To expect less well off BIL who get more support to take on more family responsibilities

[Poppyroselilydaisy]

My partner and I are a well off young couple with no kids, and both in high paying professional jobs.
His family are also quite well off (probably upper middle). I get on very well with his family, especially with his parents. They are lovely and treat me as part of the family. Partner has a younger brother, who I don’t know as well but he’s really lovely person as well.
His younger brother and his partner are significantly less well off than us, basically because they are pursuing academic careers.
Partner’s parents have always given them more financial help (which I don’t mind as we don’t need it), and when they came into some inheritance asked us whether we would mind giving up our share to his brother. That is also fine as sums involved aren’t huge and his brother will benefit more from the cash than we would. Not to mention it’s not my family money so I don’t feel it’s in my place to have an opinion about how they share their family resources.
My only grievance is that partner’s brother doesn’t seem very interested in giving back to the family in other ways - not out of malice but just classic younger brother habit/ mentality. Less is always expected of him.
Everytime partner’s parents need support/ help/ someone to talk to they always come to my partner (and sometimes me), and very little is expected from his brother.
I don’t mind that his brother gets more financial help from his parents, and don’t even mind if my partner decides in the future to help his brother out financially if he chooses to do so. However is it unreasonable to think that because brother is getting more help from the family he should be asked to support the family more? And if so how do I say that gently to partner? He is classic big brother/ elder son type.

How old are they? 50s? Why are you planning now for the care they may or may not need!
You need to get some hobbies or read a book or somthing and stop trying to control the dynamics in your boyfriends family.
Honestly do you not see how odd it is that you are so obsessed with this golden child crap .
Parents have different relationships with their children. One may be fun to go out and about with . One may a good listener . One may be great in an emergency .
You cannot dictate who fits into what category

Your poor " partner" note not husband.
I hope he sees the light and finds a better woman!

Rude

Both brothers should help.out equally.

Yabu - partner's brother should help out more but for a reason unrelated to money.

Your partner should do at least 50% of the help as his brother - this is presuming there are no other siblings

Why on earth are you intervening in their family dynamics.? Stay out of it.

Nobody is obliged to provide care and whoever does needs to be comfortable in doing it.

Your comment "I am all for supporting family but I want everyone to be pulling their weight. To me that makes it sustainable, otherwise eventually there will be resentment."

Is so off the mark it's worrying. It isn't your your family or isn't your concern. Honestly if some family members partners started interfering they would get short shift from me and my late parents.

If you take on caring responsibilities then that is your choice, you don't have to do it and no one can make you. Exactly the same goes for BIL.

Flexibility does not equate to free time.

What on earth has it got to do with you how much help a couple give to their child? If I found out that DS’s girlfriend had been cry arsing about what we’d given to our DD, I’d tell her to get to fuck and keep her big nose out of things that don’t concern her.

Are you an only child? You don't seem to have much understanding of family dynamics. If you don't like them, don't marry into them. You aren't going to change them. It isn't always about eldest (my husband is the younger, but is also the "reliable" child) but you need to understand that these patterns were set a decade before you came along and it isn't up to you to determine how you think people should act.

I'd take the financial aspect out of it. I don't think the 2 should be linked at all.

I don't think the brother should done as he's been given more financially.

However, I would expect it to be 50/50 in terms of support for the parents. Therefore, if he's not offering any help/support just now that's the part your partner (not you) may want to address with him.
Especially if as you say it's likely they will require more support at a they get older

This
I'm married to golden child.
Mil had bil on speed dial
He didn't put in boundaries and (unknown to us) mil treated him appallingly - but at the end of the day, it was bil choice.

Agree with you OP!

Contrary to advice on this chat it is your business because wife of the relied on brother will get roped into expectations too!

Some people are just selfish and lazy (BIL) and probably your DP is used to being the reliable one everyone turns to so doesn't see any problem.

When The DPs are old and need a lift to medical appointments surely if you and DP are busy in full time jobs it will fall to BIL who has more spare time.

There will be big changes once grandchildren arrive - GPs will be needed not the other way round and BIL will get priority no doubt

You do mind about the money or else you wouldn't have mentioned it.

I'd say until your husband says something himself, you need to keep out of it. He will not appreciate you saying that his parents are parenting badly. It's bugging you and not him

This seems like a lot of angst over things like you and your DP volunteering to cook at holidays and BIL not.

You need to take the finances out of it (your backpedaling about not caring about the money is nonsense or you would’ve focused the title and 2/3 of your post to it) and try to get away from the transactional thinking. Ideally both siblings are equally thoughtful and helpful, but that’s rarely reality and you’re not going to change their decades-long family dynamics. If your PIL are asking for more than you can comfortably manage, speak up and ask if BIL can help with a request because your plate is full. If you’re at Christmas and frustrated that you’ve cooked and no one else has started dishes, ask BIL if he’ll come scrub while you dry.

I knew from the title you were panicking about eldercare OP.

PIL might not need any & they can afford it if they do.

Beak out, love.

You’ll be dumping the grandchildren on them soon enough - you won’t be complaining about family support then.

I think you are getting a hard time for having a view OP, you've been together 10years and plan to marry, so unless you are a robot you are bound to have feelings about it. The parents are risking causing a rift between the brothers and putting your partner in really difficult position when they asked him to forgo his inheritance. Depending on how demanding future PIL are ,its fair enough to wish to redirect them to younger child sometimes and to feel you need boundaries in place re future care needs. But mixing the money up with day to day frustrations about who cooked more etc is a bit pathetic, your partner needs to ask his brother to do his share and you both take on with what you are happy with. I think you are mixing up the elements of day to day family annoyance with the issue about the money ,and future worries.

Fwiw my BIL can be like this. I have adopted cheerful older sister vibe and just ask him to do things - "oh would you mind just taking out the rubbish?" "Could you give me a hand with the potatoes?"

This. It will be up to you and your husband to, individually and together, decide what is possible for you to do in the way of care for your in laws if care, beyond what they can pay for, is ever needed. If you genuinely aren't bothered by the financial help that your BiL has received then you need to separate the two in your head and in any discussion. After all, if you can't do certain things for your in laws for whatever reason, then being given money by them won't change that?
And yes I know I split an infinitive and I don't care.

I can’t believe you wrote ‘I don’t mind’ so many times about your partners parents money. And about your partners inheritance?

Why on earth would you mind? Why would you have an opinion, on their finances, at all?

I'm afraid I have no practical advice, really. Other than saying that you can't control the way he is and by holding onto resentment the only person being negatively impacted is you.

The only reason I wanted to post is to show a bit of support. You are getting a really hard time on here and just wanted to provide some balance. Its only my opinion but I think most of the replies on here are very unreasonable!

I think the key is that you only agree to do and pay for what you are happy with.

I don't agree that BIL should help more because he has needed more financial support recently.

However, if BIL is not pulling his weight, don't invite him to things that you are hosting/catering. Bear in mind though, that if he is short on money, catering for extended family will not be possible for him.

Mind your own business!