AIBU to be at the brink of despair from my own historic actions?

[Confusedmummy24]

Long story short, I was in an awful relationship X amount of years ago. I had a two children during this relationship and have just discovered via a heritage test, they are not full siblings.

Im fucking mortified, ashamed and wanting to try and do the right thing.

Ive made the children aware. The main child in question doesn’t want to discuss or know further but this may be a temporary reaction.

Worst thing thing is, I think I know who the father is, but I can’t exactly pinpoint and confirm with the relative matches; it is extremely unlikely it is another person, but not inconceivable. I know how this makes me sound and I don’t even want to make excuses for my behaviour. I just need you to be aware of the fact I was in a very bad place at the time.

Do I wait and see what happens or do I try and confirm (which will require speaking to the person/or his family).

We haven’t spoken in a very long time and I’m also cognisant of the fact I’ve robbed him of time with his child.

You haven't robbed anyone. Men should be aware that if they have sex without condoms or are careless with them, pregnancy might result.

Take a little time to think. If you have spoken to your child I'm guessing they aren't little. It sounds like you are panicking. Let the dust settle and see how you and your child feel then.

What was this heritage test? Are you sure it’s reliable?

I think this is water under the bridge. For centuries there have been men bringing up children that were not their’s, men with no idea they were fathers etc.
You did the best you could with the information you had, your children are siblings and nothing can change this.

…and pregnancy might result if neither of them use contraception.

I don’t know - I assumed it would be.
The results have come up with some matched family names with me (like cousins etc) but not with my other child. Absolutely no matches on the paternal side.

As much as this is true, it’s absolutely equally my fault

I think the fact you did a heritage test meant you weren't sure.

And now you've told your child they deserve to know who their real father is.

But like many above I'm not sure I'd have gone down that route in the first place. (I mean I would have just left it that they were both his)

Adult children - they have both been fine about it - they don’t have a relationship with the man I thought was their father as he is not a very nice person. This was not through lack of trying. I’ve never taken a penny in maintenance

Does the affected child wish to know their father ? I think this is more important if the father is of a different culture / race, they may well want to know about their heritage.

Child did their own test - I got the notification as a match for ‘mother’

Child didn’t notice the half sibling bit, I pointed it out and tried to explain.

I would be being a liar if I said I didn’t think it was possible, but timings didn’t really work (as much as they can with PCOS I guess)

Im glad youve spoken to your children about this. I recently found out my father isnt my father and my mother laughed, she thought it was funny.
We havent spoken since.

Child says no.
Same culture / race.

How old are they?

I do think it's important people know where they've come from.

Oh didn't see that post. If they don't want to know they don't want to know.

Maybe write the names somewhere and seal them in an envelope in case they ever do?

I’m so sorry - that is awful. I have said I will tell children anything they want to know. This is on me and I need to make it right (well as much as I can)

First you say your were in a bad relationship and clearly you yourself contributed to that. What's worse you clearly had very big doubts at least one child wasn't his. Maybe he also knew all of that and just never said. Either way it's done and dusted and surely it's up to the child at that age to decide what he/she wants to do not you

18

It sounds like you've done the hardest thing, which is to tell the children. It can be very difficult for people to hear things like this about their creation. It's important to recognise the place you were in at that moment in your life whilst also making sure they fully understand that they were not a "mistake" or that you feel shame around their existence. Apologise for your part in their current feelings and dilemma and offer to support them in anyway you can - if you can afford to, offer to pay for counselling for them to have space and time to think about whether or not they want to pursue a deeper understanding of their background and/or a relationship with their other parent. Tell them you will facilitate it anyway you can. Apologise to everyone you hurt.

It sounds like you've already done some of this. Once you have, you need to accept that whatever comes next is outwith your control. Whether that is living with angry, distant children or not. We can not go back in time. We can not change our past mistakes. We can apologise, attempt to repair and move on but we sometimes need to accept that this won't happen.

As the child is an adult, I'd leave it tbh. If they have any questions I'd answer honestly, and if they were interested in trying to track down their biological father I'd help but I'd be guided by them.

At this point there is no use trying to track the guy down yourself, what would be the point of telling him if the child in question doesn't want to know? That is just likely to cause pain for no reason.

I wouldn’t push it but I’m sure in maybe a couple of years time they will come to you and want to know. They maybe in a bit of shock. Do you know if the man is still alive?

He knew. We were at that stage of the relationship because of his violent behaviour. I think I just lost the plot at some point and became intent on self destruct. It wasn’t the right thing to do. I left him the moment he put his hand on my child. I should add, he did cheat many many times. He obviously didn’t get pregnant.

Honestly, if I had serious doubts about paternity at the time, I’d happily have left him.

I am also guessing that the DC with the surprise father is older. Gently, if you aren’t even sure who that is, were the candidates even aware of your pregnancy? You haven’t given the impression that you remained close and it sounds like the main candidate has gone on to a life of his own.

I think at this point the relevant DC, if old enough, deserves a major say in your decision. The only exception would be if you desperately need CM funding. But what will you do and how will you feel if if the main candidate proves not to be the father? You will then need to track down the other guy, or leave your DC hanging.

You may well blow up two men’s lives. This is worth it if you need the money and/or DC needs it for peace of mind. Sadly I suspect there is a strong element of hope in the notion that the father looks forward to a relationship after all this time, though it is the desirable outcome

Please forgive yourself, OP. I don’t think this is such a big deal, and you sound like a caring mum

At 18 if your child doesn't want you to take it further then I think you should leave it and take their lead.

The child in question knows and they are your priority.

as this child is an adult my position would be that they were in charge of next steps so my job would be to support them in whatever that will look like rather than deciding i knew what was best and contacting people who this child may have absolutely no interest in being in contact with.

I would give them the space and support to decide and explore how they feel about this and what they want to do with this information if anything at all and help them to take any steps if they do decide they want to take this further.

I know there is an argument that the father has a right to know and they are being denied something by not telling them but my job as a parent is to be my child’s advocate and on their side always so that trumps any other feelings I would have regarding the moral of informing the potential father.

it would be different if the child was very young, too young to make their own informed choice because I would have to make a decision on their behalf but they aren’t in this circumstance