To think this is not professional or am I overacting? Sex talk.

[MeatPotatos]

Changed username as potentially outing

I’m not prude but…

In the small team meetings between myself (junior), other junior, the senior, the manager and the head of service (all female) sometimes the conversation goes toward intimate topics such as sex especially between the senior and the head of service. The manager laughs, the other junior aldo make little comments and I just sit there with a poker face cringing

ie:

1 - once the senior asked to work for a few weeks abroad in a sunny place known for vacations and the HoS said: ‘yes but I don’t want to see any naked men walking around while on online meetings’

2- in a meeting with a solicitor who is outsourced and not part of the team to discuss an important issue, the senior asked the solicitor in a notmal way to have a doc as soon as he could deliver and the HoS said: ‘stop flirting and using your charms, it does not work with lawyers

3- HoS was talking about how she enjoyed a day off with her husband and then complained of back pain, then the senior insinuated that her and her husband had too much sex

It seems like it is mainly the HoS starting and the senior playing along, maybe I shouldn’t be bothered as it is not towards me, but I feel uncomfortable because I’m at work. I want to work with serious professional people, not this - they sometimes make general jokes about sex, not aimed at anyone in particular and I just think it is ridiculous

In case is relevant:
The senior is mid 30s
I’m early 40s
The other junior, the manager and Head are late 40s/early50s

All married, we are not teenage girls

Because I don’t engage in the above, I feel as I’m not as close to them as they are from each other, fine, I’m there to do my job not make friends. I do laugh and banter re: other topics though.

But sometimes I find myself wishing as was in a more professional environment and wonder if I should leave

That is how I feel

If it was in the office at break times and break designed areas I could leave or look down on my phone or whatever

But during meetings, when we are discussing or are about to discuss work related issues and I have to be engaged it just feels so weird to me

I think everyone in op's workplace is of a similar age

I guess it's not nice if it's just one manager forcing younger people to get involved x

But if it's an otherwise decent workplace with others who get along well, a bit of girl talk is okay for me

To me, there’s nothing wrong with example 1 or 2, and I’d personally also laugh at 3, but think 3 is a bit much for a work meeting at the same time and I understand why that would make you uncomfortable

You wouldn't last five minutes in my workplace, the examples you have used are very tame. It does make me think you are more of a prude than you are admitting to yourself!

Oh gosh, you wouldn't want to work with us, all close colleagues and nothing is off limits! We don't work in an office and the banter is generally BOH but we do have plenty of customers who also enjoy a bit of double entendre, cheekiness, all in good fun!

Nothing you have said stands out as over the top to me

But why should people have to talk about sed with their colleagues?

Well if someone came into my workplace and said that their back was hurting, I don't think I would say to them "you must have been having too much sex".

Like someone said in the OPs post.

It depends how close you are to your colleagues I suppose.
We talk about everything at work. It's funny and it makes the day go more quickly.

I don’t see why anybody’s age is relevant

From the title and the way you started to say about talking about sex I thought it was going to be a bit more dramatic than what it is!

Don’t know, I guess somebody would ask thinking I’m young in a team of older people or vice versa

I wouldn't say you're the 'problem' but they certainly aren't either in my opinion.

I'd say the problem is you're not the right fit, if such very mild talk of nudity etc makes you flinch.

Yes all men are evil predators. Report him to the police OP!

This really is pathetic

Yes me too, this is very tame indeed!

They all sound a bit childish but the examples you give are hardly about sex. They’re clumsy crude double entendres but hardly anything to make a person blush !

I don't think the strength or the level of crudeness or whether the OP is considered "prudish," matters.

I think what is probably getting to the OP is the utter predictability of these childish remarks double entendres, even in business meetings, and even to clients, and the fact that she can't escape it and being associated with it.

It must be extremely irksome knowing it's going to happen most days.

It sounds like a conversational reflex. That is so engrained they don't even realise the extent they are doing it to. It may be that this has evolved as the way the two main managers communicate with each other - that signals they are on good form, cheerful or whatever. Its like its their own form of conversational shorthand.

It's either to say "Everybody! Look at me!" or "You see what I did there? I'm so clever." or creating a frisson of embarrassment in the listening group? or make everyone think that they are the confident life and soul.They remind me of Eric Idle's Nudge Nudge Wink Wink character from Monty Python character.

It's probably so ingrained now OP that it would be hard to get them to stop, and they would certainly resent it. Maybe some one on here could think up some phrases you could use to water it down in a polite way like "Calm down ladies." or similar. In the same way that people say "get a room".

It's honestly very innocent sounding. I realize it involves sexuality but for people who are comfortable with making reference a bit, I think it's pretty normal. You don't have to participate and I get that everyone's comfort level is different. You could mention how it makes you a little uncomfortable because you're very private in that department and perhaps they'll wait for when you're not around. As for making a complaint, nothing here sounds over the line at all. You just have different boundaries than your work mates.

Fair enough if you're not someone who is chatty like them, possibly shy and single??but I feel I need to tell you to chill a little and not be so uptight about life. You can have friends at work, you sound very black and white in your opinions with no fun.

Regarding their sexual comments. If it makes you feel uncomfortable it's worth you saying something if they ever ask you about your sex life, call them out on it as it can be quite embarrassing especially if you haven't been brought up to be open. I'd be careful on this though, but if it affects you so much speak to HR. Some people think they're funny talking about sex when their not and it sounds desperate and common.

What is said in meetings with others, such as the solicitor example, is not acceptable. It also could lead to allegations such as harassment, or someone declining to do business with them.

Starting point for saying their 'banter' is unacceptable.

When I was reading this I thought you would be alot younger than 40.

It's in bad taste, but I suppose they think a group of mature females can have a bit of banter. It's very tame and they already know you don't go much on it.

Are these meetings regular enough to make you dislike your job?

Their behaviour seems childish and unprofessional. Just rise above it. As long as you do well in the job that's all you need to worry about.

Think you should just lighten up. Crikey we can't go even more woke as a society and it's obvious they are having fun and not being serious. It's not like it's bedside talk and it's hardly sex they are actuslly talking about from your examples. To get upset about that is prudish honestly i thought that was going to be way worse. Just be thankful it's only banter and not bullying.

Bloody hell OP, is this serious? It's mild and lighthearted office banter between similar aged women.... it's not original or even particularly funny but, whatever, it's been normal in any place I've ever worked. You are my age and I couldn't imagine being so uptight and prudish.

Your reaction is extremely OTT to even consider this as an issue.

When I read your post I was expecting something akin to sexual harassment and really inappropriate comments which have zero place in the workplace or anywhere.....but this......

To everyone else reading this, this is why you have to be so careful these days and really 'know your audience', you never know when someone could be lurking with the potential to blow the simplest of things out of proportion and start making accusations and allegations. Scary.

If no. 1 was stated with a male colleague present I do think it’s inappropriate. If the tables were turned and this was a bunch of men with one female colleague and “naked women” were mentioned I bet everyone would say it is creepy and inappropriate. The rest of it is silly banter .

That’s not sex talk. It is a bit cringey but it’s a very long way from sex talk. Even example number 3 in your list, you only said “insinuated” so again, nothing explicit.

The thing is OP you’ve said that you enjoy banter in other subjects, so that suggests that you don’t actually want a formal and professional environment. You just want “banter” that you personally have deemed acceptable.

It’s fine not to enjoy those kinds of jokes, but PP describing them as sexual harassment is just ridiculous. And the situation becomes hypocritical when OP says she’s fine with banter if it meets her personal standards.

Up to you if you want to say anything OP. As PP suggest, you could try a light rebuff that gets the point across without being heavy handed but really, if you don’t feel like a good fit then maybe find a different job where there’s a more formal environment. Obviously though, that would also mean none of the banter you say you do enjoy so could be a bit dry. Your choice really.