DS made racist comment at school

[ellie09]

I have a DS age 7 who has ASD and he struggles quite a bit socially.

I am utterly appalled and ashamed by what I have heard this morning. This wasn't any thing directly to me or by the teacher.

DS apparently made a comment to a girl in his class saying he "didn't want to play with her as she has brown skin". This apparently blown up in a private group chat on WhatsApp that I was not aware of. I hadn't had any communications from teachers or other parents, so I was confused.

His best friend at school is a Muslim boy and his granny is Brazilian. He has grown up around different skin colours from a baby. We have had a serious conversation today in which I have told him he must apologise to this girl tomorrow.

However, I am also angry that this has been put on a WhatsApp group before anybody has even spoken to me, I assume the teachers aren't even aware. Of course, this has caused outrage in the group chat (and rightly so!) but I can't help but feel this was wrongly handled by the other parent as this is a group of 7 year old children and issues like this can escalate very quickly.

How do I handle this moving forward? Do I request a meeting with the head teacher and make them aware of the incident etc?

I feel really sick at the thought of walking my child into school tomorrow, knowing that most will be judging based on what they have heard.

Btw, I'm not in the group chat - screenshots were sent to me by another parent.

The inside of the tape dispenser fell on my foot during a lesson. The kids started shouting that I'd said a rude word or sworn and telling their parents this had happened. Except I hadn't. I actually said something like "Well that hurt." I had adult staff to back me up too.

This is a totally unacceptable witch hunt. Your son said nothing of the sort. The teacher hasn't spoken to you about it because it never happened. This needs to be nipped in the bud - ideally in assembly where your son's name is declared innocent. And the parents need to learn some manners. Your child has ASD. What's their excuse for completely unacceptable behaviour and lack of social skills? Do they think he's feral?!

Your son has nothing to apologise for. I think his class and their parents owe him a huge apology in person.

I mean what I said thanks.

this exactly. This is a 7 year old 😢

Mum of little girl did not share on WhatsApp. It was some other kid.

I remember when I was little, my cousin completely changed what I said and told his mother. He was the one who was bully.

Op's son could be completely in wrong or it could be the other child heard Op's son say 'brown skin' and added extra bit that he said he does not want to play with little girl because her skin is brown.

This

I have had a few similar incident, where I was accused of something I didn't say. The kid accusing me was the over imaginative, mischievous kind. I was the quieter kid so I couldn't get my word against him.

Are you kidding? Autism is irrelevant here? No. And stop it with the faux-nice 'gently'. Autism IS entirely relevant here. I can't believe that you are dismissing this child's disability. You do know what autism is don't you...? Because the fact that you think it isn't relevant suggests that you don't.

God, there's some ignorant people around.

You are being unnecessarily harsh to OP and acting superior.
I am brown skin but don't understand this need to put down a woman who has done nothing wrong and admits her son made a mistake. She has educated her child on skin colour but 7 is still very young and they are still learning.

Good. So glad. Maybe all the witch-hunters on here will back off now.

Then again, maybe not. 🙄

I wouldn’t have punished him at all. Children shouldn’t be punished for their innocence- that’s harmful. He simply needed some education about race and when and how it’s appropriate to ask certain questions.

Yes this

The school can say what they like, they can put out communication on their views until they’re blue in the face but this will never stop parents having private Watsapp groups. As I said, they can’t control what other parents say on groups. The OP wasn’t on the group, she was sent screenshots of it. Absolutely no-one can control what’s said on Watsapp chats whether others like it or not. Many times I’ve seen a HT put out communication only to backfire on them, parents do not like being dictated to especially regarding what’s said on private chats/snap chat etc. SLT can, to an extent, control what happens in the school setting but certainly not outwith that setting. I hardly see how the child was “tried in a kangaroo court“ on Watsapp. Yes, some parents may have shared their views with others but he’s hardly been “tried’ for goodness sake. I would assume all the upset parents approached the school regarding the comments made and have now been assured that the situation was dealt with at the time. I was SLT for many years and it’s not unusual for a group of parents to have Watsapp chats going.

Educate yourself it's a racial slur it's offensive.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-30999175

I disagree with you and I am brown. Just because somebody was mean to you and made unkind comment about skin colour decades ago does not mean this kid is doing the same.

And autism is relevant here..Op has punished her son and asked him to apologise to the girl. Little girl's mum has not wrote on the whatapp, its parents of a 3rd child. Also what is said on whatsapp and what op's son says are two different versions. So she also has a right to care for her son. He did not tell little girl's skin is dirty, nor did he say he will exclude her on the basis of her skin. So it's different from your experience.

The parents also need to know and get educated even on this thread there's racial slurs being posted. The problem is when the child goes home they hear their parents say it and then they copy. I am not describing the op she is one of the parents who wants to know and teach her son. The school can only do so much it has to start from home. It's important that school and home communicate.

No other parent said anything to the school except for me

You wouldn’t know if other parents had spoken to them if the school are following procedures. There is no way I would have shared information on what parents had spoken to me with other parents.

Really?

Because when I visited this morning, the head had to rush and speak to the teacher as she had no idea what I was there for?

Yes really. I would never divulge what parents had contacted me to another parent. If the HT went and spoke to the teacher then that doesn’t say other parents haven’t contacted them via email/school app and they hadn’t picked the messages up. You also don’t know if they called later in the morning. This is getting silly now, you’ve had a resolution yet you’re still questioning posters when there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Deeper issues later in life? You haven’t lived in a foreign culture have you? Quite obvious. For if you have, you’d soon learn that the world doesn’t like outsiders. Stop vilifying small children! You’re sounding ridiculous.

This sounds like a tricky situation and I'm sorry for you and your son but at the same time we all need to be vigilant and anti racist because some of the 9 year olds today will grow up to be racist, it's just a fact, it's not dying out and pretty much no-one will admit it's their child. I'm not saying it's yours but having friends and family members that are other races isn't enough.

From another perspective depending on the mix of people in the school and children in the classroom he may be picking up on the nationalist far right atmosphere at the moment and wants to distance himself from being bullied if he is also from a mixed background. He might want to hide away with white shields. Of course it’s no less hurtful to the little girl.

My DS said he didn’t want to play with the boy in his preschool because he was brown. He was 3.5 back then. This year he said the same thing about another boy. I have no idea where it came from! I was mortified, we talked to him a lot about it. Just hoping he wont say it in school. Then he also said he didn’t want to play with his other classmate because he spoke another language (moved to the uk few months ago so isn’t fluent in English). I’m not British and my children speak two languages. It’s just bizarre why he’s saying these things. He’s not ND, and is a very kind boy and good friend otherwise.
he told me one evening they teach them at school about the fact that people with dark skin couldn’t do important jobs back in the days but now they can be doctors etc so it’s good. I just think it’s way too early to teach them about that?
im sure if he said it in school the judgment would be on parents probably being racist where it’s totally not the case in our house.

When Dd was 5 a boy in her class called her a poo. You could say that it had nothing to do with her skin colour and that he was just being rude. However the teacher reprimanded him although she never raised the matter with me. Nor did Dd.
Boy’s mum raised it with me, very upset, saying her Ds would never use such language, seemingly discrediting the occurrence of the offence, no apology to me or Dd.

Op is right to have been concerned about what her Ds might have said and the offence caused to the other child.

I’ve lived in other countries, travelled extensively in many more, and always been welcomed, as have my children, including in school, where they were the only ‘outsider’. So, it’s certainly not my experience that worldwide people don’t like outsiders.

I’ve been ostracised as an outsider in my own country though, as a child.