To not like spending time with my kids?

[Kizzy192]

DH has not said it outright, but he judges me for not enjoying my days at home with the kids. I work 3 days, 1 day with the baby (1y), 1 day with both kids (3.5y and 1y) and then the weekend.

He says he is "worried" about me and my relationship esp with our toddler, because all I do is see the negative of my day with both kids. Maybe I am too negative, but this age just feels relentless.

He works full time and although says he'd love more time with the kids, he struggles even on the weekends when I leave him for a couple of hours. There's no way he'd be bouncing downstairs to spend the day with both of them and a 8m puppy.

I absolutely love my kids, but AIBU to think these young years are definitely more survive than thrive? Baby still doesnt sleep on her own or through the night, so i'm really tired. He's indirectly made me feel like a bad mum by not throwing myself into soft play, crafting, baking, the park, you know the stuff. Yet he doesn't do any of it - even weekends!

Of course, to the kids i'm all smiles and we will do at least one 'activity' on our days together. Don't know what I want from this really. To vent, and hopefully have some comradery.

He’s being a dick, and a hypocrite.

Camaraderie right here!

What does he say when you point this out to him?

Oh my god you have a puppy too?! You must be wrecked!!! Yes yanbu although do both of try to eg play games etc with 3.5 yo, so they don’t think of you both as just being wrecked by them?

Let him work part time and go back FT yourself. Let him see how mind numbingly boring it is and appreciate the thankless task.

What on earth made you get the puppy? Was it driven by your DH who claimed he'd do it all?

I enjoyed going to work when my kids were small, for the rest! You definitely have to hang in there, it's HARD not enjoyable all the time when they are little, especially with little sleep. Get hubby to pick up the slack - walk dog, clean up after dinner, let you have a nice bath and lie in in weekends.

He's in denial. He's the sort that cooks dinner 25% of the time, but leaves such a mess it's more work for me in the long run. Then gets pissy when I bring it up: "I was going to tidy up" etc. He's been babied, mine and his mothers fault.

I've been spending quite a lot of time with my 3.5y old niece and relentless is a good description for it. Also strong-willed. I've enjoyed the time a lot, but trying to get things done at the same time, like meal prep, is a big challenge.

It is a lot of work, and it does feel like there isn't a spare moment, ever, for anything, and I've never even spent a huge long length of time in one go responsible for her.

With my own daughter I found the years 5-10 much more rewarding. She was able to do lots more for herself, and didn't demand constant attention, but still had the youthful energy and exuberance that made doing things together so much fun.

It will get easier.

Thank you! I am exhausted. It's the best bit about DH, him and toddler do play together a lot. I'm personally not worried, if anything toddler gets too much 121 play.

I knew your DC would be this age! It's so hard, and I definitely found it more survive than thrive! They're 11 & 13 now and I actually do love spending time with them now, I absolutely get it.

I wish I could, I think he would be up for it too (initially - before reality kicked in!) but I make 1/4 of what he does - we wouldn't survive. Mind numbing is right, I feel like my brain isn't working on those days!

He would change his tune soon enough if he was at home with them for several days a week. It can be incredibly boring.

Got it in one. And to be honest, he does do the walking unless I say I want to do it, we also have a dog walker to cover the days I've got the kids. But it's her general presence that is stressful - she's a bigger breed.

What made you throw a puppy into the mix?

Thank you so much. I'm starting to feel it getting easier with the toddler, another few years for the baby yet. I was feeling OK about where we were at before he brought up his "concerns" 🙄

Thank you so much. The thought of them being that age one day is a dream!! Sure it's still hard, but I just want a night of sleep!

Madness. We had our house broken into by a druggy when I was alone with both the kids. We don't even live in a 'dodgy' area. But the dog was a) wanted by DH and b) a safety thing from my perspective.

Thank you so much for all your replies. It's really made me feel so much better!

YANBU at all. I dreaded my 1 day a week with both kids solo at those ages.

You need Saturday mornings off. DH is in charge from 6am to lunchtime.

Our DCs are that age exactly and it's tough with both of them. The 1yo wants to join in with the 3yo but he just destroys everything (obviously). The 3yo wants to play with me and gets angry that I can't dedicate my time to him 100% as I need to look after the 1yo too. I wouldn't say I hate having them together but my expectations of a day with both of them are pretty low and i'd be targeting 'getting away with it' rather than having a wonderful time. Tell your DH to keep his concerns to himself unless he wants to actually do something constructive to help.

Do people do this? I would feel guilt at leaving him with all of them - the exact scenario I dislike doing myself. I'm not sure where the line is of expectation anymore. I have had a lie in a couple of times in the past year, and it ended up in (pathetic) DH having to go take some time to himself for an hour or two in the afternoon. I don't get the benefit. I did raise that and we got into an argument.

It's so tough isn't it!! Sounds like you are doing a super job though, well done 👏...low expectations is exactly right, and I was OK with that and thought I was doing alright just marching on, until he brought up his "concerns"

You definitely need to go out for an entire Saturday once a month.

I mean, you need DH to show you how it's done.

Only if he won't just take them to his mum's though!

Alternatively, churches often run dad and baby groups on a Saturday.

DH and I have our differences but we're not into criticising each other for the quality of completion of things we'd rather not do...that would be short sighted 😂

It's normal. I have 2 small ones. I was fine for 6m but, when they were both mobile, I didn't enjoy it. Your attention is constantly divided and you can't do it justice. I went back to work when they little one was 1y because I needed the break. I still had one day with both of them and I dreaded that day.

Your DH needs to step us as well. He should be doing 50% of childcare when he's not working and he needs to experience having both kids for a sustained period of time.

My younger one is 2 (older one nearly 4) and we're only now in the space where one parent will take both kids somewhere on weekends. Previously we went as a family or one parent would take just one child because managing 2 by yourself was stressful. None of the grandparents want both of them because they know from experience that 2 kids is too much work and not enjoyable like 1 is!

I’ve only recently started to enjoy spending solo time with my kids, who are 6, almost 7. I rarely do it as I work full time and both DH and I are off at the weekend. I’d struggle to have them solo regularly even now – they are an awful lot of energy, drama, squabbling and general haphazardness.