AIBU to be at the brink of despair from my own historic actions?

[Confusedmummy24]

Long story short, I was in an awful relationship X amount of years ago. I had a two children during this relationship and have just discovered via a heritage test, they are not full siblings.

Im fucking mortified, ashamed and wanting to try and do the right thing.

Ive made the children aware. The main child in question doesn’t want to discuss or know further but this may be a temporary reaction.

Worst thing thing is, I think I know who the father is, but I can’t exactly pinpoint and confirm with the relative matches; it is extremely unlikely it is another person, but not inconceivable. I know how this makes me sound and I don’t even want to make excuses for my behaviour. I just need you to be aware of the fact I was in a very bad place at the time.

Do I wait and see what happens or do I try and confirm (which will require speaking to the person/or his family).

We haven’t spoken in a very long time and I’m also cognisant of the fact I’ve robbed him of time with his child.

It isn’t silly, OP, and I am very sorry because it sounds like I brought up pain. You were in a bad place and I hope these guys brought you some comfort. As much as I generally value monogamy for my own relationships, I regard it as a private matter and your ex was def not worth it.

You sound like a good mum and a good person. I hope you can forgive yourself and let this go. Just focus on DC if they need help processing. Would it motivate you to know that your guilt likely won’t help them?

Again, very best wishes

Thank you - I’ve spent the last four days not sleeping and crying about this. I thought at one point about doing something stupid because my life has finally just become settled and now it’s full of pain again

Again, I am so sorry. I imagine the Past You as someone vulnerable, not someone to be ashamed of. You did what you had to do, and you got through it. That’s something to be proud of.

Now you are in a better place. Don’t let uncalled for guilt distort that, or get in the way of your relationship with your DC.

It’s to mourn a fantasy as you lay it to rest, if you don’t get overwhelmed.

This is not helpful. Words have meanings, being "half" or "full" siblings isn't a nebulous feeling, it's a fact of biology. And I don't think I'm being too optimistic about humanity when I say that most men, upon finding out they are going to have a baby with a short-term fling, would probably end up being a father who a child would be glad they knew, even if they are not dad of the year. OP has said that she separated from her previous partner due to abuse of her escalating into abuse of the children, so I would say there is a 99% chance OP's child would have had a better father growing up if he had been aware he had a child.

At best, the child missed out on only financial support and birthday cards from their natural father, at worse, they missed out on a dad who would have shared custody, given them increased opportunities in life, childhood relationships with other siblings, being part of a whole other extended family who would have loved them.

However, OP, while I understand your devastation, I hope you know that what you're feeling right now is temporary. This wasn't something you did maliciously, and your child loves you and will need you to help them navigate this new reality and the potential new relationship with the other half of their family. This situation doesn't speak to who you are today, and the fact that you were open with your child when you realised the truth counts for a lot

We must agree to disagree. My strong impression is that only a very small minority of men not in an LTR with the mother would step up this way. You have only to read MN to see how many men have no interest in shared custody, so it is hardly an ‘at worst’ scenario. Also, OP was in her own LTR with a violent man for an unspecified part of the DC’s childhood. Just how would she have arranged all of this? And what if the father was the other guy?

Furthermore you omitted a key part of my phrase. OP’s children are half siblings biologically, but they have been brought up as full siblings whereas in the modern household half siblings usually are not. Therefore I was careful to say full siblings in the most meaningful sense of the word, and to specify in the next sentence that these are the bonds created by life and love rather than DNA. I did this because I share your respect for definitions, and I appreciate being quoted accurately.

It was clear I was focused on the emotional rather than legal aspects of the familial relationships.

We do agree OP is doing a great job now and should be good to herself.

Hang on though, it seems that OP is basing this info on the fact that none of the DC's father's relatives were on the website. She says that matches came up for her, but not the paternal side. Couldn't that just mean that the paternal relatives have not done the test and uploaded any results?

That is a great point, @NoisyDenimShaker This could be much ado about nothing, and wouldn’t that be wonderful?!?

Or OP could mean that her DC had maternal matches but not paternal matches?

I hope OP will assume the most helpful explanation for the life of her family

Apologies, @batt3nb3rg . I see you regard shared custody as the ‘at best’ scenario.

I am still unclear how OP would have acquired financial support whilst in her highly problematic relationship, especially being unclear about the father. Or how the child could have received birthday cards, etc. Even establishing paternity in her situation sounds nightmarish, and could have opened her snd DC to (further) harm.

This is what has happened. DC only has my matches and not paternal (who are on there for 1st DC)

So does DC have other paternal side matches?

Yes - but I cannot work out who those people are. Distant matches of two names were shown to me by DC before DC completely shut down and refused to show me any further

*and women

Thank you - i appreciate that.

i actually remarried and my spouse has been an amazing father to my DC for many years. I won’t go in to detail about that side, but he hasn’t been best impressed about this situation. He feels I should track down and tell the individual and that I’ve robbed them of the opportunity to be a father.

We haven’t fallen out over it and he is being supportive, although somewhat judgemental.

For transparency, the original relationship ended when what I perceived to be potential violence to my DC began (first instance). I took both DC and left. I attempted contact later, but he wasn’t interested so I stopped trying. DC’s were both primary school age at the time. I never claimed maintenance as ex didn’t work and I have always had a good job.

I really think you need to stop and let your DC take the lead on this. How old are they? The paternal father has a right to know yes but I don’t see the rush, a few months longer isn’t going to make a difference really.

Let DC get their head around it and decide if they want to pursue this. Try to stop panicking, you’ve not done anything wrong, you’ve not done this on purpose. I just think the rest has to be DCs decision.

If/When they get angry (or whatever they feel) let them, if you have any self pity (completely normal I would think in this situation) take it to someone else and don’t put it on your child. Keep apologising and be there for them.

You’re right, I’m absolutely panicking and I’ve thought about nothing since. I’ve hardly slept and I’ve hardly eaten. I feel riddled with guilt and I just can’t believe this is happening. I don’t deserve any sympathy, I know that.
i did what I did.

DC is 18.

DC seems normal, which I don’t like, I feel like DC is not being open with how they feel and I won’t want DC to feel like that. I’m probably projecting my guilt far too much.

DC seems normal, which I don’t like, I feel like DC is not being open with how they feel and I won’t want DC to feel like that.

Thats ok, don’t try to rush the process. You may be doing that because you so badly want everything to be ok, that’s understandable. But things aren’t ok at the moment, they will be, just not at the moment work on accepting the situation for what it is right now.

This will be a marathon, not a sprint, there will be no quick fix, let DC feel how they feel when they feel it, let them change their mind about their feelings if they need or want to and just continue to let them know you’re there for them.

You’re in fight or flight but this isn’t a situation that needs a quick reaction, it needs a long drawn out well thought through response.

You are so right.

I sat in my car when I found out and didn’t move. I didn’t know what to do. At one point I even thought it’s probably best I just kill myself now because everyone will hate me. It was a passing thought and it went quickly before I told myself that would make everything worse, but I am completely still panicking and wanting to run away from it all.

Stop beating yourself up over this, OP. This isn't such an uncommon scenario. Everyone makes mistakes. I think you've made the right decision by telling your children, but they are adults. Any further action should be when and if they are ready at this point. It's all very fresh too, so let things settle for a while.

I think you have to be guided by the child. He’s not interested right now so I would leave it.
Make him aware you’re prepared to try if he changes his mind.

Shouldn't the woman be aware that by having sex with multiple men then there's going to be confusion over paternity? And yes, she has robbed the child the of theor right to oniw their biological dad.

@Confusedmummy24 Hey, how are you?

I am actually going ok - my DC seems ok but doesn’t want to talk so I’ve left it for now.
Burying my head in work to stop worrying!

Well done for letting things go a little, I hope you all get where you need to be. Come back to the thread if you have a bad/down day x

Tbf if she didn't let him know she was pregnant and he could possibly be the father what was he supposed to do track down every ex shag and ask for paternity tests on their children? Also doesn't say they didn't use a condom.