Not even a card!!

[Abitmiffed1]

I recently got married and we had a gorgeous day with friends and family. My sister was matron of honour and her children were page boys. We didn’t ask for gifts as we are a bit older and have everything we need, however most of our guests were very generous and gave us cards/gifts/money etc. Everyone that is apart from my own sister - I was shocked to find that we didn’t even have a card from her and her family. My sister can be quite selfish at times and thinks the world revolves around her, however I feel this is another level - who doesn’t get their own sister a card on their wedding day? Every single other guest - even our evening guests came with a card. I thought maybe something had got lost so I messaged to ask her but she gave me some rubbish excuse about how she had accidentally taken it home with her and she would post it to us the next day - it has still not arrived. AIBU to be upset by this?

We got married in Greece, less than 30 people altogether (immediate family and a few close friends) and everyone basically made the trip into their summer holiday. Given the costs involved, we told everyone not to get us any gifts. Many did anyway, ranging from personalised champagne flutes to monetary gifts of a few hundred pounds. One of my DB didn’t get us a card nor a present, whilst the other did both. One of my BILs gave a card and gift, the other also gave neither.

Would it have been nice to have had a card from my brother and brother in law as a keepsake from the day? Well, yes probably (I have actually kept all of the cards we received as it’s nice to read through them occasionally - some of the messages were really lovely). But in the grand scheme of things it’s insignificant. It hasn’t changed my relationship with either of them and ultimately I’m just grateful that they went to the time, effort and expense to be a part of our special day (and the hen/stag dos in the lead up), which is far more important and meaningful to me.

She's your sister, why do you need a card from her? What difference would it make in your life for receiving a card? Sounds like you want some control here.
She was MOh, her kids were part of your wedding and you're scrounging around for a card? That sounds really petty on your part.

This, op is being pathetic about a silly card when her sister was right there being a huge part of the day. In my culture we give little gifts to the guests for attending as a gesture of thanks and appreciation.
Op sounds like she wants to control her sister.

I would have to ask her op.

‘Sister, we have just enjoyed reading through our cards and I am just checking whether you gave a card or gift to us? As I haven’t seen one and I am worried it has been lost’

It is possible it is lost. It is possible she xent something that didn’t turn up, but if she didn’t send anything at all - not even a card that needs to be flushed out op. And discussed. You could be honest that it has hurt your feelings.

In our culture it is absolutely standard to bring a card and gift for the happy couple. Quite unthinkable not to do so.

Crikey I only had a small wedding of less than 20 and I don’t know if I got a card off everyone, really wasn’t something I thought to check

Totally agree here. I wouldn’t expect anything from the matron of honour. Showing up and supporting me would be gift enough.

My wedding was only us and 2 witnesses (and a foetus... cough) . The party we did a few weeks later, was our celebration for friends and family (where we also announced 4 months pregnant (alteady told parents and close family)). We paid for it all, we housed people in our houses. We refused presents or gifts. We just said if you want particular drinks then bring your own. So much better than making expectations on people. Low key everyone enjoyed themselves, my advice to all is never expect, nor set high goals for a wedding.

It is normal to give a gift usually accompanied by a card.

The op has been very generous from the sounds of things.

A small token like a card to wish someone well is a lovely gesture and also a standard gesture

Perhaps the op intended to keep all the cards.

However, if your sister is often thoughtless like this, op, then I would simply reign in any spending on her. Sounds like you've spent a lot already.

How is your relationship normally??

YANBU! I can't believe how many people are against you on this. You're asking, in essence, if we would also feel aggrieved not to get a card. I would. I'd be mildly annoyed and would definitely grumble to other friends and family about it. I'm clearly not as grown up as all the other Mumsnetters who are above such petty trifles. After my wedding, we matched up a list of attendees with a list of gifts. There was one gift with no name so we didn't know who to thank. I had no card or anything from my best man so I thought it was from him. Very awkward when he had to say it wasn't, and he hadn't given anything, even a card! It's the absence of a card that gets me. Even my friend who was really struggling financially at the time brought a card his children had made. Very sweet! Some people, I think, are just more literal minded and less bothered. They say things like, "they know I love them; why do they need a card?" My sister never gets my dad a birthday card because of this logic. She thinks he doesn't care about cards. And she's right, he doesn't literally care about cards, but he does care that the only name missing from the mantelpiece is hers.

How old is your sister in relation to you?

I’ve never heard anyone say they would have been happy with a card whom I believed would, in fact, have been happy with a card.

I can’t belive you messaged to ask! How rude.

Genuinely some people just don’t think! I’ve noticed through the years, I give cards and presents when i think appropriate, I don’t expect back but there are times when it would’ve in my mind been appropriate, but some people just aren’t like that at all unfortunately. Funny thing is, some of them get upset if it’s done to them! Some don’t, which is fair enough and they also don’t expect. I guess everyone’s different.

I can't believe some of these responses! Of course you're upset your sister didn't get you a card, especially after paying for everything. You're also entitled to be upset. Never have I been to a wedding where I didn't bring a card or a present, it's bad manners. She sounds jealous.

I would stop sending her presents and cards for her birthday as of today. Stop being a doormat op.

OK so none of my close friends had traditional weddings (either not married or eloped / had tiny registry office after being together years and had kids), my parents didn’t, my cousins didn’t. I don’t know a single person that had adult bridesmaids etc. And I didn’t know you had to take a card with you! I thought you sent the card afterwards like congratulations and thank you for having me? Also if they have a wedding list at John Lewis and you bought a present off that does that count as turning up empty handed? Should I have been getting people a second present?

Im really quite shocked your sister hasn't given you at least a card. I'm also quite surprised that some think that is perfectly reasonable. It's not "just a card" either. It's an acknowledgement of a v special occasion to be cherished.

I'd be really hurt and upset You actually saved the family quite a lot of money too......they didn't need to buy special outfits, pay for food, hair, makeup or accommodation.

I'd try my best to put it behind you and don't let it sour what otherwise sounds like a lovely wedding day x

I think it’s time to start being ‘forgetful’ on her birthday and at Christmas. I had to have a ‘forgetful’ year regarding my DH’s birthday and other occasions, he was absolutely shocked but it did the trick.

I don’t give cards for any occasion and I don’t like receiving them. I see them as a waste of money and an additional chore for the future when you have to get rid of them. Especially the ones that have pre printed messages in them.

does your sister normally do cards?

Did she contribute to your happiness on your wedding day? Did she help make things go smoothly? Does she love you, do you love her? If so, try to put it behind you. Honestly, there are worse things.

I get it and it does make you wonder if it was intentional. I have a box with my wedding cards in and when we moved recently I went through them and loved all the messages. It was only when I got to the end I realised we didn't receive one from my parents. I've always felt they've never liked my husband or approved of our relationship and this cemented that for me.

So your sister was matron of honour (ie gave up her day for you), and you're sufficiently angry that she didn't also give you a card that you've contacted her about it and written about this heinous oversight on the internet?

I've recently married and said no gifts, I meant it and was most embarrassed that some did give us gifts. However my brother didn't give me a card and I really don't mind, whole lot will end up in recycling soon anyway. Honestly, you said no gifts so why now complain!

Thank you - this is exactly it. It’s not the card itself - it is the meaning behind it. Posters saying I’m being grabby/scrounging for a card or clearly wanting money are talking nonsense. I think it boils down to the fact that what I have done for her in the past is not reciprocated and it is upsetting.

Well no, it is being grabby. Why on earth would you expect your sister who more than acknowledged your day, to go write a card. She will be in your wedding photos and videos, i don't really know why you need more than that.