My Partner Does not Remeber Childhood

[Peach0123]

Hi,

I am looking for some opinions on this situation and also some advice .

My partner and I have been together for 6 years, very happy and have 1DS. During the whole time we have been together he has never chatted about childhood, his teenage years, or now noticing any recent times.

Things come up whether watching TV, out with our DS or just in general conversation where I'll say " yeah I remember doing so amd so as a kid" or talking about teenage years, what posters were on my wall . What friends I had and how we drifted, you get where going with this. My partner has absolutely no memory of his years whatsoever. 2 memories, which are the exact same MIL talks of every single time and there's no space to ask questions there or would be first person I'd ask, he would have been about 5 then.

So there's no drip feed- I do feel he keeps alot to himself. A few months ago, went to an event and met really key people, had photos with them, he would have been buzzing with excitement. Came home and I had no idea until seeing his camera roll a few days ago he had photos with them. He told no one at all. This was a big deal for him but was brushed away like nothing.

I am so open with him and always have been, it feeling like opeing up whenever needed is not right.

I have tried to speak to him at various different times about things then felt better to stop getting nowhere to help.

stuck now, do I help. If so how?

AIBU to think 6 years I should be treated like a stranger.

@Gingerlingerlonger, there's a difference between "poking around in someone's psyche" and wanting to feel like you know the person sharing your life.

It might be fine for you and others, but I'm not capable of feeling close to someone who only allows restricted access. In effect, it's a relationship with a partial persona. Very unsatisfying.

I think it's not necessarily strange that some people live in the now and do not reminisce

The two things I would think about are:

• Head injuries. Does your husband play soccer or any other sport in which head knocks occur? Soccer players etc can have brain injuries which sometimes affect memory.
• Snoring and Sleep Apnea. Does your husband get enough good, deep sleep with plenty of oxygen? Some people are always in an extreme state of tiredness due to poor sleep.

I'd also be listening (not directing the conversation) whenever your husband gets together with his cousins, aunties, brothers etc. You might pick up that sometimes they do refer back to times from long ago. You would not always know when they were talking about the past because you were not there.

Just be happy to remember the last six years together and talk about those times that you share. Display photos from the last six years so you can converse about your early days as a family.

Over the period of a few weeks, ask your husband's favourite ice cream flavour, favourite football team, favourite take away on a Friday night etc. If he can remember those types of things then he does recall things fromthe past. Perhaps he only rememebers when it is useful to do so. Many people don't make a habit of repeating stories about their childhood. For one, it is very boring for others.

Maybe he's in a witness protection programme and is sworn to secrecy? Not allowed to mention his past? ( watched too much tv- lol)

I also wondered about childhood abuse/ptsd.

My DH is very similar to this actually I've realised - he just doesn't share stuff. He doesn't have childhood trauma but it's more like it just doesn't occur to him that I'd be interested to hear things. For example we travelled 2 hrs to visit his mum and chatted on the drive there. He didn't mention she had had a scan for possible cancer the week before and that her beloved dog had been ill and nearly died. We turn up and I'm really embarrassed not to have a clue about anything which his mum assumes he'll have told me about! Same with visiting his dad and also meeting work colleagues - my DH just doesn't seem to get it's normal to share with me a bit about what's going on.

My DH recently got an autism diagnosis and I've worked out this is part of his autism! It's like there's no instinct for him to share things with me. He'll talk about factual stuff (what food he ate at a meal out when he met his dad) but not emotional stuff or other people's news (his dad's house sale falling through so they're no longer moving near us). It's weird and at times very lonely for me! Sympathies op sounds really tough for you no matter the cause.

I’ve got a good friend who says she has no recollection of her childhood.

However, she has no contact with her Dad or brother and a difficult relationship with her mum.

Very, very rarely she makes a comment that suggests childhood trauma but then darts away from the subject immediately. I think she has blocked a lot of bad memories out, consciously or subconsciously.

I'm the opposite in that I remember my childhood very vividly indeed, from when I was four years old; I can even recall certain conversations, and what people were wearing, if it was significant. However, I discovered that I am an outlier for this, and lots of people my age don't remember childhood much at all. At a 20-year school reunion, I remembered lots of things that nobody else did. My mum was very big on writing diaries, and tried to encourage me to do so, but I saw it as redundant, because I just remembered.

I think my partner remembers a lot, and keeps hold of a lot of stuff from childhood (toys, books, albums), but doesn't talk about it much. There is a troubled teenage history, and I think I don't know the full story of everything that happened.

I think some adults feel "glad to be grown up", and don't like to think about childhood; not necessarily because of trauma, but it's a part of their life that has been and gone.

Boys were sometimes brought up to not talk about feelings, to not seek any attention, to told to stop talking. They can get so used to it that they basically shut down. Does he have any siblings? Do they remember their childhood?

There are a lot of unqualified responses here suggesting trauma or abuse.

Unless your partner has said anything then you should accept that this is probably not the case.

We are all wired differently and that's just something that you will have to adjust to if you want to be together.

Photographs often jog memories which people would have likely forgotten about otherwise.

I am similar - very few memories until I was a late teenager. I’m also not sure how many memories I do have are second hand, either because they’ve been told in the family a lot or because I have seen photos. My knowledge of my husband’s childhood is similar to my knowledge of my own, and I didn’t meet him until I was 18.

I know that I did things - what school I went to, who my friends were, extra-curricular exams, that I went to certain places on holiday, that I was bridesmaid for both my uncle and then my aunt’s weddings. But I have little memory of the actual details.

My little sister has a fantastic memory of it all and will often talk about events that I just don’t know existed.

I am pretty sure I had a happy childhood. I feel secure and loved, I feel contented. It’s like the saying “They may not remember what you said, but they remember how they made you feel.”

However, if I think really hard now, the few details that I can access are all tinged with embarrassment - a few occasions where someone said something sharp, demeaning or racist to me. But also an episode of somebody else’s sadness. We did a musical in our primary school. The boy given the main role was removed from that part as he couldn’t remember it. I let him try my violin as he looked so sad. I remember knowing that he was suffering, and that I wanted to help him and be supportive, but I didn’t know how else to console him.

I think these maybe stick out because they were so unusual and jarring to me, as my needs were met right up the Maslow hierarchy.

Maybe I wasn’t very mindful, so the good things just washed over me in a blur of contentment.

I have no memories of childhood - at all.

I have no memories of primary school, my younger sibling’s births and childhoods, my grandmother (who died when I was nearly 4).

I also have no memories of moving home to thousands of kilometres away when I was 13 - to a new school, knowing no one.

I have no memories of senior school - albeit I have photos to show I went to formals, graduation, etc.

I have no memories of university, graduations, being diagnosed with rare medical conditions, surgeries, rehabilitation.

More recently, I have no memories of my wedding, my child’s birth, my DCs babyhood or early childhood. I can, however, drag forth some feeling around some photos or items - I call these my “memory keepers”, as they are the only link I can draw to my past.

It happens, and it is devastating…

Why do you assume he's hiding his childhood from you?

I have very few memories and this is really common for many of us who are neurodivergent. We remember feelings (which is how we know whether we had happy or unhappy childhoods) but absolutely none of the details.

I only got diagnosed as an adult and find it deeply unfair how people used to judge me against neurotypical standards as they assumed I was supposed to be like them, and I had no reason to suggest otherwise.

Turns out that I was always different and it was always okay.

Not everyone is like everyone else.

I think the fact that your MIL talks about the same 2 memories each time suggests that there was some sort of trauma/ unhappy childhood. Surely even if he didn’t remember anything she would speak about things.

As a survivor of childhood trauma I would like to point out that forgetting the trauma is something our brain does for protection. It is rarely a "choice" to forget, and outwith our control.

I'm wondering how you formed a relationship with him in the first place if he's such a closed book? No memories, no opinions on anything, no conversation about what he's been up to. How did you end up falling for him?

How is he as a parent as this is what will matter here. Is he loving to your child; respond to his needs etc -
Does your partner have any friends, does he work and can hold down a job.
Whats mother in law like? Can you ask her out of ear shot from him about him as a child - are you saying she quotes only two incidents from his childhood too?
Wheres the Dad? Maybe childhood trauma - if he doesn’t want to go there that’s fine - it’s his ability to parent and his ability to be a good partner to you is what I would be looking at. There are community run groups for parenting courses if it would help if needed.

Does he have aphantasia? I do, and my memory of things in my past is fairy crap. If someone reminds me of it I’ll very possibly remember.

https://www.bps.org.uk/research-digest/people-no-minds-eye-have-less-vivid-and-detailed-memories

It's very common for people to remember very little until memories are triggered by for example an old photograph or through seeing their own young child do X or Y.

I remember very little of my grandparents for example apart from the rocking chair at their house and one time my grandad showing me how to fish. And I loved them, they were wonderful and I spent every summer there till I was about 13! But it's just a general happy hazy impression.

Another one asking about siblings.
I have 3. All adults. The two girls constantly talk about their memories and it’s a family joke that the boy remembers NOTHING. If he didn’t have them constantly talking about stuff that happened he wouldn’t have any memories.

Their childhoods were full and happy to the best of my knowledge. I was there!
There were a couple of big trips when he was 7 and 10. South Africa and California. He has no recollection. Even when prompted with photographs. His twin sister remembers a lot.

I would say he is a bit differently wired. Very intelligent but not given to introspection. Black and white. Logical. Lives in the moment and doesn’t dwell. He is a lovely man with a happy relationship so don’t worry about yours.

Thank you! I do have quite a few memories of family holidays but outside of that , very few from school, school friends, weekends from primary til secondary school. I had a happy childhood, just don’t remember much.

I have childhood trauma and have no memories beyond a couple of things. They are almost images in my mind. I remember a plastic chair for example, a flower on a window, sitting in school a weird way but thst is it. I don’t remember birthday, Christmas, parties, days out, family meals, even day to day life memories. I just have none.

Of course it could be trauma related but I’m so glad there are people on here that have provided more ordinary reasons and similarities to themselves.
He may just be a private person or just has an unusual memory. I bet if you asked him a specific question about his childhood he would be able to recall it eg favourite teacher/friend/pet/family holiday but he might not have a swathe of anecdotes on instant recall.

Memories are funny things, I can remember loads about my childhood but have a really poor memory for faces and if you asked me to describe an incident that occurred 5 minutes ago eg a fight or a car accident, I’d get loads wrong.

The stuff about the photos the other night, maybe he was just tired when he got in and didn’t want to relay his day no matter how excited he had been. That’s a bit miserable on his part though because of course you want him to share stuff with you.

Maybe life was mundane for him. No fun, adventures or silliness to remember. I don’t remember much apart from getting told off all the time. We didn’t go on holiday or sit together and have nice chats or laugh. We existed in a nice house with a nice garden but I’ve got nothing to draw on from the past really.

With our kids we spend a lot of time chewing the fat in front of the fire and making music together. We all laugh at each other and ourselves and plan adventures together. You have to make memories.

Maybe life was just him existing when he was young unless his bedroom wall was covered in George Michael posters like the rest of us and he’s not sure how to tell you.

Shame on you. At this post proves, having no memories does happen and for a variety of reasons.

I’m always amazed when someone remembers all the teacher’s names from secondary school, and pupils for that matter haha

My DH has aphantasia so has no visual memories. He knows things happened because of anecdotes, like how you say your DH repeats your mum's memories, but he doesn't really remember things himself. Not even recent things, not in the way most people have memories they can go back to and think about. He's very forward focused as a result and used to think everyone was like this, so it doesn't bother him and it's nothing to do with trauma, it's just how his brain works.