My Partner Does not Remeber Childhood

[Peach0123]

Hi,

I am looking for some opinions on this situation and also some advice .

My partner and I have been together for 6 years, very happy and have 1DS. During the whole time we have been together he has never chatted about childhood, his teenage years, or now noticing any recent times.

Things come up whether watching TV, out with our DS or just in general conversation where I'll say " yeah I remember doing so amd so as a kid" or talking about teenage years, what posters were on my wall . What friends I had and how we drifted, you get where going with this. My partner has absolutely no memory of his years whatsoever. 2 memories, which are the exact same MIL talks of every single time and there's no space to ask questions there or would be first person I'd ask, he would have been about 5 then.

So there's no drip feed- I do feel he keeps alot to himself. A few months ago, went to an event and met really key people, had photos with them, he would have been buzzing with excitement. Came home and I had no idea until seeing his camera roll a few days ago he had photos with them. He told no one at all. This was a big deal for him but was brushed away like nothing.

I am so open with him and always have been, it feeling like opeing up whenever needed is not right.

I have tried to speak to him at various different times about things then felt better to stop getting nowhere to help.

stuck now, do I help. If so how?

AIBU to think 6 years I should be treated like a stranger.

Brains work differently
My siblings and I are autistic. I remember a lot of childhood but can retain little new, and rarely remember what I did the previous day.
My sister has fantastic executive functioning and super speedy processing, but almost no childhood memories.

I can do that! I’m also good with phone numbers and birthdays. However a member of staff at my daughters school who has worked there for years and we’ve had previous dealings with is leaving next week, the kids were talking about her at home but I absolutely cannot picture her. I also need to drive somewhere about 10 times before I can remember how to get there without directions.

My partner is exactly the same and we've been together over 30 years.
He doesn't remember anything about his childhood, never talks about it. We were together three years before I even knew he had an older brother.
I thought it was some sort of trauma but now I'm not sure because if I talk about things that happened years ago, in our life together, he says "I don't remember".
Do some people just have a bad memory? I don't honestly know, but things that I can very clearly recall from 20 plus years ago, he just seems to have no recollection of.
There are other weird things about him - like he reads the same books over and over again. He'll go through all The George RR Martin series, then all the Bill Bryson then all the Bernard Cornwell. If I suggest a book he might like, he either won't read it or he'll start it and say he doesn't like it. Same with DVD box sets; Morse, Lewis, Montalbano and Wallander on an endless loop until it drives me nuts.
He also never really enthuses about anything. I can get really excited about stuff and say "look, isn't it gorgeous?" and his response will be completely flat. Like "it's nice". He is an introvert, but so am I, yet I get really enraptured by things and he never does.
I think to some degree you just have to accept it as a character flaw. But it can get boring to live with 😞

I had a lovely family childhood, and do remember a few things, but not that much, most of it is a happy content non-descript blur. I've been on many mn threads and this is not uncommon, along with the spectrum of many remembering lots and some not very much, for a variety of reasons, from trauma, to happiness and nonchalant just being non bothered.

I had no idea that aphantasia and autism could result in a lack of autobiographical memories. Now I've looked it up, I see it's not a given, but common enough that there are lots of articles about it. Thanks, PPs.

Fascinating to see how common this is, and not necessarily tied to trauma at all. I've known a couple of people who don't have childhood memories, one was trauma-related but the other says he just "packed it away and moved on" - he's very forward-looking and says he just doesn't think about things in the past much.

A little strange that on a thread full of people's personal experiences with this, there are still posters trotting out lines about how this is a red flag and he's not committed.

He is who he is. This is how his brain works. When you get in a relationship with someone, you really have to accept them for who they are. If you find a lack of childhood memories such an intolerable dealbreaker or insecurity trigger, feel free to end the relationship, I guess, but it seems like a strange dealbreaker to me.

@Peach0123 Haven't read the whole thread, but it might just be SDAM - severely deficient autobiographical memory.

Some people just don't code memories of their lives in the same way that apparently the rest of you do.

I don't have any trauma from my childhood, but really can't remember a thing about it. Or about last Tuesday, for example. Great memory for facts and figures though. Some of us are just wired differently.

For those people who said if you can't remember the events how do you know it was happy - I don't remember any specific events, but I remember roughly the emotional "colour" of them, if that makes any sense at all. So I'll remember if I was happy/sad/hurt/etc, but not why, what happened, who said what to cause it.

It could be trauma, but if he isn't showing any other signs of it, don't leap to that because there are other options...

He either remembers but doesn't want to due to trauma, or he has amnesia due to a brain injury. It took me over a year probably 2 years into my relationship before I was able to reveal a very traumatic incident in my mid teens (SA). Your DP needs therapy and needs to stop lying to you.

I think the posters who have mentioned aphantasia have nailed it. I have many memories from very early childhood and they run like a film inside my head. They also contain the dialogue of what people said and the tone of voice in which they said it. People with aphantasia do not make images in their mind, at all. I can’t imagine being able to remind anything if my mind didn’t record them visually!

What happens if you ask him about purely factual things? Where did you live? What schools did you go to? How many GCSEs did you get? What did you do when you left school? Uni?

My husband is the opposite. His memory of even early childhood quite extensive. He has one memory that he described to his mother when I was there and she confirmed that he was 15 months old at the time.

I have very few childhood memories. No abuse or anything. It I do have aphantasia and I’ve always wondered if that’s a factor.

Not sure I agree with this. My visual memory and imagination are weak, yet I have a rich and vivid imagination. My favourite fantasy author, perhaps unsurprisingly, is Mark Lawrence: he has total aphantasia.

Mark Lawrence - and I - can tell stories about things we've done and imagine doing, describe places we've been and emotions we've felt. He can weave whole worlds, their futures and histories, in his readers' minds. But OP's partner can't even describe his own life or the exciting event he joined this summer.

Having just spent hours exploring the subject of memory, I've learned that we have two distinct types: semantic and episodic:

Semantic memory refers to general facts that have no real bearing on personality, being independent of personal experience. Episodic memories, meanwhile, consist of recollections of life events or experiences. The fact that the Natural History Museum is in London is a semantic memory. The time that I visited it on a school trip at the age of 11 is an episodic one.

So your autobiography is made up of episodic memories. Some people, like a PP above, don't have these. It's possible OP's partner doesn't, either.

I would find this impossible to live with. If he has no 'history', no formative experiences, no ... well, no stories of his life, then who the hell is he? If he enjoys an exciting event and forgets it before he's back home, what's our relationship for? I understand several people have said they do live like this and it doesn't bother them; I don't understand how they can even conduct such a relationship. It would make me feel lonely.

My DH was like this and I found it so weird. After 20 years he has started talking about it more normally. Prior to that I could ask something innocuous like "did you ever go on holiday abroad as a child" and would get "I can't remember" as a reply in a tone which really shut the conversation down.

I think it's a trauma response. I suspect that your DH's childhood was not "nice and normal", possibly though he hasn't acknowledged this to himself.

I have very few memories of childhood. There was a bit of trauma but I had a lovely upbringing with lovely parents. I barely remember anything to be honest, probably up to college.

I suffered from childhood trauma and don't remember anything from childhood. He might genuinely not remember. I think it's a big jump to say he treats you like a stranger.

@Peach0123 no trauma here but I can’t recall very much of my childhood, teen years or twenties, thirties and fourties (I’m 50 now). If I’m honest my long term memory is awful. I can’t recall the ages I was when pregnant (other than my first when I was 18). I have bits of memories - some very random - here and there. Pictures and stories from others may fill in gaps but I never know if it’s a real memory or a learned one from other data.

i have ADHD and a few years ago learnt that I had Aphantasia this med to conversations with others and I learnt about Severely deficient autobiographical memory (SDAM). It explained so much.

it impacts so many areas of my life and I’m learning ways to change and grow now.

aphantasia.com/article/stories/maybe-you-have-sdam/?srsltid=AfmBOoq6yw9y-nlghZ16ETx49ljtPeC0I6c6VRUF6o5Zs1HviQYKhRvk

I don't recall much from mine either and mine was very ordinary. There isn't a blocking out I just dont pay much attention. If i really think about it I can recall everything but cant remember much sbout dchool or school mates

Fascinating post, thanks.

I also share very little mostly because people don't really listen, and also don't care about the things that really interest me.

From the OP-
I do feel he keeps alot to himself. A few months ago, went to an event and met really key people, had photos with them, he would have been buzzing with excitement. Came home and I had no idea until seeing his camera roll a few days ago he had photos with them. He told no one at all. This was a big deal for him but was brushed away like nothing.

I don't see anything sinister in that. By "really key people" do you mean celebs, politicians...? A lot of people aren't actually impressed by people because of who they are. My husband would 100% only mention it if the person had said something he found interesting.

I have very few memories from childhood all the way up to about 15/16 I would say. The few I can remember well are not nice. I consider my family home abusive but many wouldn’t (including my siblings). I just think we are all different and it doesn’t have to be a huge trauma for it to be blocked out.

It used to worry me but not anymore. FWIW I also don’t discuss much with others. I just don’t feel the need!

A stranger is someone you don't know, right? She knows his name, a few basic facts about him, so not a total stranger. More like a colleague in a different office, then, or the guy who runs the corner shop.

Although I suspect that if the shopkeeper had landed a backstage gig at Glastonbury (or whatever this big event was), he'd have told you more about it than OP's partner told her.

I had a perfectly normal upbringing with no trauma yet I have very few childhood memories apart from a few major moments. I don’t recall much of DS’s childhood either just bits and pieces here and there. It amazes me when people can give details about their past. I do however have an extensive recollection of song lyrics so perhaps other memories had to go to make room for them.

People remember the memories but choose to block them out and not discuss. It could be due to unhappy childhood or history of abuse. I never discuss or mention my childhood to anyone. I feel I just don't want to talk about it as well as I am a very private person, hence I can relate with your DH.

I have no memories at all. Even as an adult. I describe it like an etch a sketch. Everyday is a fresh start. I take a lot of photos, but they don't mean anything, I don't remember the moment. I also can't close my eyes and imagine something. I can't be hypnotized either. It's weird Tomy partner who remembers everything