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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you could say something out loud you knew you could never say, what would it be?

726 replies

twistandshoutloud · 12/11/2024 20:58

I'll go first.

I wish I could tell my SIL that I dislike her so much and I wish she'd never met my BIL. I hate that she is now part of our family. She came to disrupt our (far from perfect but lovely) family. I hate the way she treats my BIL. I hate how she makes everyone pander to her every whim. How all her messages are passive aggressive and how rude she is to my MIL. I could never say this out loud of course, but I dream of it often.

Feels good getting that out of my chest.

Anyone else feel free to add.

OP posts:
GreenGherkin · 13/11/2024 08:10

To my friend - You wasted your 20s on him. You are wasting your 30s on him. He is selfish & he doesn’t respect you. You need to stop waiting around for him to one day wake up and be a different person. He won’t.

To my ILs - clean your dirty house. It is disgusting.

minmooch · 13/11/2024 08:14

@Justfortoonight I hope you can find a reason to go in. Those who love you see you as love you

AlbatrossStrike · 13/11/2024 08:16

AlbatrossStrike · 13/11/2024 08:08

I love my dh and he’s a good one, especially when compared to some of the men you read about on men. But if I ever end up single again, I will stay single. I’m done with living my life on someone else’s terms, having someone think they have the right to raise their voice at me and cleaning body hair off the bathroom floor.

Supposed to say men you read about on MN.

Errors · 13/11/2024 08:17

I am friends with a couple. They both caused me an immense amount of stress and grief last year because I started seeing one of their friends who was also single. They were extremely opinionated on it for no discernible reason, said some very nasty things about both of us behind our backs, tried to break us apart before we had even gotten started and generally just threw their weight and opinions at us seeing each other.
I wish I could tell the guy in the couple that his partner cheated on him for YEARS and he didn’t know and never noticed and also that she consistently talks about how much she hates him behind his back. Perfect couple they ain’t.

Pluvia · 13/11/2024 08:19

One more. 'I've just seen you post yet another glowing, OTT post and photo about your darling partner, the soul mate and love of your life on FB. Do you really think we don't know you only do this when your relationship is going through a rough patch?'

MyEarringsAreGreen · 13/11/2024 08:19

I'd tell the parents who say to me "well what do you want me to do" re their disgustingly behaved children: I want you to parent. Take their phones/games / privileges away from them. Tell them they HAVE to do their homework. Teach them that NO means NO; not can we negotiate for 10 minutes. Teach them to clean their mess, not deny its theirs.

Cantabulous · 13/11/2024 08:24

Thedinosaurus · 12/11/2024 22:30

I wish I could say that I wish I’d never had my DS. He leads a miserable life which is so full of anxiety and fear about other people, and he himself can be so difficult to be around with his constant stream of paranoid thoughts, accusations and blame. His emotional regulation is so poor. I worry that his future is bleak. He hates his school despite it being set up for his needs. If he can’t cope with it how is he going to cope with the rest of life? It took years to get the diagnosis, the additional support, the therapies, the special school, and still life is shit for him, and therefore for me becuase how can I be happy when he is still in so much turmoil. Everything is supposed to be okay when you get the needs properly identified and met. It is not.

I don’t know what the answer is anymore. We have done everything we can possibly do. I am beginning to lose empathy. He is always worried, angry, paranoid, revengeful etc when he is with me. I understand why, I just don’t have the empathy anymore and I am shutting myself off from him to protect myself. I have to really force myself to act as if I like him and be the mum he needs. I often fail. Why can’t I be the mum who doesn’t have any issues with her kids just with the system? Or better still the one that doesn’t have an issue with either her child or the system? The one where it just all works and I only have normal Mum worries.

Edited

I couldn’t read and run. I’m so sorry for your situation, I really hope you can find someone in real life that you can actually say all this to, it may help. Sending love 🌺

TinyTear · 13/11/2024 08:26

Mum you are 80 years old and caring for an abusive twat with dementia while your children have all moved to other countries because YOU NEVER LEFT|. you could have left when we were 15 or 20 or 25 but no, we left instead and talk for 5 minutes once a week because that is all we can cope with.
ALL OF YOUR CHILDREN.
Now you come and say you want to go to a home and not the same home as dad? well you stayed before and now you care about leaving? fuck you.
you have children with are VERY low contact and now come moaning? think about it.
you supported that emotionally abusive twat all your life.

Husband, I am only staying because the children have SEN and would not cope with 3 days here and 3 days there or even 1 week here and 1 week there.
The moment the youngest finishes GCSEs I am out.

ThanksItsUncleFranks · 13/11/2024 08:31

I only open the links you bombard me with long enough to see if they expect a laughter, heart, 100 per cent or tear emoji. I then hit that emoji. I never watch any of the YouTube videos you bombard me with (ain't nobody got time for that shit) so respond with a thumbs up to all of them.

Katbum · 13/11/2024 08:32

sunbum · 12/11/2024 21:17

Your kids are totally fine and standard, they dont have ADHD, they're not on the spectrum, they dont have severe allergies and they're not different or special in any way. You should be happy about that.

Yes. Also ‘you are no more neurodivergent than most everyone is, cope with it, we all find life very hard.’

BorryMum · 13/11/2024 08:35

I would say ' DH the reason why I am not emotional with you is because every time you were mean, unkind, selfish and controlling I put another brick in my wall that now surrounds me so you can't hurt me anymore'

Also 'you were never a sister to me, I felt like an only child and you are the most selfish and stubborn person I have ever met. I don't think I will ever see or speak to you again and it doesn't make me sad'

And finally 'why does everything that gives me joy go wrong? I've resigned myself to thinking things will never get better and I just keep plodding on until I die'

OhDearMuriel · 13/11/2024 08:41

To MIL
You reap what you sow.

Your on your own now and very lonely. I hope you look back and reflect on your cruelty.

pockledigg · 13/11/2024 08:41

To my monstrous mother, I'm glad you're dead. You'd serve time in prison if you treated me now how you treated me in the 1970's.

To her sisters who gave me a hard time for not going to her funeral - how fucking dare you. You lived 200 miles away. You have no idea ... although you knew how unhinged she was - maybe you were too scared to do anything?

To my last boyfriend - stop messaging me, I don't want anything to do with you. You knew I loved you and you used my love to get as much out of me as you could. What was I thinking? Fuck off you sad fucking loser.

Soonenough · 13/11/2024 08:43

I wish you would die soon.

You deserve everything you got . I am not surprised he left you nothing as you hadn't bothered with him for years . And yes I did know about it and tried to warn you .

I wish we had a closer relationship but you are both selfish brats and only are nice when you want something.

TorroFerney · 13/11/2024 08:44

XChrome · 12/11/2024 22:46

To a nice woman whose feelings I do not want to hurt; I think that if people believe in the kind of work you do, it may give them a temporary placebo effect, but I have learned over the years that I am completely impervious to the placebo effect. So please do not invite me for meditation sessions, Reiki, crystal therapy, sound baths, cupping, past life regression, or any of the other woo woo stuff you are into. You do your thing and I'll do mine.
I know there are actual benefits to meditation, but it simply does not work for me and your approach will not change that. I have my own ways of achieving peace of mind which work for me. Thanks for caring, but no thanks to any of the suggested sessions.
Also, you call yourself an empath, but you consistently talk over me when I try to express myself. That doesn't seem like a sign of high empathy to me. Please try to dial down your enthusiasm for your own point of view a smidge.

Edited

Your last sentence is absolutely fantastic. I have made a note of it it’s that good.

Birdseyetrifle · 13/11/2024 08:48

Justgoodforthegetting · 12/11/2024 21:05

I wish I could say to my ex “you are a really poor excuse for a gentleman, and you’re not a much better father, our child deserves way better than the half arsed effort you put into parenting them because you’re too selfish to put them first.
I despise you and everything you stand for because you’re a truly awful person, you’re a selfish, emotionally abusive man child and I hate myself for ever thinking it a good idea to have a sweet, innocent child with you.
you’ve turned out exactly the same as your father and your pathetic mother enables your despicable behaviour.
I hope one day you realise what you are”

Apart from the emotionally abusive part…..I have said this to my ex. It made not a jot of difference as he didn’t take any of it on board and thinks he’s perfect. Hasn’t seen our child in years, yet his mum posts what a great dad he is on Father’s Day 😂😂😂

It was a waste of my time and anger 🤷‍♀️

BustyLaRoux · 13/11/2024 08:53

Pluvia · 13/11/2024 08:06

I think we must be related. Your SIL has to be my sister. She's always been like this. I and the rest of my family tried to hang in there with her, hoping she'd mature and change, but eventually most of us went NC because she was so unbearable. What was your brother thinking?! We didn't come to the wedding because we knew nothing about it. I hear from an outlying family member who stayed in touch with her that my sister told your family that she grew up in a dreadful, abusive family and had to escape at an early age. Not true! We send you our commiserations.

Show quote history

I did wonder for a second there if you might be her actual sister!! But she is not NC with her siblings or parents. (Although has fallen out with her siblings and one of her parents at various points over the years!). Actually she speaks about her upbringing in this kind of faux candy sweet idyllic picture perfect childhood which doesn’t ring true. How family meals were all of them jovially sat round the big table sharing food and laughter for hours at a time. Every night. But I think it’s a case of rose tinted glasses. The family dynamics were difficult and their dad was very overbearing, occasionally violent from what I can gather. However we all have to bow to the dinner gods and anyone who doesn’t have all their meals as drawn out, sit down family affairs is wrong/shunned. I often eat standing up/on the go. Of course that is wrong as it’s not how she does things. Whenever I say that I sometimes do this, she will literally pull a face and shake her head as if I’ve presented her with a turd!

I love her. I do. She has had my back more than once and is kind and loyal and would do anything for anyone. But it comes at a price. I could have added myself to the list of people who don’t speak to her anymore dozens of times, but I avoid conflict and I am quite easygoing so I swallow my annoyance (and bitch to my DP!). I do feel for my DB though. He is far from perfect but the poor chap can’t do anything right!

RosieTheHat · 13/11/2024 08:55

To tell my ex Husband's new wife to run like fuck because he is an abusive arsehole and I bet he never told you the real reason we split.

VickyEadieofThigh · 13/11/2024 08:58

HereForTheAnimals · 12/11/2024 23:48

@MrPickles001 it is the mass production for the population that is the problem. Chickens have been bred to lay more and more, and having masses of chickens to supply supermarkets means one thing - profit comes before welfare, regardless of caged, free range or organic.

I'm off shortly to do my shift at the hedgehog rescue. The woman who runs it also has rescue chickens and sometimes gives me a box of their eggs. Is that not acceptable?

ShillyShallySherbet · 13/11/2024 08:59

I wish I could tell the farmers on the school run not to leave their gas guzzling monster trucks running while they drop their children into school and then stand around talking to each other for ages. Then go home and complain to the school about a challenge they set the children to reduce co2 which involved asking the children to eat plant based food for a day. Grrrrr!

Londontown12 · 13/11/2024 09:04

WhitefeatherFeldman · 12/11/2024 21:19

That the majority of people who post updates and selfies on Facebook, Instagram and Tiktok are just insecure buffoons whose lives are actually incredibly boring.

Nothing they are doing is interesting or original and the desperate need for likes is a pathetic attempt at self validation.

Pouting with duck lips just lowers your IQ. It really doesn't look as good as you think it does.

The politics of friending and unfriending is pathetic.

TL:DR Social media is just a way of telling the world how insecure you are.

Yep I’d say this as well!!!!

Usernamehistoryfull · 13/11/2024 09:05

I would leave you in a blink if I had the money for a deposit on my own house, and if I could guarantee I'd get the kids 100% of the time. But I won't leave them with you even one day a week for you to treat them the way you treat me now. I'd rather stay and suffer to defend them, day in day out.

SlovenlyOldSlut · 13/11/2024 09:05

To a dear friend - there IS no afterlife. So please, please let yourself enjoy this one instead of obsessing that there might be some way to be reunited with your mother. It breaks my heart to see you unable to 100% enjoy anything because you’re so mired in the idea of being able to have her back - and worse, it would break HER heart if she could see you now. But she can’t. You have to live; really live.

To my dad - I know you were a very successful businessman and you achieved a huge amount, especially considering your background. But realistically, it’s been 25 years since you ran a business of a similar size to the one I work in now, and the helpful advice you give me is hopelessly dated. Also, I know you think I should be more ambitious, but look where never being satisfied has got you. You could have retired very comfortably years ago; instead you had to keep looking for the next thing, and now you’re 73 and still having to work instead of wanting to. I do learn from you, but sometimes not in the way you think.

To quite a few patronising “Awwh, you’ll find someone” folk - Not only do I not want to find someone, but your dysfunctional relationship is actually one of the reasons I know I’m better off single. You need to pity me to make yourself feel like you’re better off than someone else, because having anyone is better than having no one, but you haven’t realised that I pity you.

BunnyLake · 13/11/2024 09:07

To a friend. I strongly suspect you have a personality disorder, you are almost certainly a narcissist. You complain that your adult kids hate you and you seem to have no clue as to why, to anyone who isn’t a narc, it’s no surprise. Secretly I’ve never really moved passed you having an unjustified nasty go at me (by text) a few year’s ago.

Gosh this thread is cathartic isn’t it!

Projectme · 13/11/2024 09:09

Persianpaws · 13/11/2024 06:22

You don’t have two daughters, you have two confused teenage sons that believe they are girls because you have pushed your own agenda on them their whole lives.

Your children didn’t want to wear nail varnish at school or make up, it was your protest against the school not theirs.
They worked out quickly as young children that they got extra praise and attention for choosing the clothes and toys from the girls section and insisted it was their choice to have long hair when you were always complimenting them and praising them for growing it.

You have gaslighted them their whole lives that they might not know what gender they are till they were older or that sex isn’t binary. Now the youngest has only decided he is a girl after seeing how happy it made you when your eldest said he was. Can you not see that all he has done has change his name and still completely presents as a boy?! He is so confused about his identity but all he focused on was how proud you were of him when he said he was a girl and after years of being told he can choose his own gender he believed he was making a choice you wanted.

I wish you would stop bragging about how proud you are of your “queer” household, there is no absolutely nothing wrong about feeling pride about your own sexuality but its a shame you think it’s the only thing that defines you and never talk about anything else. Your sons didn’t need their whole lives to be about celebrating it and they would have benefited from spending more time with kids their own age when they were young rather then being dragged on protests and rallies or festivals.

The people who have tried to tell you and who you have cut out of your lives were brave in calling you out as abusive for applauding a teenager who has worked two jobs and saved every penny for hormones and surgery, the people who have refused to donate to your crowdfunding have refused from concern not spite. Your son could have been going out with friends and treating himself with his birthday and Christmas money, not spending every spare waking moment at work or on the internet obsessing over surgery that I suspect he would never have even considered with a different mother.

Your ex husband and your sons father agrees with all of this and has tried to tell you but then had to go back on everything so he could still see his boys. He is still desperately worried but has given up trying to bring up any concerns because he just gets called a bigot or transphobe. Unfortunately you have so much support or people forced to go along with it that he was never going to be able to get through to you.

I hope your son doesn’t go through with his surgery next year, I hope something happens to get him to question this path he’s hell bent on staying on until he does irreversible damage. I really wish you could let both of your sons know you love and value them no matter what sex they are - like you should have always done. I never understood what was in it for you?

Christ, this is so bloody sad. Those poor boys. 😥

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