AIBU to be at the brink of despair from my own historic actions?

[Confusedmummy24]

Long story short, I was in an awful relationship X amount of years ago. I had a two children during this relationship and have just discovered via a heritage test, they are not full siblings.

Im fucking mortified, ashamed and wanting to try and do the right thing.

Ive made the children aware. The main child in question doesn’t want to discuss or know further but this may be a temporary reaction.

Worst thing thing is, I think I know who the father is, but I can’t exactly pinpoint and confirm with the relative matches; it is extremely unlikely it is another person, but not inconceivable. I know how this makes me sound and I don’t even want to make excuses for my behaviour. I just need you to be aware of the fact I was in a very bad place at the time.

Do I wait and see what happens or do I try and confirm (which will require speaking to the person/or his family).

We haven’t spoken in a very long time and I’m also cognisant of the fact I’ve robbed him of time with his child.

Sorry, OP. I see that the DC is 18 so CM is off the table. I would be guided by your DC.

Very best wishes

I would argue she has robbed her daughter

It's a difficult situation for you all but your children are loved and you can give yourself credit for overcoming such a traumatic period of your life. Give it some time OP, it's a lot for your child to absorb. I would be led by them if they decide in the future that they want to find out more. Please don't beat yourself up, you're doing the best you can and you sound like a lovely mum who is sensitive to your children's feelings 💐

This is a really good question, I don’t. I have tried to see if he is still at his old property but they’ve knocked down the flats and built houses. I’ve found an old friend on Facebook but cannot see any pics of him since 2015 ish. I’d have thought if he had died, there would be some sort of post about it.

I agree. And that’s exactly how I feel. I feel like have robbed my children of being full siblings, my child of what could have been a great dad, not to mentioned his family.

Thank you - yes no maintenance in question and thankfully I have a well paying job so I’ve only relied on my own money throughout. I have never claimed any CM

I would argue against this! Your DC are full siblings in the most meaningful sense of the word. The most important family bonds are created by life and love, not DNA.

Do you really think that families who go to great lengths to adopt - sometimes literally to the ends of the Earth - regard their adoptive children as somehow lesser, or their bonds with them as weaker?

Again gently, it isn’t easy to see why you think one guy or another who didn’t stay in touch with you would have been a great father. I know you were in a difficult relationship, so it’s almost a given that you might fantasise about a white knight. No harm in that. But from the outside it isn’t clear that either of these guys was doing you any good, except in the very short term sense of providing respite. Not necessarily clear they would be great dads.

I am very very sorry you are blaming yourself for something I don’t see as much of an issue, providing you can help your DC to process it. And I am personally a bit traditional.

OP, things happen. All you can do is tell the truth and own up, which you have. It sounds like you’re an amazing mother and have been really brave. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

Do you mean a DNA test? What is a heritage test, is it legit? You need to be led by your children in all this really. Don't beat yourself up, what is done, is done.

What's done is done. However you've explained it to your now adult child, that must have been hard.

I'd personally ask your son if he wants the names of his potential dads written down. If anything happens to you now it dies with you sort of thing and makes it harder for him in the future if he changes his mind. It's a big crass writing that sorry. If he agrees then you can leave it sealed with your will. In a few years when he's had time to absorb it you can ask if he wants you to destroy it or not.

Your son is only 18 it's probably the last thing on his mind as you've obviously done a fab job with him and he knows no different father wise. He may think differently if he wants his own children later down the line etc.

@Gettingbysomehow same here. My mother didn’t laugh exactly, but continued lying, gaslighting, minimising, asking me who I wanted to be my father! I said I wanted the truth..

Don;t be beating yourself up about this, it's not exactly unheard of and surprisingly common! I'm on several DNA/Genealogy FB sites and this is arising the whole time, probably the most common post there is. Anyway your children know which is the main thing, if when older they want to take it further then they can, can probably be figured out from the DNA even if you don't know exactly yourself.

I was actually watching a DNA programme on TV last night, in it one participant found out in her 60s she was not a full sibling to the rest of her family, she said it explained a lot blonde/green eyed in a family of dark hair/eyes and a foot shorter than others. Her siblings said of course it doesn't matter, she is still their sister, parents long dead so nobody to answer questions. Anyway the bit that really got my attention was when the interviewer asked how do you feel about it now and your birth cert father not being your bio father she said, hell I'd have cheated on him too! It's not always awful news. Give yourself a break.

It sounds like you have dealt with a difficult situation honestly by telling your child. For now respect their wishes. There’s no need to dwell on the past. Good luck

BTW There is a series on R4 called The Gift which follows several stories about the fallout from heritage tracing.

I’d take the child’s lead and leav it but get as much info and conformation as possible then if they do decide to follow up it’s ready for them

tbh I think the situation with the guy who they thought was dad has helped because it would of been different it they had a relationship with them

OP you sound kind and thoughtful, please also look after yourself. This is not an uncommon situation. Nobody can ever really know what the alternative paths of anyone’s lives could have turned out like. Don’t assume just because you now have some new information that what your kids had was worse than the hypothetical alternatives. Nobody knows.

You do know that you’ve done your best for your kids as a mum. You got them through to adulthood and you’re there for them still. That’s something to be proud of.

It sounds good advice above to note down any information that you have for your adult children to see, if and when they want it , and say they can ask you about it any time.

That doesn't make it okay. If it turned out that, say, 2% of mothers were being given the wrong baby in hospital and raising them as their own, there would outcry on MN. In fact, there would be demands for routine DNA testing.

If this was an ancestory type DNA test Id want to do, and would pay for, a proper DNA test to check the relationship between the siblings before potentially blowing anyone else's life apart.

I'm so sorry to hear that. What a horrible way for your mother to behave.

It does seem a bit of an over-reaction to be 'at the brink of despair' over this.

Your DC are now adults, so it will have no financial or practical implications whatsoever (bar some possible rare medical event).
They don't have a relationship with man they thought was their father. So it is not even a question of who walks them down the aisle!
It is of no importance.

Yet obviously there is something that is deeply upsetting you. I suggest going for a few counselling sessions to dig into this - what is it that you are despairing over? What is the real issue here?

This. You have given your child information. Its now up to them to decide what they do.

Well you don't get to say how someone should or shouldn't react. Op has clearly stated that she was in an abusive relationship and this period of her life was chaotic. She may have spent the past 15 years or so suppressing all of this in order to function as a single mother. Now he children are safe and this has reared it's head it's possible that it is re-traumatising.

Her eldest child is 18 so by no means an "adult". And at this age they may not have the capacity to understand the longer term consequences of any decision they make about whether or not to try to establish who their other parent is. Op might well fully understand this and it's absolutely normal to be devastated by the thought of your child being in pain.

Having said all of this, I do agree that counselling could help OP to process her abusive relationship, her parenting guilt and any decisions she may have to make in the future and make her feel slightly more in control of the situation.

Have a proper DNA test of both children done first. I wouldn't rely on "heritage" tests.

It really isn't. All that anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad is all well and good, however this situation is about genetics. It is vital someone knows their biological situation so that they can make the right decisions for their health care. At the other end of the scale is having the knowledge of who their relatives are so that your child doesn't have sex with a relative they don't know is family.

Oh my goodness. Your poor love. What an awful reaction from your mother. I hope you are getting any support you want.

This hit me hard. I’m not sure why I thought anyone would be a white knight - with
hindsight many years later I know that’s just silly