DS made racist comment at school

[ellie09]

I have a DS age 7 who has ASD and he struggles quite a bit socially.

I am utterly appalled and ashamed by what I have heard this morning. This wasn't any thing directly to me or by the teacher.

DS apparently made a comment to a girl in his class saying he "didn't want to play with her as she has brown skin". This apparently blown up in a private group chat on WhatsApp that I was not aware of. I hadn't had any communications from teachers or other parents, so I was confused.

His best friend at school is a Muslim boy and his granny is Brazilian. He has grown up around different skin colours from a baby. We have had a serious conversation today in which I have told him he must apologise to this girl tomorrow.

However, I am also angry that this has been put on a WhatsApp group before anybody has even spoken to me, I assume the teachers aren't even aware. Of course, this has caused outrage in the group chat (and rightly so!) but I can't help but feel this was wrongly handled by the other parent as this is a group of 7 year old children and issues like this can escalate very quickly.

How do I handle this moving forward? Do I request a meeting with the head teacher and make them aware of the incident etc?

I feel really sick at the thought of walking my child into school tomorrow, knowing that most will be judging based on what they have heard.

Btw, I'm not in the group chat - screenshots were sent to me by another parent.

Yes but some disabilities can mean it isn’t necessarily about race. Eg if someone has profound learning disabilities and screams a racist word they have heard in public, does it mean they are racist? What about someone shouting out with Tourette’s. To separate the disability from this is just impossible as it is a very important factor in this situation.

Its also pretty horrendous the amount of people calling the 7 year old girl a bully or implying she deserved it

The little girl who's only role in this has been to tell her mum what happened at school presumably

Yes maybe her parents have been out of line (without seeing the messages, who can say?) But it doesn't sound like she has done anything wrong here but people are adamant she should be understanding to him as he's the victim and she's bullying him

That little girl deserves to have it adressed

I'm not suggesting he's put in stocks or publicly lashed but previous posters have said she doesn't even deserve an apology

Oh please shut up. She’s not part of the problem. She’s expressing that he’s not surrounded by white neo nazis so that can’t be the reason why he said it.

Seems to me there are massive data protection and confidentiality issues around this group. Time to suggest it gets wound up, or at the very least strict rules be put in place preventing identifying individual children?

I'd confront the vicious gossipmonger who has been stirring up hatred against a child in a group chat.

Data protection? There's no school link, it's separate mum's who have separate group.

Data protection applies to institutions not individuals in their free time

The school can't implement rules in a separate private chat

I find this quite strange as by that age he could have learnt some of the terminology behind racism. The name calling is quite available to children of that age which leads me to believe he actually doesn’t like brown skin in the way that some children don’t like ginger hair or disabilities. Have you asked him why rather than punishing him? You can’t punish a troubled thought out of a child’s mind. Surely you’d prefer him not to feel that way rather than get him to just shut down whenever he feels it?

Stfu. Why should Black/Brown skin children have to grow thick skin to put up with hate and racism from evil and uneducated people who most likely allow their children to live in racist households as they are so obsessed with others skin colour.

I know I would see the word ‘golliwog’ in here told in an innocent ‘omg I was portified’ way. This place attracts such a weird bunch obsessed with others.

Op, speak to the school and they will help you handle it. I hope the girl and your son are okay.

Bloody hell, are you for real 🙄
The mum is trying to sort this and support him and speak to the school about sorting this out,
OP ignore this type of unhelpful comment

Knew/mortified

I would speak to the school/head first thing tomorrow and make them aware of the adults watsapp group.
Kids say mean things to each other.
At 7 years old I don't think your son will understand why that comment is so unacceptable. You can only talk to him and explain. He's just a child and the adults need to remember that.

Something similar happened to me as well with my kid: the school and I agreed on what work we would do to follow it up (which did include sanction at school) and as I didn't have contact details for the other mum and don't see her at pick-up I asked the teacher to pass mine on so that I could apologise to her directly (my kid had already apologised to the kid). Ours didn't end up on WhatsApp. She was a bit younger than OP's DS at the time.

I think that you have to take into account how stuff like this lands as well as intention. I agree with the above posters that this doesn't mean that OP's son is a racist. Intention is relevant. But the other child has experienced a racist incident that is probably going to stay with her forever. The fact that the maker of the comments is a child and doesn't have any racist intent in the political sense doesn't mean that the other child isn't the victim of a racist incident. That's not reversible. I think that was the thing that I found the hardest about what my kid did. She and the other girl actually play together a lot now and their good relationship might counterbalance what happened but it can't blot it out.

She's part of problem because of her response to it. Racist things are said and down by people who are not inherently bad, all of the time. How you own and respond is key in those situations is key.

@Lentilweaver I'm not disagreeing with measured comments from brown MNers. Just the (unfortunately many) wild ones from people who make it extremely clear they think the incident was utterly trivial and/or show no care for the little girl and/or she deserved it. I haven't seen any comment like that from someone who also mentioned they weren't white.

This was not just a "mean thing". This was a racist incident.

The parents of the children, and the school, are the only ones that need to be involved with this incident. It shouldn’t be put out there for discussion by anyone else not directly involved.

Can I just add that there is no indication at all that the girl in question who is SEVEN YEARS OLD is a bully.

My child has said he likes her and that he enjoys playing with her.

He has let me know the bullies names and I know who they are. Ironically, it's the kids who act nicest to him.

He has told me that these two children told him they don't like him because of his skin. So I think it's parroted behaviour.

I will be speaking with head teacher about getting a session in soon on race, diversity and inclusion in the school. My DS is apparently saying 2 children are saying they don't like him because of his skin colour.

It seems like a wider issue in the school itself.

Much as it may make you uncomfortable, people are allowed to talk about racism.

The whole thing, from the jump, should have been about the little girl, her feelings and recovery from a racist comment.

The intersectionality comes in because adults took it to social media and started making derogatory comments on Whatsapp about a disabled boy who has a history of being teased to the point of meltdown at the school.

Then a statement where he said he doesn't like brown skin, which is self projecting as he was self conscious and a bit distressed that he was tanning in the sun over the summer and didn't like this change.
I think this is hugely relevant.
I'd tell the teachers this.
The fact that the OP, is challenging her son on his behaviour and helping him not to make the same mistake again is important and relevant also.

The whole thing, from the jump, should have been about the little girl, her feelings and recovery from a racist comment.

Realistically, most people are going to be concerned for their own child in the first instance.

Also as an update

I am disgusted by DSs comments and it is not reflective of the household he was brought up in
Discussions were had a round race and edcated videos to DS (who learns more visually)
When DS calmed down, he explained a side where it seems there is deeper rooted racial comments happening in the school 2hich he has parroted
DS has been punished in the way I see fit - he had his Sunday fun activities taken away, he has spent this afternoon writing apology letters to the girl involved and has had to go through some videos etc of some education around race etc

I am so embarrassed and feel a lot of shame around this - I thought my child was brought up better than that

You're behaviour is pathetic. I'm embarrassed for you.

How one earth have you got that from OP’s posts. Think you’re making up your own narrative here.