To not like spending time with my kids?

[Kizzy192]

DH has not said it outright, but he judges me for not enjoying my days at home with the kids. I work 3 days, 1 day with the baby (1y), 1 day with both kids (3.5y and 1y) and then the weekend.

He says he is "worried" about me and my relationship esp with our toddler, because all I do is see the negative of my day with both kids. Maybe I am too negative, but this age just feels relentless.

He works full time and although says he'd love more time with the kids, he struggles even on the weekends when I leave him for a couple of hours. There's no way he'd be bouncing downstairs to spend the day with both of them and a 8m puppy.

I absolutely love my kids, but AIBU to think these young years are definitely more survive than thrive? Baby still doesnt sleep on her own or through the night, so i'm really tired. He's indirectly made me feel like a bad mum by not throwing myself into soft play, crafting, baking, the park, you know the stuff. Yet he doesn't do any of it - even weekends!

Of course, to the kids i'm all smiles and we will do at least one 'activity' on our days together. Don't know what I want from this really. To vent, and hopefully have some comradery.

Ah, plan your strategic days off for the days before he goes back to work, then he can do all his "recovering" there 😉

Just tell him you want to swap so that you work full time and he has 2 days off with the kids, seeing as he has such a good relationship with them. That will shut him up! This stage is awful, YANBU!

It will definitely feel easier when the 1 year old sleeps better. It's definitely you being sleep deprived that is making it so hard. I know this because I have a soon to be 4 year old and I don't feel that way. But I 100% did when he was 1 and I still wasn't sleeping and I'd already had a whole year of that.

He says he is "worried" about me and my relationship esp with our toddler, because all I do is see the negative of my day with both kids. Maybe I am too negative, but this age just feels relentless

This is good old fashioned gaslighting - he is 'worried' about your bond with your DC so that he can insinuate that you need to spend more and more bonding time with them (preferably while he is off doing something else) so he doesn't ever have to do any actual childcare.

Go out on Saturday at the same time he goes to work. Come back at the same time he comes home. Ask him if he enjoyed the day and criticise the lack of activities. In other words, why would you feel guilty about treating him in exactly the same way that he treats you? He has to look after them more as it's the only way to learn what it's like for you.

OP you are not alone. I too used to spend all day with a baby, and then another day with a baby and a toddler, plus working 3 days.
Now the toddler goes to school, I work 4 days and 1 year old goes to nursery 4 days, so I have 1 day with the 1 year old and just weekends and holidays with my 4 year old.

THIS, is so much better, so hang in there. Will your toddler start school next year? If so you're on the home run.

As for your husband, I think he probably deep down does understand where you're coming from but in reality he's feeling helpless. He should try and support you more by allowing you to moan. It's totally normal to find it hard, it's bloody hard work!!

No I cosleep in separate room with baby and bf through the night

This is still doing the night wakings!

Be unwell. I mean this weekend, find you are really really unwell and need to spend the entire day/weekend in bed.

See how he copes. Make sure you request that he cleans the kitchen properly at the end and doesn't leave it. If he does leave it then go to work on Monday and leave the mess. If he mentions it just say you left it for him as he always says he was going to 'do it later' so you didn't want to nag 😑

If he still complains then tell him to shut the fuck up next time you are not bouncing with joy at looking after your kids

If he says he can't clean up as he needs to recover then ask him how the fuck you manage to do it then and that he needs to accept that frankly he's a bit pathetic and you are much better than him. So if he dare utter a word of complaint again you'll just remind him how he can't cope without time to recover.

Fuck people like your DH piss me off. The overt hypocrisy. You need to throw it in his face

Sorry but the dog is not going to provide any security unless you can dedicate time to training it which it sounds like you can't. Sounds like it will actually present more of a hazard with your kids the ages they are.

I think your DH needs a wake up call - can you book some weekends away? You need a break and he needs some perspective of how relentless it is to be in charge of the children for days at a time.

I was a single parent when mine was 3.5. Dad didn't have him overnight for 6 weeks once! I was working 4 days and had a dog. When I lost it his dad said ' are you sure you're doing enough with him?' How I am not in prison for murder god only knows.
Your husband is a pisstake

why dont you work fulltime and he spens 2 days with the children?

...and i dont mean this facetiously- If your DH genuinely wants to spend more time with them and you hate it. Oh, and dont kid yourself thechildren dont pick up on your hating being with them!

Your children are very young and at very demanding ages. It's bloody hard with kids that age and not enjoying every second does not make you a bad mother.

I only have one and when he was 18 months to 2.5 years, I felt similar. I loved him, of course, but he was so, so full on and demanding. It was utterly exhausting!

It does get easier- once he reached 3+, life got much easier. He's 10 now and an absolute dream.

You definitely need some time alone at some point.

1. Ditch the puppy
2. Look at your thread title ... maybe your OH is right to be concerned.
3. Reframe your attitude to the children. They are hard work, it is full on, but you can choose to find ways of making time with them productive, of seeing the positives, of valuing the parenting role.

I'm the same. I love my kids but spending all day with them at this age is mindnumbingly dull. Why mine go to nursery 5 days a week.

Why worry about it if your DP pretty much refuses to spend any time looking after them himself?

jeez OP ! You are doing very well. I would murder DH for his ‘concerns’, coming from someone doing 25% of what you do.

as previous posters have said you need to start putting yourself first. Get DH to help as much as possible, ignore the chaos, it’s not for long. Use any means to get him to do more.

I see the dog walking as lazy too, don’t you want a nice walk away from the kids?

in A way he has done you a favour as the reason you feel like this is that he is not pulling his weight and now you can start a stealth campaign to address it !

Not always possible but can you afford some childcare on the days you have off?

Will your DH take them out for a few hours on the weekend at the very least?

The key with young kids is to go out and find pals with kids the same ages.

Toddler groups, coffee at friends' houses, music groups, story time at the library.

Get yourself out and about. Your life will be transformed. I was at home full time with mine and loved it so much i became a childminder. Ended up having 5 kids. But i rarely to never did a full day in the house.

I had lots of friends to share days out and coffee mornings. My week was packed and i treated Mumhood as a job really. Out all day, home, tea and kids to bed. Then evening was mine and dh's time.

Your DH is being totally unreasonable to criticise you and honestly it sounds like your biggest barriers to being able to enjoy that day with the kids are a lack of sleep (which he could help with by giving you a lie in alternate weekend days) & not getting much if any time to yourself (which again he could resolve).
I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett that your best approach is to agree and tell him the solution is he helps you free up some time and get some more sleep. If he’s just been a bit thoughtless and complacent he’ll see this is the solution and do more. If he’s deliberately avoiding doing his share he’ll likely at least shut up about your parenting.
I had a day a week with my two at that age and generally found going out somewhere led to a more relaxed and enjoyable day than being in the house, particularly if I could find a friend with similar age kids to go with. That way we’d divide and one of us would do an activity with the two smaller ones for a bit while the other was with the older two. Both enjoyed having someone to interact with but they didn’t wreck each other’s fun in the same way. We also had a fab soft play where the 3 year old could explore with the other bigger pre school kids while I stayed at the baby bit & played with her sister.

Please please make him do a regular child care day e.g. a Sat or Sunday. The only way to get on the same page understanding what toddler/baby childcare is like is to both do it. There will be a very quick and positive change of tone from him I can guarantee.