...to think that women should be able to warn other women....

[thebrollachan]

...about the behaviour of specific men in their friendship group?

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/cancel-culture-death-oxford-university-b2643626.html

(The incident appears to have happened a few days before his death, was sexual in nature, and involved an ex-girlfriend.)

Maybe it was a lie. Or a mistake. Or it really happened and she didn't want other women to run the same risk.

What it wasnt was "cancel culture".

You should be ashamed of your post. As you’ve highlighted the details are scant, although we do know what he said to peers.

Yet in spite of no facts you’ve assumed it’s the woman’s fault, “women often do”.

Do they? You know that about everyone with confidence do you?

PeachRose, well if someone were raped & then no one believed them or offered sympathy, they might commit suicide. There has to be a middle way, without mass shunning or fisticuffs.
We don't know what happened in this case, I'm speaking generally.

And all of you posting without a thought for the boy or his family should be ashamed ! Yes women make shit up !! The facts are not clear yet but hasn't stopped all of you jumping on this boy to label him the problem ! Typical mumsnet isn't it no-one is allowed to have a different view are they ? Women are never to blame for anything are they ? And how many of these posters have sons i wonder ?

Maddy70, I'm really sorry that your father behaved that way. I understand that your dad behaved differently to your stepmum. But personally I wouldn't want to marry someone who abused their wife, even if they would definitely not abuse me. Being in an unhappy marriage isn't an excuse for abuse. Surely many people are the same?

It didn't take long for some on here to label the bloke a sexual predator.

It would be nice if people stopped making stuff up, and thought about those that are involved in this.

I have a son.

I've raised him to not be so obtuse as to assume a direct causative link between one very bad social experience and the choice to end one's life.

Oh piss off. What about the woman whose mental health may be destroyed by an alleged assault? Why is the concern always towards the man first and foremost?

Youre right in that nobody really knows what happened except those who were there, but as a PP said nobody is owed unconditional friendship. Overwhelmingly, women don’t make this shit up, so if a group chooses to ostracise someone on an allegation of sexual assault that‘s their prerogative. It is nobody’s fault this man took his own life - as tragic as it is, it is his choice and his alone. I publicly outed my rapist and I don’t regret it. Frankly I couldn’t give a toss what he might feel or do as a result.

Do you think people who are suicidal are simply being 'obtuse'? Have you thought about becoming a therapist?

This is key, lucy. Women do lie, but not 'very often'. Thar is a rape myth you shouldn't be spreading.

This is in terribly bad taste.

In fact this whole thread is awful.

There are two possible extreme scenarios:

One is that he did abuse her and she was right to warn others.

The other is that he did not abuse her, and she used a made up story to turn others against him.

We cannot tell from what has been posted which is the case. Probably the only person who could definitely know would be the girl in question.

So people saying "dreadful" on either side are just as bad and potentially wrong as each other.

I think we all agree that women (or men) should be able to warn others; I hope we all agree that men (or women) shouldn't behave in a way that needs warning in any way. I expect we all agree that a woman (or man) should be able to speak out in confidence they will be believed.

But I also hope we all agree that no one should lie about an encounter to turn people against others.

Young man has a sexual encounter with a woman that makes her feel uncomfortable, she confides in male friends. Male friends confront him and he kills himself
And this is being portrayed as the womans fault somehow.
I genuinely feel for the young mans family but I in no way can this be said to be the fault or responsibility of the young woman involved.

Nope, the obtuse part was you implying that this situation we know so little about was the primary reason for this lad's tragic choice.

As others have said, if a woman says that something unpleasant happened sexually, I'm going to believe her, because generally, women don't lie about it. Can they lie about it? Yes, but it's vanishingly rare. The fact that the perpetrator admitted it in a letter as being 'unforgivable' is also fairly solid evidence of male wrongdoing.

He may have felt it was 'unintentional', but that doesn't reduce the impact on the victim. I also can't blame her for not going to the police or uni authorities, because both of which are well known to be shit with dealing with sexual assault.

She's also entitled to confide in her friends. Her friends are entitled to support her and withdraw their friendship wherever they see fit. Honestly, it's actually kind of refreshing to see men taking a stand against sexual misconduct, so the idea that the coroner should be speaking against it is pretty disgusting.

It's sad for the lad's family, but it sounds like his suffering, like his death, was self-inflicted. It's awful to try and lay the blame at the feet of the girl and her friends.

This.

We don't know what was done and to whom. No arrest, no trial just hearsay and a dead young man.

I do think taking it so far w the physical beating & encouraging year group to shun him does suggest cancel culture for virtue points rather than righteous anger. I'm going to Oxford next year & I'm v worried about being ostracised bc I'm not a rabid anti-Zionist & I don't believe lesbians can be attracted to penises.

Who is saying its her fault and her responsibility? Even the articles aren't.

Because he was ostracised from a large social group based on what he may or may not have done.

I didn't imply that, you must be confusing me with someone else.

The coroner was clear that suicide is complex but this incident was a factor.

True, sorry, I thought I was replying to lucyloket88

No problem.

I also don't like the way people are saying it couldn't've been non-consensual bc she told male friends soon after & made them get aggressive. Maybe that's suspicious. Or maybe it's not. The 'perfect victim' narrative is dangerous. People don't always act in straightforward ways after assault. A woman might sleep consensually w her rapist after. Or w another man. None of those things fit into a straightforward narrative, & none of those things mean it wasn't assault.

Yes, you don't need to follow "due process" when you decide who to be friends with.

If I knew that one of my friends had engaged in violent behaviour, or acted in a way that I couldn't reconcile to my own moral code, then I would probably consider dropping them. And I wouldn't need to follow a formal process to do so.

No-one owes anyone friendship.

Well done for reeling off a bingo-card of rape myths 👏