To think this is not professional or am I overacting? Sex talk.

[MeatPotatos]

Changed username as potentially outing

I’m not prude but…

In the small team meetings between myself (junior), other junior, the senior, the manager and the head of service (all female) sometimes the conversation goes toward intimate topics such as sex especially between the senior and the head of service. The manager laughs, the other junior aldo make little comments and I just sit there with a poker face cringing

ie:

1 - once the senior asked to work for a few weeks abroad in a sunny place known for vacations and the HoS said: ‘yes but I don’t want to see any naked men walking around while on online meetings’

2- in a meeting with a solicitor who is outsourced and not part of the team to discuss an important issue, the senior asked the solicitor in a notmal way to have a doc as soon as he could deliver and the HoS said: ‘stop flirting and using your charms, it does not work with lawyers

3- HoS was talking about how she enjoyed a day off with her husband and then complained of back pain, then the senior insinuated that her and her husband had too much sex

It seems like it is mainly the HoS starting and the senior playing along, maybe I shouldn’t be bothered as it is not towards me, but I feel uncomfortable because I’m at work. I want to work with serious professional people, not this - they sometimes make general jokes about sex, not aimed at anyone in particular and I just think it is ridiculous

In case is relevant:
The senior is mid 30s
I’m early 40s
The other junior, the manager and Head are late 40s/early50s

All married, we are not teenage girls

Because I don’t engage in the above, I feel as I’m not as close to them as they are from each other, fine, I’m there to do my job not make friends. I do laugh and banter re: other topics though.

But sometimes I find myself wishing as was in a more professional environment and wonder if I should leave

It isn't professional but it isn't something that would bother me at all. It's just daft office banter between a group of women - I have heard much, much worse!

We're all different though, if you don't like it that is absolutely fine. Might be time to find something else.

I’m no prude and I might make those jokes with a friend but I’d find it a bit yuck at work. I can’t say I’d do anything about it though

I get what you mean - I can be a complete 12yr old boy with my close friends and we giggle and make stupid jokes all the time but I don't want to hear about my colleague's "dirty weekend" or her need for multiple orgasms a week 🤮

I've actually done a course on calling out inappropriate behaviour in the workplace but I am still reluctant as don't want to get labelled as a bore - it's hard to manage

Was this dynamic established when you joined the team, or is it a more recent thing?

I think most of what you've described is pretty tame. I'd be concerned about it possibly escalating over time though.

There was only one reference to sex in your example.

None of that would even make me raise and eyebrow to be honest.

But it bothers you, so I suppose you're going to have to say something 🤷‍♂️

It wouldn't even enter my head that this was an issue. It's not exactly x rated talk.

A bit cringe. HoS seems to have sex on the brain. Bit yucky but nothing you’ve said seems too outrageous really.

The dynamic was estabilished when this particular team was formed, we all joined at different stages and knew each other prior but from other teams so I think it is a click of personalities and I’m the odd one out

Very different if there was a man involved,but it's a group of women and I agree it's pretty gentle teasing not obscene language.

There is more but I dont want to be outing

I’m not planning on doing anything, just checking if I’m the problem and if it is normal practice in other people’s job

I'd consider those comments pretty tame OP. I was expecting much worse.

I would not be bothered at all about chat like this in my close team. But it's really really context dependent. I have been in jobs where that wouldn't be the done thing at all.

When example 1 happened there was a male colleague in the team

That changes everything and becomes a whole different dynamic then.

I don’t think it’s abnormal or very bad. They are just insinuating stuff, it’s not graphic talk about sex - and there’s no suggestion that anyone is flirting with eachother or being sexually inappropriate because they are all straight women (as I think you would have pointed it out if any were not straight).

overall I’d let it go - I think it’s alright. As you say, not professional, but not awful.

This. It's not 'strictly professional' conversation, but it's also not grossly inappropriate behaviour for the office either.

It sounds both like you disapprove and also you feel a bit left out. I'm not sure you can have it both ways?

Your options are to speak up at the time "I'm a bit uncomfortable with the innuendo, could we keep it out of work conversations?" Or speak to the HoS in private to say the same (which will be easier for you than saying it publically). If this is poorly recieved then you could try a grievance under the dignity at work policy. However, most people would find what you've described to be pretty mild and I think that unless you work in a culture that's very strict around these things, you will probably end up seem in a worse light than they are. So you might want to decide whether it's worth it.

It's not the most professional behaviour but team dynamics are rarely 100% professional, especially since it's so subjective and depends on overall culture.

I'm not hearing anything particularly obscene here or anything wildly inappropriate targeted towards anyone so I've voted you are being unreasonable but I think it's fair enough if you don't like it.

I think you're a bit uptight OP, it's nothing offensive or outrageous.

In my experience the people talking about the sex are the ones that aren't having the sex. I'd find this weird too OP.

I have a new manager who is so painstakingly professional it’s boring as hell! All face aching smiles and hi how are you and dull small talk. I’ve had some real laughs and lots of banter in some of my previous roles and I really
really miss it. It’s used to make the day go faster and a bit of humour helps so much. No way you can do it now as people feel the need to control every interaction around them.

They sound very immature and childish.
And unprofessional.
It would annoy me and I'd be tempted to tell them to grow up.

I wouldn't like it either. In one workplace I was in, none of the women talked about sex, except one older woman. She was always making crude comments about sex.

I remember one woman blushing and looking uncomfortable and the older woman said "what are you blushing for, you're a married woman!"

I don't think it's appropriate to talk about sex at work. It makes people uncomfortable

I thought you were going to say that they came in to work each morning and discussed their sex lives, conquests from the night before, who they'd like to sh*g in the office etc (which would be inappropriate)
The things they say are a bit cringey but i think you are being oversensitive OP.

Good heavens! I think you’d actually die of embarrassment in my workplace then. None of that actually sounded very bad at all.

If you aren’t comfortable with it then you should raise it. No one should feel uncomfortable in the workplace, but that said no one was whipping out any dick pics they’d got sent on tinder (this has happened in my place of work).

It all sounds quite tame and just work friends having a joke together. I think that’s the difference, maybe they see each other as friends as well as colleagues, and not just colleagues.