexual content.

Really sorry you're going through this op. Check out love after porn on reddit for support and resources.

It's not a decent thing to do in a trusting relationship is it?

I don't think so. Your partner has actively sought sexual arousal from women other than you. Whether he pays for it is not really the point.

@Brazenhussy0 Can you see any content without a subscription?

I find porn disgusting and exploitative regardless if it someone is paying or not but I've seen many people on here who think all men use porn and that men who say they don't are lying, argue that they pay to watch women because it reduces the chances of "accidentally" masturbating to a woman who doesn't want to be in the industry and is coerced, trafficked, funding addiction or in poverty and they think by paying it means it's more ethical.

I've had discussions with people in real life who see it as harmless fun but a lot of the time the same men say they'd "not allow" or disown their daughter, wife, sister or mother if they chose to enter sex work. They argue it's just a job like any other until a woman in their family is the one being fucked or charging strangers to see their genitals.

Exactly

It's not a decent thing to do in a trusting relationship is it?

As with everything - this is a boundary you're entitled to have. For some couples it might be fine, for others it might not.

I have no objection to my partner looking at porn in general. I don't know if he still does (he definitely did when we first met, many years ago now) but I would consider it none of my business. I sometimes look at porn and I don't consider that any of his business either.

But... I would, however, think it was different if he was spending money every month to subscribe to a specific model's OnlyFans where you can interact and send messages etc. To me personally, that's different from just watching a video of random people having sex. That's where the boundary would be for me.

FWIW, I certainly believe that the vast majority of men, whether they're in relationships or not, look at some form of porn (or at the very least, pictures of beautiful women) at some point. But he's talking bollocks if he's trying to tell you that all men pay for OnlyFans content - of course they don't.

@MankHarvin They have "madonna/whore complex", certain women are objects they can wank into and degrade but no they wouldn't want the same done to their family.

His money - his choice. It’s pretty seedy but it isn’t cheating or breaking the law.
Shared money - absolutely not ok, you didn’t agree to it in advance and it’s been a hidden spend you weren’t aware of and from the sound of things don’t agree with.

It is cheating to many, read the posts..

From reading another post earlier this week $5 won't get him much at all as that is for the subscription only

I'm actually slightly torn on this. My initial reaction was 'Ugh, that's vile, what a dickhead' but then when you think about it, the average porn site is full of women being exploited, often underage or abused women - at least OF you know it's women who are CHOOSING to be sex workers.

Having said that, I think there's a big difference between getting your rocks off to a pre recorded video and actively paying money to see specific content from a specific woman. Often there is much more to OF and the women will regularly.interact with their subscribers. That to me, doesn't sit right.

Ultimately, if it's crossed a boundary for you (and it's a boundary you have previously spoke about!) then he is absolutely in the wrong. If this is not something you have discussed before and where you stand on it, then I would make sure you sit down and have a clear discussion about what your boundaries are for this going forward.

Sorry but why is that relevant?
He is supposed to be in a monogamous relationship.

You've stated his use of OF has put you off him. Why would you stay if that's how you feel?
Whatever excuse or reason he gives, if you are not happy with this situation then that's the end of the relationship as far as I can see. Everyone has their red line. If this is yours, then he has crossed it. Do not be brow-beaten into thinking you have the problem.

Not all men do this , my husband doesn't as he has plenty of hobbies and rest of his time he's at work or with me .

The op asked if it was correct when her partner had said about only paying for the initial subscription for the $5

I think whether it is acceptable to view porn, to pay for porn, or to engage in interactive porn (sexting, purchasing custom content) is one of the things that should be discussed early on in a relationship. Boundaries need to be set and respected. How do you feel about it?

Most men do watch porn, but I think it is seedy to purchase it without consulting your long term partner and to be so defensive when asked about it. It seems like he himself felt like he was doing it behind your back, and prepared an excuse for if he got "caught."

Not unreasonable at all.

Whilst the lack of communication is a huge concern, I will say that yes what he is saying is true - while OF subscribers can message the creators, that's not necessarily what happens. It may seem a more 'personal' type of pornography but the reality is that the successful creators have hundreds of thousands of subscribers. For a lot of people, OF is an easy way of accessing the specific kind if content they enjoy. It's not necessarily any different to subscribing to one of the bigger professional pornography providers ( I'm not a subscriber or a content creator, but my job means that this is something I am familiar with)

The main issue is the lack of communication and his unwillingness to discuss this further. It could be embarrassment or it could be something deeper. For some couples, pornography is something that they enjoy together or are open about enjoying separately. The fact that he chose to do this secretly and shut down any discussion around it when found out is a bigger red flag to me than the pornography.

You quoted what I'd posted so I assumed your comment was about what I'd said. I didn't realise your comment was aimed at OP's question.

To me it's a bit different to watching porn. I think that some of the men actually do fall in 'lust' with the girls on there. Of course I guess it's the new version of 'sex chatlines' but with that you kind of knew the women on the other end were just housewives doing the ironing or something.
This is pretty much people watching eachother masturbate and dirty chat together. Some of them might also meet with clients? Or even if not it would make the guy more likely to want to act it out with a prossie that resembles them.
So yeah, it's grim.

Watching the Barcelona MotoGP at the weekend and did a bit of a double take when I saw that OnlyFans is a US team sponsor…who knew 🤔

I love how he views not being a seedy, disgusting little pervert as a "monk". I've discussed this topic with male friends before and most of them view it as cheating and don't do it. And if they do they do it with the consent of their partner.

Can't say I'd be thrilled but neither would it be a dealbreaker.