PIL's proudness of DIL being ex teacher - am I just jell ?

[welljells]

Let me start by saying, this is a bit of a humour post and not actually really deep.

HOWEVER- hahah

Parents in law and I have a long, at times difficult history. They've messed up with me, I've messed up with them. Some of it is cultural, some of it is personality clashes. My in laws are super dominant and have a very tight knit family unit with their children, it's been tricky to break away from that and build our own family. On the whole, they're not monsters, but we don't have the best relationship.

BIL has recently got married to a perfectly nice lady who used to be a secondary school teacher, but now works in a corporate job because of the bad treatment and pay of teachers. She taught for 2 years, all secondary.

I have little kids and MIL is always saying how SIL is great with kids, as she is a teacher. She says that she can definitely baby sit my kids if required - as she's a teacher. ( MIL just mentioned this out of the blue, I never asked for baby sitting ).

I've also overheard in laws, when asked what SIL does for a living- telling people she's a teacher, but no longer works in it because of the poor treatment of teachers. All fact. They seem very proud that their DIL is or was a teacher.

Am I going to live the rest of my life with the fact that my in laws praise my SIL for having been a teacher ? Somehow it irrationally annoys me. And I know it's irrational. I'm an accomplished woman with two kids and work my arse off in a corporate role. I never once have heard a nice thing come out of their mouths about me, my career, my parenting - nada. When my kids do something good, they must have picked it up at nursery. I get zero credit for anything.

I started the relationship with my in laws, as a young 20 something woman with a kind heart. They repeatedly showed me I could not trust them. I don't want to drip feed, but they have done and said unkind things about me/ my family.

Anyway, just jell ? Or is it annoying that the being a teacher thing keeps being brought up and praised ?

I think in most cultures being a teacher is respectable !!?

God, I'd be GOLDEN in your PILS eyes 🤣...I've taught for 30 years (still going strong!) and am a Deputy Head 😇🤣😇 My halo shineth brightly ☺️

If it helps you to get over this:

Take pleasure from the knowledge that only the toughest survive, it's brutal! Your SIL failed...she couldn't hack it...she's NOT a teacher...she didn't have what it took to see it through 👍🏻

Or alternatively...and this is what I'd do...buy her a HUGE FUCKING MEDAL for surviving two years in secondary, then realising what a fucking shit show our education system is and getting out!! What your PIL think/say/do are of no consequence or concern! Rise above it...👌🏻

Break the ice with SIL. 'Hey SIL, according to MIL you'd love to babysit my children because you were a teacher 🤣 what do you think?!'

Team up! My mum and her 2 SILs really bonded over my gran being a twat.

This wouldn't bother me at all, but I think @thepariscrimefiles has it right. They want to include her, probably they don't know much about her, but they understand and relate to being a teacher.

MIL is the same, she has no clue what I or my DH does (her DS) because whilst we work for household names, we're in tech. But she understands SIL as she works in a nursery. So she gets lots of praise and mentions. SIL is lovely, and no worries from me or DH, but hopefully the shows what might be going on.

Just don't let it worry you, nod/agree, move on. Re the babysitting, just say "yes, I'll ask her if I need to" but you never need to, so no problem.

Does she do this in SIL hearing or only when she isn't around? Could she be similarly singing your praises when you aren't there to hear it?

I'm really trying to break the ice with her but she's so icy.

I really do try. I don't know how to get her to warm up. I'm usually really good at connecting with people and making friends, but SIL is a bit of an ice cube.

you said she was “perfectly nice” in your Op

@gummania but she is. There's nothing wrong with someone, just because they don't want to be best mates with you.

She was talking to my (very young) son one day.......She said to him something like 'ow I wonder what you'll do when you grow up one day ! .....Maybe you'll make become an XX like your mummy didn't manage to become '.

On a serious note, don't allow anyone to undermine you or criticise you to your children. That's completely unacceptable.

I was so shocked by this and upset. I told my husband and he was also really upset.

We didn't make a big deal out of it because inevitably I would be called ' too sensitive ' ' it was just a joke ' ' chip on my shoulder ' ' crazy ' ...

If it happens again, I will need to say something. It was unnecessarily cruel and to be honest I was so ashamed in that moment, it's the best emotion to describe it. I did not know what to say.

you said she’s “so icy” and an “ice cube”

not traits usually associated with “perfectly nice” people 🤷

he was also really upset

but he did… nothing? said… nothing?

What has he done all the many times they’ve been horrible to you over the years?

@gummania but she doesn't do anything wrong and is perfectly polite. Some people are just like that. It can be shyness or it can just be that they don't like you. She probably thinks I'm a dick, let's face it.

She's early thirties, no kids, loving life and I'm over here running ragged with two young kids.

She probably thinks my life is really sad and nothing like the life she'll live one day. She's just in a completely different stage.

If I hear the word 'generational' on here one more time to excuse/explain stupidity or nastiness I will scream

We're not all stupid and some of us do know about other jobs/careers and actually speak to our children and their partners to learn what's going on in their lives

And some of us <gasp> actually taught for a living ourselves

Just how old are your parents?

@gummania shall we take this offline ? Haha thanks for being so engaged, it's nice to have someone to talk to.

Over the years, it's been up and down. Initially he didn't always have my corner, but at a certain point he really did. And he really gets it. He gets upset by them / her as well.

He's definitely stood up for me. But sometimes he'll come out with stuff and I can just hear that it's from his mum and then I say 'did your mum say that ? ' and he'll get annoyed that I brought her into it again. So it's a bit of a point of contention. On the whole, he has my back.

But on the whole, we haven't had any big fights recently.

i suppose that i’m always confused by these s threads where a relative is awful to them, for years, and even their family and even their children…. and yet they still make the effort to see them.

I’d lose respect for my husband in your shoes
and i wouldn’t subject myself or my children to this kind of downright nasty treatment

i wouldn’t t want my children witness me being spoken to like this and my dad standing by

We hear about how wonderful D Sis in law is (and is great, but it's funny how they go on) and how much money everyone has; everyone has loads of money.
DH and I laugh a bit about it afterwards. PIL are a product of the 80's and now it just looks strange as they never really left that decade.
I do love them though, but have accepted that we have different aspirations and beliefs.

He's definitely stood up for me. But sometimes he'll come out with stuff and I can just hear that it's from his mum and then I say 'did your mum say that ?

WTF… your husband also denigrates you or bigs up his sil?

@Nanny0gg I was going to say generational in my OP, but I knew I would be picked to shreds.

Look, my in-laws are in their 60s- they've had a completely different life from us. Same with my parents. It's not generational, it's also education- we all have degrees and they don't. My mother and mother in law are great cooks and housewives, but they can't really send an email. It's just the way it is. They don't get what I do and they don't even ask anyway.

They only want to talk about the things they know and are good at ( which incidentally I'm not good at ). They spend most of their time chatting about how great women used to be and how rubbish modern women are. It's boring and annoying. Anyway. It's not just generational and that would be a generalisation, which is why I didn't post it, in the end.

They're trying to show off to their friends/acquaintances.

They sound as bonkers as my late Granny, was so proud of my cousin who did all the teacher training then sat on her arse umemployed became a lady of leisure as she didn't want to work Granny used to tell everyone how proud she was of her special grand child with the teaching degree 🙄

it’s like you’re talking about women born in the 1930s

Not the 1960s!

I was going to say exactly this. They know what a teacher is/does but not clear what she does now. I don't see it as being particularly proud that she was a teacher just that it's a conversation piece they can understand.

My parents are exactly the same. They always tell people I'm an ex detective because they know what that is not that they're particularly proud. I'm now an investigator for a regulatory body but despite having done that for over 8 years they still ask me what I do and admit they can't tell people what I do because they don't really know/remember.

You've done nothing to be ashamed of. Quite the opposite, you're the hard-working mother of her grandchildren and you deserve respect.
Next time she does anything like this, take a deep breath and say something like 'That's enough Barbara. Do not use my child as a go-between for your criticism of me. I've had years of this nonsense from you and I'm calling time on it now'
Honestly, free yourself of caring what your in-laws think, it's so liberating and models solid boundaries for your children ie not putting up with disrespect from anyone.
Good luck x

They are 79 and 82.

I don't know if this explains anything but I remember my mum telling me they were told at her (all girl) school that if they were planning to get a job after leaving (guess this would have been 1960 or so) the options were teacher, nurse or secretary. My mum's sister did become a teacher. My mum became a podiatrist, bit random.

My parents aren't the least bit interested in my career (solicitor) and never mention/ ask anything about it except to disapprove that I sent my children to nursery rather than giving up work.

They aren't stupid intellectually but have very fixed ideas about what is the correct way of doing things.

Anyway sorry to have annoyed you, it wasn't intentional.

You sound really mean! They sound like nice people who are looking for nice things to say about their new DIL.

Gently correct them, or let her and her partner do it.

Could not care less. I’d make friends with my Sil and bond over it. But then I also wouldn’t post a snotty little thread on mumsnet