Is OnlyFans a harmless outlet or am I right to be mad?

[Diamona63]

I discovered by seeing credit card statements that my partner of 8 years has been paying on and off for OnlyFans for the last couple of years. I didn't realise what it was at first because it was 'OF' on the statements.

I feel sick! It's not a huge amount but it feels seedy. I challenged him on this but calmly and he became very defensive, saying 'all men do this' and 'if you want a monk go find one's.

It's not a decent thing to do in a trusting relationship is it?

I wouldn’t forgive my partner if he did this behind my back. I’d be annoyed at the fact he was paying to subscribe to another woman for a start…

It's not about the women being in control, it's about her partner taking a liking to these specific women so he can wank to their bodies. Bet they're all young too.
It's full stop sleazy and yes it's prostitution. I would be so grossed out by him and wouldn't be able to feel attracted to him anymore. Keep your standards OP

But they're really not all like that. There are so many men with lower drives as evidenced in all the threads here.
So it's not inevitable that they have to be like this, and women don't have to accept it.
But yeah you're right it does all feel like a cruel joke

You can still private message the content creators even only paying the subscription fee. The only way to confirm exactly what he did is to ask for access to his account and check his inbox - I would suggest doing this if you are concerned a boundary has been crossed.

Only fans is cheating.

It's one thing if they watch a bit of porn here and there...still gross but whatever. But only fans is interactive, interactive is cheating.

Sorry but I find this view a bit ridiculous. By all means set paying for porn as your personal red line but to suggest it is akin to using a sex worker - it really isn't.

Do you believe digital sex work isn't sex work?
I am a former sex worker - I had an OnlyFans account myself. I know how it works and what men use it for, which is why I would not tolerate it in my own relationships. OnlyFans is a lot more intimate than standard porn because it offers interaction - and that is the appeal to the men who use it and why they are willing to pay for it instead of using free sites. They really aren't giving a hoot about the ethical side of it...
Fair enough if a man is single, but if he has a partner who is expecting a monogamous relationship then he really has no business being on OF (unless his partner is fine with it of course.)

For me I'd consider this as cheating. I do think that OF has become very 'mainstream' now so I can see how boundaries could become blurred and two people in a relationship could have differing feelings on the matter but to be honest his reaction to you challenging him on it is what gets me the most. He's been defensive and completely dismissed your feelings and basically said he'll do what he wants and will continue even though it makes you uncomfortable. Telling you that all men do it is kind of gaslighting behaviour and it's not true.

I do find it seedy and for me a partner paying (even small amounts) of money towards accessing a womans body is unacceptable. I do think it crosses a line when it's more interactive than regular porn as well. Couples have virtual intimacy when long distance- so doing that with another woman when you're in a monogamous relationship is absolutely cheating and disrespecting your spouse.

This is so sad. I hope you have loads of support x

I know not all, but on a general level, it seems to be true.

All men don't do it. He's a fool trying to justify his actions.

This " all men" justification is infuriating.
It's a way of trying to brainwash women into accepting unacceptable behaviour.

"Everyone does it" is the justification used by liars, cheaters, defrauders and slimebuckets of all kinds.

No, everyone does not do it. Decent blokes, monogamous blokes, blokes who respect women don't do it.

Nope, that's grim.

It would be the end for me. I dont go out with men who watch porn and pay for prostitutes.
Even worse he's turning it round and trying to make you feel unreasonable. Yuck, what a prick.

Thanks everyone so much for your responses, it means a lot.
It's his absolute refusal to speak about it and his insistence that I'm a jealous freak who blows up over the smallest thing that has made me realise I have to leave this loser. His minimizing and normalizing of this behavior has made him feel like a stranger. I feel a sadness for the man I thought I knew, who was sweet and kind and loving at the beginning.
But I must be strong and get his sorry arse out of my house and start to recover.

Good on you OP. He's gaslighting you.

Yep the classic line used by everyone doing something they shouldn't be doing.

It’s how you feel. If someone was on about it would that wouldn’t make any difference to how u feel

@NoisyDenimShaker You're right, and it's one of the reasons I love being single. Even though I've been with good men who don't, it does feel like most and I just don't want to deal with it.

I wouldn't even be with a man who used it while single. All the women are tiny and young so it would show impossible preferences

1000000% agree

Yup. And the fact that you have no control over, and can't tell, which men it will be.

'I challenged him on this but calmly and he became very defensive, saying 'all men do this''

No not all men pay to watch a woman finger herself on camera etc.

He is utterly repulsive. Dump him.

While I’m not bothered if my partner watches porn I would be bothered about him paying for it when porn hub is free.