DS made racist comment at school

[ellie09]

I have a DS age 7 who has ASD and he struggles quite a bit socially.

I am utterly appalled and ashamed by what I have heard this morning. This wasn't any thing directly to me or by the teacher.

DS apparently made a comment to a girl in his class saying he "didn't want to play with her as she has brown skin". This apparently blown up in a private group chat on WhatsApp that I was not aware of. I hadn't had any communications from teachers or other parents, so I was confused.

His best friend at school is a Muslim boy and his granny is Brazilian. He has grown up around different skin colours from a baby. We have had a serious conversation today in which I have told him he must apologise to this girl tomorrow.

However, I am also angry that this has been put on a WhatsApp group before anybody has even spoken to me, I assume the teachers aren't even aware. Of course, this has caused outrage in the group chat (and rightly so!) but I can't help but feel this was wrongly handled by the other parent as this is a group of 7 year old children and issues like this can escalate very quickly.

How do I handle this moving forward? Do I request a meeting with the head teacher and make them aware of the incident etc?

I feel really sick at the thought of walking my child into school tomorrow, knowing that most will be judging based on what they have heard.

Btw, I'm not in the group chat - screenshots were sent to me by another parent.

I agree that's what it's all about teaching children how to behave through stories not chastising them. It's not the end of the world another poster said it it's how you respond. Children should be brought up not dragged.

Talk to the mum about how seriously you are taking this. I am 31 and grew up in an area where 29/30 kids in my class were Asian. When I was 8 my best friends said they wouldn’t play with me because “your skin is dirty.” The child’s mum would have had memories like that and I would be frothing at the mouth.

Gently, autism is irrelevant here; you’re just trying to make yourself feel better. In fact, they often have a stronger sense of social justice than most people. Everything you’ve said is really about you and how you feel.

They can't police it, but they can make their views on this practice very clear. It might just make one or two people take a look at how they conduct themselves. Some people do embrace personal growth and learn to do better next time.

The school have said what the OP's son said was not malicious, but this WA chat certainly seems to have taken a malicious turn. They have basically tried a 7yo on their virtual kangaroo court and found him guilty. That is not okay.

Now that you had the explanation from your DS.go and explain what he actually said to the school teacher, he was being curious not racist, he is only 7 and has to deal with bullying at school.
The WA group are totally out of order.

what do you mean the same school?

This isn't racism.
He isn't prejudiced he just said something socially unacceptable.
You are punishing him for his Autism and inability to express himself.
He doesn't need to apologise.
The parents labelling a tiny kid a racist should be apologising.

She works at the same school her child attends, surely?

Luckily, the school have said they witnessed what he said and determined it was not malicious. He was spoken to, and the boy he said it to is his best friend, they played again a few minutes later.

The WhatsApp group are completely untrue with who the person was, and the comment that was made. This was all tales sent home to parents from children who had heard and made their own story of the event.

I reached out to the boy in questions parents, as DS and this boy are good friends and this boy also has SEN. They told me they understood and it was quote alright and their son was not affected and really valued DS friendship. They told me not to worry, and that is was absolutely fine.

Sorry I misread- I get it now (sleep deprived!)

A similar comment was mage to my daughter when she was in year 2. The comment was " I'm only inviting white people to my birthday party" I'm black, as is my daughter.

She's 24 now and doesn't remember the comment. I do.

She told me about it and I didn't bother reporting it. I talked my daughter through it. On hindsight, I probably should have said something to the school.

I wouldn't have started a group chat about it. I did tell another black mum about it. I was more about teaching my daughter people like this child are ignorant. When you face so much racism in life, these comments aren't surprising. It does make me wonder where it comes from, as kids aren't usually born this way.

Absolutely I would have reported it - most parents would like to know if their child has said something inappropriate so it can be addressed at home. I wasn't in this case and in your case, no point in dwelling and it hasn't had any lasting affect on your child (thank goodness!)

It must have been awful at the time for you though - I couldnt even imagine how you would have felt with such a comment being made to your child

Sorry, wasn't clear. My ds attended the same school that I work at. I had to always be careful about what I said or did. Doesn't sound like the classroom assistant at your school with a child in your ds class has been.

Actually my point is that DS wasn’t actually being racist or sexist.

He doesn’t/didn’t believe that boys are better than girls. If all those outside the door had been wearing green he would have shouted “no green clothes allowed”. He was a 5yo adopting a very crude and socially unacceptable means of putting people into groups in the context of a silly game.

Of course I also explained to him why both comments were unacceptable and I hope he wouldn’t do this now, either.

I do agree with you though that boys saying they don’t want to play with girls and vice versa is very common and I don’t see it being criticised often.

well then they are immature and not doing their own child any favours.

lol, ok. She's already said she was appalled and spoke to him. How about you rein it in a little. He is also 7 and grown ass adults are bitching about him in a Whatsapp group. You'd be in there like a shot, I can tell. You live for it.

That's ok - I only realised once I re-read 🤣

Replies from harridans on this post lol....
There is absolutely nothing wrong with children curiously asking about skin colour and if people think there is, that is them projecting their own insecurities and experiences through their own lens. It ain't about you. Narcissists aplenty on this site.

I'm not saying sexism is the same as racism

why isn’t sexism the same as racism? Why do we correctly recognise that one is profoundly wrong and just tolerate/ laugh about the other ?

I would also like to know how others would have handled it

Effectively, I have punished my child for an incident that didn't even occur with the child in question. But anyhow, he was educated and spoken to on racial matters, did an apology card and he didn't get to go swimming etc that day.

How else do you "punish" a 7 year old?

As your son did nothing wrong, you need to tell him you were wrong for punishing him. I cannot believe that adults made such a pigs ear of this situation.

OP's son isn't accountable for what the other kids were saying, he can only be held to account for his own actions. Clearly the school felt whatever was said was so inconsequential and minor there was nothing to report therefore nothing to talk to him about or guide him on.

Sounds like the school are doing the right thing by addressing it in school through lessons and putting out guidance on the dangers of dealing with incidents in school via Whatsapp.

@ellie09 I would maybe do work with him on how changes are not a bad thing. I posted earlier about a similar reaction my niece has to spots. My sister is doing lots of social stories and science work about the changes puberty will bring. You do have a while but they will start learning about it in school.

We have books we use in our book corners so the children are used to seeing them all year round. This is just one example and others may know better ones.

I would have told others in the group to grow the F up and pack it in until the facts from the school were known. I also wouldn't indulge my kid who says something controversial about another kid until I had the facts. But then, I am not a childish gossip.

Unfortunately, I wasn't a member of th3 group to tell them. Then nobody would add me once the comment was made

So much apologia on this thread. Attitudes really coming out!