To not like spending time with my kids?

[Kizzy192]

DH has not said it outright, but he judges me for not enjoying my days at home with the kids. I work 3 days, 1 day with the baby (1y), 1 day with both kids (3.5y and 1y) and then the weekend.

He says he is "worried" about me and my relationship esp with our toddler, because all I do is see the negative of my day with both kids. Maybe I am too negative, but this age just feels relentless.

He works full time and although says he'd love more time with the kids, he struggles even on the weekends when I leave him for a couple of hours. There's no way he'd be bouncing downstairs to spend the day with both of them and a 8m puppy.

I absolutely love my kids, but AIBU to think these young years are definitely more survive than thrive? Baby still doesnt sleep on her own or through the night, so i'm really tired. He's indirectly made me feel like a bad mum by not throwing myself into soft play, crafting, baking, the park, you know the stuff. Yet he doesn't do any of it - even weekends!

Of course, to the kids i'm all smiles and we will do at least one 'activity' on our days together. Don't know what I want from this really. To vent, and hopefully have some comradery.

That made me smile, thank you! ...we are in that rabbit hole of who gets more sleep, who works harder, etc. I do need to get out and leave him to it... definitely my own reluctance to come back to chaos and have to deal with it all myself the next day so he can 'recover' 🙄

It can often feel like there's a lot of pressure to love every part of parenthood but it's not realistic (imo). I love my children and I am glad I have them; I don't feel the need to treasure every moment, some of it is just a bit shit! However, like lots of things in life you take the rough with the smooth. Don't let him make you feel bad, it's ok not to love every moment.

In answer to your post about 'taking time off' I would pursue this even if it's counter productive in the short term. He needs to be able to look after them both too.

I've been a total mug haven't I. Most weekends I will take both the kids out somewhere on my own, maybe just the supermarket or to my mums, but he never does that. God I feel like I've dug my own grave!! Thank you for sharing your experience, it's so useful to know how others do things / feel.

Thank you so much for your response. I think he's knocked my confidence in myself.

Do people do this? I would feel guilt at leaving him with all of them - the exact scenario I dislike doing myself. I'm not sure where the line is of expectation anymore. I have had a lie in a couple of times in the past year, and it ended up in (pathetic) DH having to go take some time to himself for an hour or two in the afternoon. I don't get the benefit. I did raise that and we got into an argument.

Remember when you said you babied him...

Since he is concerned, pretend to consider this. Then suggest the following, "DH you were right, I am stressed and not as appreciative of the time with the children as I should be. I think it's the relentlessness of it, and the tiredness. My plan is this; in order to deal with the tiredness, we share the lies in on the weekend. You can pick a day. I also need to start taking care of myself so I think the gym/classes/hobby one evening a week and one weekend morning (the one without the lie in) will work. You'll get more time 1:1 which is lovely, and I'll get the chance to miss them and work on myself. Let's get some childcare as well so we can go out on dates."

Be super peppy and Mary Poppinsesque. Suggest it like it's his idea. Be really light and enthusiastic. And when he raises concerns because he's a lazy hypocrite be disingenuous and solution focused. "Oh DH, I assumed you'd be all over this idea. What's your solution?"

Do people do this? I would feel guilt at leaving him with all of them

If you are doing most of the night wakings then you absolutely should get a lie in without your DH having some sort of tit for tat couple of hours to himself in the afternoon.

If he’s doing equal night wakings then more fair for each of you to have a lie in at the weekend, one Sat one Sun. But I’d be very surprised if he is.

BTW when I did all the night wakings, BFing, DH did all the mornings. AND once I stopped BFing, he did all the night wakings (there were fewer) to make up.

Wow, it sounds exhausting! YADNBU to be tired by it and not springing out of bed to do a range of creative crafts and activities. I work the same amount as you and it's hard work with 2 especially when one is tiny (and I have a big age gap so some things are easier in that the older one can entertain the younger a bit).

I think I'd be pointing out that he does actually find it quite stressful on the rare occasions that he has the 2 of them and puppy alone (just for a couple of hours so not even multiple meals to make/feed/clean up) and it really isn't any different for you... Then wait and see if he has an explanation as to why it should magically be a fun easy task for you to look after them but a stressful one for him...

Bonus points for suggesting that a full day for you to do whatever you wish child-free every couple of weeks or every month would help how you feel about things (and it should give him an indication of what your life is actually like). I don't think it's enough for him to just have a couple of hours. As he "says" he'd love more time with the kids, he should be jumping at the chance for a full day of quality time!

I love every word of this! ...and the sad bit is, it'll work. Thank you for taking the time to write that out, it hadn't occurred to me to take this avenue.

I love both my kids but I found being at home FAR harder than being at work. Lots of positive moments but also lots of surviving long, exhausting days.

Bit rich really when he can’t manage the two of them for a few hours without needing a lie down 😂

Don’t allow double standards to take hold in your relationship. He is just as capable of looking after the children as you, don’t let him cop out when he’s not working. At the weekend it’s 50/50 so you have them together as a family or you broadly make it fair in terms of having time to yourselves. Good luck 😉

No I cosleep in separate room with baby and bf through the night, he's pushing to get her in a cot in own room but I'm the one that will end up doing the night wakings in that scenario too since she won't take a bottle and is very small (still in 0-3m clothes at 1y) so dr reluctant for us to stop bf through night. He will wake up to puppy (rarely needed, once a month ish) and toddler 50% of the time (again, maybe once every couple of weeks)

Op please please do this. My kids are 10 and 13 and I'm only doing this now. I wish I'd looked after myself too instead of babying my husband as I ended up quite resentful for a time. Itll not only be good for you but your marriage

Also, you're at the hardest ages in my opinion. It's so full on and relentless but you'll get there. Work was rest time lol

It's his own bloody fault! Stop blaming women for the failures of men! Normal adults don't let themselves be babied.

And the pair of you were completely ridiculous to get a puppy when you had a baby and a toddler as well.

All you've said is totally correct! I just need to get over the fact it's going to be harder in the short term! Coming back to total chaos and a grumpy, tired DH.

Book yourself a weekend away.

Tell your DH that you're worried he isn't getting enough 'quality' time with his DC and you are going to give him the opportunity to have a lovely weekend entirely alone with them. Point out that he's repeatedly made it clear that he would LOVE more time with them and that it would fill him with joy'.

Oh - and tell him you expect the house to look the way it did when you left. He's not to spend the weekend in a shit pit and then expect you to clean up on your return.

Report back @Kizzy192

Please don't be in the same place, under appreciated and him acting like your manager, in 10 years!

Fucking hell, pathetic is the right word.

Please try and shelve the guilt, it sounds like you're doing an amazing job and it's actually the best thing for your marriage and therefore the DC to make things a bit more even. You have them 3 or 4 days a week by yourself and you're bfing a baby through the night. I coslept and BF'd my DS during the night till 20 m so I get how draining and exhausting that is and he was the only one I had at that time. You're an absolute hero but your DH does need to step up during this tough period of 2 tiny ones (well, forever really but take it a step at a time!). I'd grey rock/mary poppins through your DH's grumping - just sort of ignore it and get on with things. It'll also help his relationship with the Dc.

How are you not absolutely raging. You work three days per week and do all the childcare. He works five days. And he's mithering you about not enjoying it! Does he have no capacity for self-reflection? I guess he wants you to pretend to enjoy it so he doesn't look bad doing f all.

Mum to a 20 month old and nearly 4 year old here. I often feel the same, some days are just exhausting having to keep the peace and entertain all day and sometimes I just want a day off to myself. We do much better when we’re out of the house, we have a farm nearby that does a toddler group a few times per week so we go there so someone else is entertaining them for an hour whilst I just supervise them then we wander round the farm which kills another hour and if I’m feeling brave we’ll get lunch there too. Soft play can be an easy win, 3 year old will mostly go off on his own whilst me and 20 months just follow him around. On days when I really just want some me time we go to a local wildlife park with the double pram, both are generally happy to just sit and look at the animals for the first part of the park so I can usually get 30 minutes of quiet before we get to one of the parks or somewhere 3 year old will want to get out of the pram. It is just survival! I keep saying maybe it will be easier next summer when they’re 4.5 and nearly 2.5!

Yep, this with bells on. Equal time on / off outside working hours is the only fair way forward.

It’s absolutely about getting through the day at this age. Mine are 11 and 14 and I love hanging out with them now, which is a startling revelation after the hell of the early years 😂

Or just go back FT anyway. Forget what he thinks

Oh take no notice of him OP. Doing hard graft with small children, the total lack of autonomy and relentlessness of meeting their needs and doing their (often tedious!) activities does not need to be enjoyable to be done and for you to love them. He sounds both naive and overly sure of his own opinion to be stroking his chin in 'concern' about a mother who gets tired and isn't jumping through hoops at the toughest stage of parenthood. You're doing fine because you're doing it. No need for concern. Other than for you, to ensure you at least get some rest (while they're in his enthusiastic care perhaps).