To expect less well off BIL who get more support to take on more family responsibilities

[Poppyroselilydaisy]

My partner and I are a well off young couple with no kids, and both in high paying professional jobs.
His family are also quite well off (probably upper middle). I get on very well with his family, especially with his parents. They are lovely and treat me as part of the family. Partner has a younger brother, who I don’t know as well but he’s really lovely person as well.
His younger brother and his partner are significantly less well off than us, basically because they are pursuing academic careers.
Partner’s parents have always given them more financial help (which I don’t mind as we don’t need it), and when they came into some inheritance asked us whether we would mind giving up our share to his brother. That is also fine as sums involved aren’t huge and his brother will benefit more from the cash than we would. Not to mention it’s not my family money so I don’t feel it’s in my place to have an opinion about how they share their family resources.
My only grievance is that partner’s brother doesn’t seem very interested in giving back to the family in other ways - not out of malice but just classic younger brother habit/ mentality. Less is always expected of him.
Everytime partner’s parents need support/ help/ someone to talk to they always come to my partner (and sometimes me), and very little is expected from his brother.
I don’t mind that his brother gets more financial help from his parents, and don’t even mind if my partner decides in the future to help his brother out financially if he chooses to do so. However is it unreasonable to think that because brother is getting more help from the family he should be asked to support the family more? And if so how do I say that gently to partner? He is classic big brother/ elder son type.

Perfectly put.

No, the OP is not

I’m surprised by these responses. OP is engaged after being with DP for 10 years, so assuming the marriage goes ahead, she very much is family and the PIL will be her DC’s grandparents. The current dynamic could cause all sorts of issues in future so I think it’s right that she’s thinking about this now.

OP, we have similar in that we are better off than BIL and SIL simply due to life choices. SIL doesn’t work and they bought a house they can’t afford so they have next to no disposable income, whereas we both work full time and moved to a cheaper area so we could afford our mortgage. Both couples have DC. PIL are always fretting about BILs family and giving them cash, free holidays etc, and then he and SIL treat PIL like crap! Whereas we are seen as competent and not needing help but of course go out of our way to help PIL whenever needed (and also just treat them nicely, as we should!).

it does feel very unfair, especially since DC came along. DH ended up having a word with his parents and basically telling them that it’s not on for them to treat their DGC differently and he won’t be standing for it. The final straw was they took BIL children on holiday and not ours and that felt like blatant prefectural treatment - it really does damage relationships. It’s not about the money but about the unfair/ favourite treatment.

Why are his parents needing so much support/help/someone to talk to, though?

There comes a time in everyone's life as they get older they will need more help.

You say you don't mind the younger brother gets more financial help. It doesn't actually matter whether you mind or not. It's absolutely none of your business.

As to the younger brother not doing much to help, again not your business.

If your dh resents helping his parents then he should say so.

If you yourself resent helping his parents then you should say so.

What happens with younger bil is between the parents and possibly your h.

OP please ignore the haters who are more focused on the financial aspect. You are right to think about the long term implications of this. We have a somewhat similar situation with my partner and his two siblings who divide up the responsibilities for their remaining parent. However over the years I have pulled back on helping out as I used to because one of the sibling partners doesn’t contribute in terms of helping out yet has received financial support from the family. I work full time and she doesn’t.

Sorry meant preferential treatment above! Also adding to say that the relationship between the brothers has completely deteriorated due to this issue, meaning the cousins have little to no relationship, so those saying this has nothing to do with OP are being very short-sighted. We are probably the OP in 8 years’ time!

The parents are risking causing a rift between the brothers

No they’re not. It’s OP who’s trying to do that by stirring the pot with her partner.

You need to separate money from behaviour, these are two totally separate things.

In terms of him helping out less when help is needed, that is as you say classic 'youngest child being babied into adulthood' behaviour pattern. By all means challenge that. Point out that when your partner was the same age he did x, y, z so surely little bro can reasonably be expected to do the same.

But your partner probably gets pride and status from being 'the responsible one'.

Things are rarely fair in families. You can only really control what you are willing to do, or not.

I guess that you deal with these issues as they come up. Maybe he will step up when needed later down the line. It sounds like you do resent the money going to his brother and want your partner to say to him that you’ve had the financial help now step up. Let’s face it, if you guys are both working long hours and he isn’t, this will probably happen. I don’t think it needs to be said now.

I wouldn’t have given up the inheritance if I was your dp - that was his

if the parents help out then that is their money to share but it overstepped to ask your dp to pass over his

regarding the care / support for in laws then I used to but now I don’t - if I was asked to support I go straight to dh and get him to deal with it. You are always just an in-law (as I later found out when funerals or big decisions are involved)

Obviously. I was actually asking OP for specifics though, not just generalisations. Also the youngsters are in their 20s so it's unlikely the parents are more than early 60s. That's hardly their dotage. I was basically wondering whether the in-laws are unreasonably demanding and that's the real issue rather than the brother.

Frankly it's none of your business. And it sounds like you look down on him for choosing to work in academia. Most people would consider that extremely respectable and admirable as a career.
You sound quite class and money focussed.
Maybe the brother isn't that way inclined.
So just keep your nose out of it really. You say you get on with all of them so keep it that way by staying out of their family dynamic.
It's not disadvantaging you personally at all so why bother to care what he chooses to do with his life or money.

To everyone who thinks I care about the financial aspect - I really don’t! However parents actually ask me whether I would feel ok if they leave more inheritance to the younger brother as partner and I are so much better off. They ask me because they treat me as part of family, but also acknowledge that the reason my partner doesn’t need any financial help because I am a very high earner. I obviously tell them it’s their choice to do whatever they like with their money.

I have probably picked a bad example re Christmas cooking and washing up. The fact is partner’s mum actually tells me she doesn’t feel like younger brother doesn’t appreciate the help he’s getting, and she couldn’t get hold of him most of the time. And family had gone through bereavement recently and partner and I spent a lot of time helping parents out with all sorts of things relating to the estate but brother never offered any help. To be fair family did not ask him directly but that’s coming back to the point that there’s very little expectation of him to contribute to the family.

I think your question and concern were more than fair. We have a similar issue in my dh’s family and it eventually caused a split between the more functional siblings and the more collapsed/indulged ones. Not during the lifetime of the parents but after.

I wish parents and siblings could be honest with each other and pull up the users/lazy ones. Everyone would be happier in the end. Because selfish, lazy, and ungenerous are no way to go through life.

Relationships should never be transactional. You need to separate the money from the help.

If he’s not doing his fair share of helping that needs to be addressed. Money has nothing to do with it.

Mother has long term health issues. She can barely manage a theatre trip and dinner a lot of the time. She doesn’t need a lot of care for now (most of the time she feels unwell she just needs to rest) but the condition only gets worse. And family had been through a very painful bereavement not long ago so parents needed quite a bit of help.

I would agree, but it’s not my decision, and brother and his girlfriend would indeed benefit a lot more from the cash, so I can see why they asked. However my problem is the fact that brother had the extra inheritance but still didn’t think to do more for the grieving parents… that was what bothered me. Like I say I don’t think it’s out of malice, just general cluelessness about family responsibilities

Okay so now you've said that dp mum has complained directly to you, then that completely changes things. Just tell your dp that his mum said what she did. You can also say that you have started to agree with her. Just leave it with him for a few days to mull over.

YANBU to think that maybe fiancé’s DB is not pulling his weight (e.g. the example you gave around a family meal).

YABVVVU (and more than a little weird TBH) to in any way link that back to money. It is extremely transactional.

This isn't about money. You seem to have conflated it with Bil's attitude to family responsibilities, which is a separate issue. Younger DB can't just swan through life expecting others (even you his Sil) to pick up slack in his own family. Can you talk to your DP about the brother's actions or lack of them, without reference to money issues, which just muddy the waters? Point out to your DP that he could get his DB on to a more equal footing to do with family responsibility , especially as you are both time-poor.

Is this a golden child scenario? Youngest can do no wrong.

Sometimes you literally have to spell it out- Mum and Dad can’t do this so don’t expect them to do it; they need help with this, what are we going to do about it, etc., etc.

Next time you have a family meal, for example, your DH could say to his brother, “Let’s get the washing up done now, X.” Don’t let him wriggle out of it.

He sounds abit lazy but if your DH includes him in helping out their parents, he’ll get used to it!

I completely understand your concerns OP. Your BIL is spoilt by the sounds of it and doesn’t see what help your husbands parents require.
it’s easy to educate him tbh, but it must come from your husband- as I suspect you already know.
I’m the youngest of many siblings and we cared for my parents for a very long time, it was mainly harmonious but not always. I live very far away and if I’m being very honest the main driver for me pulling my weight (even though I had to travel a very long distance every few weeks) was not wanting to damage my relationship with my siblings. Plus loving my parents obviously.
Do you have someone you could talk about in front of husband who has had their family impacted by a similar thing? Might make him think without having to directly address?
caring for people is HARD, it will be even harder if you have children. You are right to address this now.

I understand you OP. It sounds like BIL is a bit of a taker and when his parents are gone will he expect handouts from your partner? I also don’t think you and your partner should be expecting to step up for care duties while BIL gets away with less.
Before you get married, and become a legal financial unit, I would be speaking to your partner to convey that you won’t want to be giving handouts to BIL and that you won’t want to be expected to do a disproportionate amount of care and it will need to be shared equally between the two couples or outside help will be needed.
In my
experience adults who are used to handouts can’t get themselves out of an entitlement mentality very easily.