Not even a card!!

[Abitmiffed1]

I recently got married and we had a gorgeous day with friends and family. My sister was matron of honour and her children were page boys. We didn’t ask for gifts as we are a bit older and have everything we need, however most of our guests were very generous and gave us cards/gifts/money etc. Everyone that is apart from my own sister - I was shocked to find that we didn’t even have a card from her and her family. My sister can be quite selfish at times and thinks the world revolves around her, however I feel this is another level - who doesn’t get their own sister a card on their wedding day? Every single other guest - even our evening guests came with a card. I thought maybe something had got lost so I messaged to ask her but she gave me some rubbish excuse about how she had accidentally taken it home with her and she would post it to us the next day - it has still not arrived. AIBU to be upset by this?

I wouldn't be too upset about the card.

But I expect there is much else that bothers you about your sister.

did it cost her a lot of money to attend ?

'Thank you for taking part in my wedding, sister and nephews!'

Was she a good maid of honour? Did her sons dutifully perform their roles? Who paid for their outfits and all of the costs associated with your wedding?

... Did you thank her?

No - literally petrol money. Accommodation paid for. Dress, hair, makeup paid for. I bought her a gift also as a thank you.

Did you get her a card thanking her for being your matron of honour and her kids your page boys?

I mean, they turned up and presumably wished you well on the day. A card is just a bit of paper.

Yes they did. I paid for outfits, hair, makeup etc and bought her a gift as a thank you. Accommodation was also paid for.

Of course that is unreasonable of your sister. It's thoughtless and bad manners to attend a wedding empty handed.

But Mumsnet is some weird corner of the world where 'you aren't entitled to anything and expecting anything from anyone is grabby'

Fair enough. A card certainly would have been nice from your sister, and it's rude that she couldn't be arsed to pop one on the table. But you already know what she's like, so why focus on this element of your big day? Sure, you can bring it up again, but if she's as selfish and self-centred as you say she is, what is it going to achieve?

You're not being unreasonable op, she should've at least got you a personal gift if not a proper wedding gift 🥺

I don't know how you move forward though - and I suspect there are other issues between you

Would you accept her buying you a make up gift with an apology? x

@Magnastorm
"I mean, they turned up and presumably wished you well on the day. A card is just a bit of paper."

You could say that about any thoughtful gesture though. A bunch of flowers is just some foliage, a bottle of wine is just a load of pressed grapes! I mean, we all like to be appreciated sometimes or have special milestones acknowledged. It's the same in every culture worldwide. An actual gift or card (rather than just saying thanks or congratulations) is sometimes very appropriate and can be kept as a mememto. I've found comfort looking at cards I've received over the years, especially if they have a personal message inside.

So she's thoughtless and a liar.

This is the thing I wouldn’t say there are normally any issues between us apart from the fact that she can be quite self centred (forgets birthdays etc) and I usually accept that is just how she is. This has upset me though as it shows a complete lack of thought.

Okay before I read your update I was going to gently point out that some people genuinely don't know they 'should' get people cards or presents for weddings. Some people know they 'should' get cards or presents, but are under the impression if you are in the wedding party you don't need to, as after all they are doing extra above a regular guest.
Another thing is, getting someone a card is a tradition - but it's not a tradition to everyone, and we are not all aware of everyone else's traditions, nor are we actually obliged to follow those traditions. If you think about it objectively, at some point long ago, someone completely unrelated to any of us, decided it would be nice to get people a card for a wedding. This then turned into a practice, a tradition, an expectation. Except that person's got nothing to do with me or you, so we don't actually have an obligation to follow it. It's nice if we follow traditions, but assuming someone who isn't following a tradition is inherently rude or thoughtless is, if you think about it, not very logical!
Just a musing really - sounds like there are other problems with your sister.

Thank you - she definitely knows that it is polite to bring a card to a wedding. She is married and I gave her a card with money in for her wedding.

@Foxblue

"Another thing is, getting someone a card is a tradition - but it's not a tradition to everyone, and we are not all aware of everyone else's traditions, nor are we actually obliged to follow those traditions."

I imagine that the sister in this case is British born and bred and is also, obviously, a fully grown adult. She would be perfectly aware of the most mainstream traditions unless she's been locked up most of her life. She may not be aware of other culture's traditions, or really niche and obscure UK ones (like Cornish hurling or wife carrying for example), but buying a congratulatory card for a wedding does not fall into any of these "out there" categories. I've never been to a wedding where guests have been scratching their heads in bemusement about buying a card, or a gift, whilst saying "what is this strange tradition that they speak of".

I am British born and bred and I didn't know you were meant to take cards or presents to a wedding until my mother asked me what present I was taking to my friends wedding. I then also had no idea that people expected you to still bring a gift if you were in the wedding party. Clearly I hadn't paid attention to weddings on TV or in film up until that point, but other than that - I'm not sure how I would have learnt this information if someone didn't tell me! My parents didn't go to any weddings when I was a teen who might have paid attention to the fact they were taking a gift! I have met other people.like this too - you don't know what you don't know, after all!

I would presume the amount of time invested by her whole family in the prep for your wedding would be worth far more than a card

I can’t believe you messaged her to ask where your card was! 🤦‍♀️

It was carefully worded as cards were left on the table with money in and I was genuinely concerned that a card may have gone missing - considering they were quite literally the only people to not give a card out of every person to attend the wedding.

They turned up on the day the same as all of the other guests - all of whom managed to come with a card. Only they had outfits, makeup, hair and accommodation paid for. Maybe it’s just me but I would never in a million years turn up to a wedding without a card/gift - let alone my own sisters 🤷‍♀️

My brother in law was my husband's best man. Didn't give us a card or a gift, he's generally not good for gifts although he does usually bring the kids home something small when he's been traveling. Really didn't phase me at all, he was there on the day and we all had a great time. I would have been mortified to message him and ask why he didn't give us a card but like I said, it really wasn't an issue for us at all.

Why would you expect a card? She was there and part of it all.

Thank you! Yes I’m getting that! I wonder if I’d have worded it differently and asked “do you consider it rude to attend a wedding without a card or gift?” whether I would have had a different response?! I’ve literally seen posts where people are saying it is rude to not cover the value of your plate at weddings yet I’m grabby for being upset that my sister didn’t buy me a card - bizarre!

Bit shocked you asked her where here card is !
maybe she genuinely took it home she was busy and had kids after all
it may not be her top priority to post it to you fast, just a card