PIL's proudness of DIL being ex teacher - am I just jell ?

[welljells]

Let me start by saying, this is a bit of a humour post and not actually really deep.

HOWEVER- hahah

Parents in law and I have a long, at times difficult history. They've messed up with me, I've messed up with them. Some of it is cultural, some of it is personality clashes. My in laws are super dominant and have a very tight knit family unit with their children, it's been tricky to break away from that and build our own family. On the whole, they're not monsters, but we don't have the best relationship.

BIL has recently got married to a perfectly nice lady who used to be a secondary school teacher, but now works in a corporate job because of the bad treatment and pay of teachers. She taught for 2 years, all secondary.

I have little kids and MIL is always saying how SIL is great with kids, as she is a teacher. She says that she can definitely baby sit my kids if required - as she's a teacher. ( MIL just mentioned this out of the blue, I never asked for baby sitting ).

I've also overheard in laws, when asked what SIL does for a living- telling people she's a teacher, but no longer works in it because of the poor treatment of teachers. All fact. They seem very proud that their DIL is or was a teacher.

Am I going to live the rest of my life with the fact that my in laws praise my SIL for having been a teacher ? Somehow it irrationally annoys me. And I know it's irrational. I'm an accomplished woman with two kids and work my arse off in a corporate role. I never once have heard a nice thing come out of their mouths about me, my career, my parenting - nada. When my kids do something good, they must have picked it up at nursery. I get zero credit for anything.

I started the relationship with my in laws, as a young 20 something woman with a kind heart. They repeatedly showed me I could not trust them. I don't want to drip feed, but they have done and said unkind things about me/ my family.

Anyway, just jell ? Or is it annoying that the being a teacher thing keeps being brought up and praised ?

I know someone who does this with their late mother. They were a childminder so obviously they and their children, through osmosis, know everything about childrearing,

It gets mentioned so often I have an imaginary jar in my head into which 50p goes everytime this is said. Maybe you could make a real one of these op. A 'teacher' jar.

Maybe their attitude to her is bringing home to you that you could have done things differently.

that actually, they can be nice people, it’s just that they’ve responded like for like with you and the relationship has broken down.

I do really get on with my MIL and care a lot about her but we’ve definitely had our moments- it comes from being closely related and spending a lot of time together. I recently met a number my DH’s female school friends who have known MIL all their lives. To a woman they were raving about her and telling me how lucky I am to have her as my MIL. It reminded me that she is a lovely person and that our clashes come about because of the closeness of our family. It reminded me to remember to be kind when I deal with her.

maybe you are being shown that actually, your dislike of them is not totally justified and it’s uncomfortable

@Autumn38 that's not how my brain works.

In fact the fact that they gush about DIL just confirms that they don't like me and treated me badly and it's not my fault they did so. Like I said, I went into it very young and very kind. They took advantage of that. They've not been kind and have continuously used my vulnerabilities to make themselves feel better.

They don't like me because I stood up for myself a couple of times. That's literally why. They can't control me how they want. Good luck new SIL !

Are there teachers in the wider family too? I'm from a family of teachers and am one myself now but I came to it late having done something else for a few years.

When you are a family of teachers, it's the only thing that matters. Anyone doing anything else is treated with complete disdain and amazement. Being a doctor is just about acceptable but only just.

Invited for dinner in august? Don't be ridiculous, it's the school holidays!

I'm only half joking 😂

There might have been all sorts of reasons why she left. That's really judgemental.

It might be a generational thing. My parents, particularly my mum, seem to have it in their heads that teaching is a perfect profession for "a lady". I think their reasoning is very out of date but it's along the lines of it being a role which shows you are clever, qualified and respected, but doesn't overshadow a big important corporate man job that your husband/future husband might have, means you're "good with children" so naturally a good mother/good mother material and nice short hours and long holidays to fit in with having your own children without "farming them out" to childcare.

Disclaimer - I know teaching is NOTHING like their perception of it these days (and may never have been).

They tried to push both me and my sister towards teaching and still seem disappointed that neither of us did so. I particularly would have been bloody awful at it.

I agree that you don't need to be jel. Your SIL is probably sick of only being praised for something she no longer does!

I agree that they just keep saying what she used to do because they understand it as a job, and don't understand her current job or yours. Imagine how irritating it will become for her, that her PILs describe her totally in terms of a job she did for a total of two years, and no longer does.

My PILs have no idea what I do for a living, despite the fact that I've been with DH since the mid-90s, when we were both training for the career I do now!

the brain space you’re giving the family you have supposedly taken a giant back step from is… baffling!

What is your relationship like with your own family? Are your parents proud of you and show it?

You cannot change how others behave, you can only change your response to it.

Try to stop caring about what your in-laws think of you. Forgive them for their past discretions and move forward with a polite relationship but one that doesn't impact your self-esteem. Easier said than done but stop seeking their blessing/good favour/compliment, it doesn't appear to be forth coming. Once you no longer care, you will be surprised how easy it is to not sweat the small stuff.

What strikes me is that 2 years isn't that long in any job and in teaching it takes a while to find your feet I think so fair play it wasn't for her but that's not a lot of teaching experience is it? Also, any assumption that all teachers must love kids or that female teachers, especially secondary phase ones, are maternal in some way is tosh. My teacher friend always says she couldn't hack primary school teaching because of the ankle biters but can sometimes have a sensible conversation with the teenagers at secondary. There's plenty of childfree teachers!

OP, I work in a corporate role too, the most despised kind - sales.

Every time I hear (often imaginary) put down about being in sales, I take consolation in my latest model of a company car and great compensation package. Not all of us are cut out for meaningful work 😂

re discussing the poor conditions for teachers… Isnt that very much a hot topic that lots of people chat about that engage with the news?

If there is a cultural difference could it be that they hold a university qualification in high regard? I’m sure part of it is the novelty factor if they have just got married. I would rise above it tbh.

You're the scapegoat-DIL and she's the golden DIL. Your only defence is to grey rock.

It's not actually happened yet but I have believed for a long time that it will turn out that way.

Because they don't like me because I stood up for myself.

Sometimes old people are just confused by modern jobs.

"Good for you getting a little job to get out of the house!"
"I'm head of communications for a contemporary art biennial, Pam"
Etc

I get this in my family too. I have cousins who are teachers and it's like they're Nobel Prize winners. Somehow their parents think they're more educated than everyone else. It's ignorance. They probably weren't educated themselves and see education as a status symbol.

why are you spending time with people who don’t like you and have been nasty to you (and your family FGS!)?

what’s your husband’s take on it all?

Ok you’re clearly envious and want them to like you too. And you’ve no idea if they gush about you behind your back as they do her, and I’m fairly sure this woman wouldn’t be pleased at them saying she’s a teacher, she did it for two years, didn’t like it and has a whole other career and that’s what she is.

its not sil fault, but if it makes you uncomfortable distance yourself. Them liking her or finding being a teacher previously admirable, doesn’t reflect on you, it doesn’t change their feelings on you.

Yes, that made me laugh :-).

Op, they may go on about you in the same way but not in front of you.

Don't be jealous for goodness sake, it's not a big issue.

@Littleannoyingperson well yeah of course I wanted them to like me ! But as soon as I put up the first boundary they started hating me.

Do they say this to/in front of SIL or just to other people?

Maybe they say kind things about you to others as well and you just never knew!

Do you have a 1 and 3 year old OP? my friend in very similar situation

It's nice to hear of people who think teaching is a profession to be proud of! Most people seem to do nothing but slag teachers off.