My Partner Does not Remeber Childhood

[Peach0123]

Hi,

I am looking for some opinions on this situation and also some advice .

My partner and I have been together for 6 years, very happy and have 1DS. During the whole time we have been together he has never chatted about childhood, his teenage years, or now noticing any recent times.

Things come up whether watching TV, out with our DS or just in general conversation where I'll say " yeah I remember doing so amd so as a kid" or talking about teenage years, what posters were on my wall . What friends I had and how we drifted, you get where going with this. My partner has absolutely no memory of his years whatsoever. 2 memories, which are the exact same MIL talks of every single time and there's no space to ask questions there or would be first person I'd ask, he would have been about 5 then.

So there's no drip feed- I do feel he keeps alot to himself. A few months ago, went to an event and met really key people, had photos with them, he would have been buzzing with excitement. Came home and I had no idea until seeing his camera roll a few days ago he had photos with them. He told no one at all. This was a big deal for him but was brushed away like nothing.

I am so open with him and always have been, it feeling like opeing up whenever needed is not right.

I have tried to speak to him at various different times about things then felt better to stop getting nowhere to help.

stuck now, do I help. If so how?

AIBU to think 6 years I should be treated like a stranger.

While I don't totally agree with you, its what I've been thinking in order to post here.and ask for opinions x

I have very few memories of my childhood and my teenaged years are patchy. There are even bits as an adult that I can’t really recall. My granny died when I was 7. She was living with us for several years before she died yet I have no memory of her at all. I didn’t even realise this was strange until my younger sister (by 2.5 years) told me she remembered her well. My ddad died when I was 21. I can recall certain events or conversations we had but very few. I can’t picture him in my head at all. When I try I see him as he is in photos I have but not in real life. I was a real daddy’s girl and had a happy childhood. I have also made 5 return flights to various countries and yet I can recall hardly anything about the airports, boarding, being on the plane or landing.

I only discovered a few years ago that this is actually a “thing”. A couple on the adoption board were not being approved to adopt as the husband couldn’t recall a lot of things from his childhood and it was thought that he had suffered abuse and they wanted him to have therapy despite his insistence he had a very happy childhood. Other people posted saying that they had similar.

My childhood was horrific. I remember some of the horrors but very little else, which I think is deliberate. My brain stepped in to block a lot out.

I very much doubt that he did have a happy childhood.

I know someone who almost never talks about anything past even if he is reminded, he'll just shrug his shoulders. It's not that he forgot he tells me, it's just no longer important now it isn't happening. You couldn't get it out of him with an oyster knife.

This isn't that uncommon, quite a few people have very limited memories of their childhood.

My mind unfortunately went straight to childhood SA , hopefully this isn't the case but it's a definite real possibility.
You say "he says he had a good childhood" because that's what everyone's supposed to say, if you can't remember but it's supposed to be a certain way you just fill in the blanks and say ah yes that was it.
The problem is with trauma response, you physically cannot make yourself remember (without help) because your system is blocking those memories completely from your mind.

I do hope this is not the case and it's a simple case of bad memory ect , I do understand it must be frustrating for you to feel like you don't know much about your partner but maybe give it more time and exploration, I'd avoid trying to force the issue incase it is a situation like the above and you lock a whole load of memories and feelings that you aren't equipped to deal with.

Take Care xx

Does he have any friends, cousins, other family members? Getting together with them might start to unblock his memory. It's an increasing problem; when families grew up and stayed in the same area, they used to constantly talk together about their history and memories. Comparing memories led to shared and enhanced memories. They are important, because they shape who we are and strengthen bonds. Does he get anxious or annoyed when you ask him about his past? Hypnotherapy may help him if he's willing to give it a go.

Like pp I have virtually no memories of my childhood. My sister can remember absolutely everything from being about 18 months old. No trauma.. Normal childhood really.

I have very big gaps in my childhood memory, it's for the best, the ones I do have aren't something I'd wish on anyone.

I've been with my husband a lot longer than 6 years, and he'd never pressure me over it.

I don’t have memories of my childhood the things I think I remember are really just photos or stories I have been told. Grew up with siblings they remember things fine, no trauma had loving parents I just don’t seem to have that bit of a brain where memories are stored or if I do I can’t access them. Can’t remember really important things as an adult either no clear memories of my wedding day, the births of my children, big holidays Nope just don’t have the memories. Have spoken to my GP, I was concerned that something was wrong with me he said no if I’ve always been that way then it’s normal for me, and I’m not the only person like this and I’m no more likely to develop dementia that anyone else ( a big worry) my very long term DH is a great support to me and has a great memory. I would be very pissed off with him if he was accusing me of making it up that I didn’t remember things. Do you not think that people like me want to remember, all the lovely things and trips that my parents took us on my siblings told me about, don’t you think I would love to remember spending time with my grandad who died when I was 11. P P’s with all their ooh he must remember, he’s just lying need to shut up about things they know nothing about, reading their comments has really upset me. Would they tell someone who had physical health issues that they must be making it up, I would hope not, so why say it about someone with memory issues.

You seem to be putting a different slant on this with each post. It seems he is generally uncommunicative and doesn't share anything with you, childhood, young adult and present, doesn't generally chat. That's not the same as having no childhood memories. Perhaps he's just independent or introverted, perhaps his family never chatted and he didn't learn how to, perhaps he finds stories about the past dull, perhaps he thinks no one's interested in what he has to say. I'm not very chatty, my partner tells long monologues about the past and daily life with no notice of when ive switched off. You seem to be wanting to find something to worry about in his past for some reason.

Is there photos of him in his childhood and as a teenager ?

Has he got much family?
Could he / they be in witness protection / new identity or something like that

A few months ago, went to an event and met really key people, had photos with them ...

He's not in witness protection or on the run!

He can remember , he doesn’t want to share. Otherwise how can he say he had a happy childhood - I mean he wouldn’t know would he if he can recall it ?
it’s like the recent big event he didn’t share. He just didn’t say anything and held it back. This kind of partner would worry me, and I would always feel like I didn’t know him.

I don't why it has to be a problem, I would home no one has a bad childhood but people should be free to think or remember things in their own way

I think that happy childhoods are uneventful. Everything rolls along, normally and unremarkably. If it’s always warm, you don’t remark on warmth, or note it. It’s just how things are.

At least, that’s my experience.

No memory? Selective?
Regardless. Sounds like "he" restrict.only thing true love will do= roll wi it.never 4 nuthin

I remember bits from young childhood
very little from the years where I was sexually abused
I didn't recall the sexual abuse until I was in my 30s
Occasionally odd memories occur - but generally it's a period I don't remember a lot about.

Maybe he has been given a new identity by the police and wants to forget the past eg.James Bulgers murderers

I have almost no childhood memories (I say almost because I'm almost certain the memories I do have are from photographs). I'm almost certain there's no trauma. I've done EDMR and nothing came up but I would urge caution accusing him or not letting you in.

His memories, or non memories, belong to him. Do you understand? They are not yours. Keep your curiosity out of his head. My DH is similar. He is just a laid back kind of person who lives in the now. That is who he wants to and where he wants to be. You can't demand to go poking around in someone else's psyche for your own reasons. Being your partner does not change this. If he has historic trauma, or not, is not your right to have access to out of curiosity.

I can tell you this. If my partner kept poking at old memories, I'd fucking dump them.

Has he no siblings? Any pets?
I remember snippets.

Is this a deal breaker for you? It's allowed to be.

I have a friend that has no memories until age 12 and then only significant events like a birthday party and broken arm. On the other hand, I remember so much including being in the pram and lying in my cot. I'm quite an observant introspective person so I wonder if I just absorb more unnecessary info than other people. Weirdly, I can't remember my younger brother ever wearing a school uniform although I know he must have. We have no photos of him in his uniform. I was convinced that maybe his school didn't have a uniform back then but when I looked it up they did, its just not something I can remember. Memory works in weird ways.