To expect less well off BIL who get more support to take on more family responsibilities

[Poppyroselilydaisy]

My partner and I are a well off young couple with no kids, and both in high paying professional jobs.
His family are also quite well off (probably upper middle). I get on very well with his family, especially with his parents. They are lovely and treat me as part of the family. Partner has a younger brother, who I don’t know as well but he’s really lovely person as well.
His younger brother and his partner are significantly less well off than us, basically because they are pursuing academic careers.
Partner’s parents have always given them more financial help (which I don’t mind as we don’t need it), and when they came into some inheritance asked us whether we would mind giving up our share to his brother. That is also fine as sums involved aren’t huge and his brother will benefit more from the cash than we would. Not to mention it’s not my family money so I don’t feel it’s in my place to have an opinion about how they share their family resources.
My only grievance is that partner’s brother doesn’t seem very interested in giving back to the family in other ways - not out of malice but just classic younger brother habit/ mentality. Less is always expected of him.
Everytime partner’s parents need support/ help/ someone to talk to they always come to my partner (and sometimes me), and very little is expected from his brother.
I don’t mind that his brother gets more financial help from his parents, and don’t even mind if my partner decides in the future to help his brother out financially if he chooses to do so. However is it unreasonable to think that because brother is getting more help from the family he should be asked to support the family more? And if so how do I say that gently to partner? He is classic big brother/ elder son type.

However is it unreasonable to think that because brother is getting more help from the family he should be asked to support the family more? And if so how do I say that gently to partner? He is classic big brother/ elder son type.

Well let's hope he's also a, 'Classic keep your nose out of my family's business type'.

It sort of sounds like you think the person who earns the less money should do more unpaid work whilst you and your partner makes more money and you should therefore be left alone so not to disturb the rich because you don't need as much financial support. It's a very unattractive standpoint to have.

My mother gives my sister huge amounts of help and money. I get nothing. She was awful to me growing up and as a result every time I’m asked to help in some way I make it very clear that I won’t. They keep asking though !

That's explicitly not what OP said.
OP and her partner are time poor but cash rich. So they're happy to contribute more financially.
BIL's resources are the other way around so it makes sense for him to contribute more time.

The money comes into it because well if the parents were abusive, unpleasant etc to the BIL it makes sense for him to distance himself. But in this case they've been more than generous. So why should OP and her DP do things If he refuses to?

hahaha, you are missing some basic family dynamics. Your in laws come to your DP for the very same reason they don't give him financial support - they see him as the competent, together one who can handle stuff.

@JadziaD You're absolutely right, but as a PP said, this can be a slippery slope in terms of expectations. DH’s parents have two golden children and two less golden. DH is a lesser child, but as often happens, he’s also one of the kinder, more caring ones.
All of his siblings are financially self-sufficient but his brother, for example, never thinks about his parents’ welfare…earlier this year, DH had to gently point out that they’re in their 80’’s in order to lower his brother’s expectations of them. He was pressuring them to go on a trip that they physically and mentally couldn’t manage, and they were getting upset!

If they ever need additional help, I know who’ll be organizing/providing it…but I’ve said to DH that if financial support is needed, he should split the bills four ways.

It’s fine for your DH to set expectations with his brother, sometimes it’s necessary.

Yabu a bit.
Generally, family support should be according to need, rather than an equal split, and you are fine with this, younger brother needed support more.
Family help given should be given according to capacity, rather than an equal split. Your partner seems to have a reasonably high capacity to help out wirh what the parents need. You haven't given enough information to know whether younger brother has as much capacity. Does he have kids? I disagree that the simple fact of being an academic should mean he has more capacity. Many academics work very long hours. Having the flexibility to work without a strict timetable isn't a lot of help when you have 20 hours worth of work that needs to be achieved across the next 24 hours. Or not - it may be that younger brother could step up a bit more but I see no reason why your partner should do less than 50% if there isn't a good reason for brother to do less.

Actually, why should any of them be doing anything?
You know, I find the attitude on MN and of British people quite strange in general.
I'm from a country where we take care of our parents. But it works both ways. Parents sacrifice a lot for their kids, help with grandchildren etc. Not in a 'transactional' way (you do X I do Y) but it's generally expected that family help each other. The state doesn't pick up the slack with benefits, social services etc so we kinda have to.

Here on MN any expectations of childcare are absolutely selfish , 'grandparents shouldn't be expected to help out for free' but when it comes to elderly care, suddenly kids have to help unpaid. Why.

You reap what you sow.

Throughout the post you say you don’t mind, but it sounds like you very much DO mind.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all actually. In cultures where parents live with elder sons and rely on them that son also benefits by inheriting all the money and property. Younger sons often have to make their own way.

You just need to mention it to DH privately and honestly. Explain how you feel. He can choose (or not) to bow to his family’s wishes / being the perfect son but make it clear that you won’t be involved.

What country are you from?

Just get used to this being the way it is. It is very common in families for one person to be seen as dependable and independent (dh in his family) and others being accepted as needing help. My dh's younger brothers have had way more financial and other help than us but we are the first port of call when elderly in laws need help. I don't get upset about it and neither does dh. What he does for his family is done because he thinks it right.

Hmmm I don't necessarily think YABU buy I'm jaded. My DB (pushing 40) is in academia but specifically a religious subject. He earns very little but also has about 16 weeks a year off and works 3 days a week. He is currently studying a masters funded by my parents, he lives at home, no digs, all meals funded, his car is funded. He receives a sum of money from them monthly to cover expenses because his income is understandably low.

I have worked since I was 14, full time from 16. Put myself through a degree whilst having children and working outside of studying time. I can't afford to do a masters so have been collecting any microcredentials that I can find funded and build up credits.

If my parents want to split our inheritance separately that's fine and I hope it's made clear on their will what they intend but I can't pretend that I wouldn't be a bit p*d off. My DB is in the career position that he is in because he is 100%funded by my parents. Not everyone has that choice. So if I was your DP I may feel a bit like that I'd guess.

This is very clearly stated and I don’t jnow why people her are suffering from such convenient aphasia and pretending not to understand. For whatever reason the family treats little boy BIL as the suffering, needy one. Your fiance is the “utility child” whose time and resources belong as of right to the rest of the family each if whom is seen as too weak, needy, important, interesting etc…to have to bother with problems or financial things. The utility child is always expected to make themselves useful.

Sounds as if you have a giver/taker dynamic going on.

Your partner will decide how much he wants to give time wise to his parents but you have every right if asked for help to tell him that HIS brother needs to get involved.

Likewise if you have children and you see them impacted, you can ask about his brother doing his share.

Or that his parents pay for some help.
Be careful of getting over involved either way.

Far better they pay for help if you too are time short.

You cannot force his brother to share the load, but you can speak to its impact on you.

It's not your business. The only thing that you have any say about is whether or not you help when asked. It's fine to say no.

without going into too much details I’ll highlight a few examples - for example over Christmas/ Easter etc partner and I would always help to cook a few meals for the family, and help tidy up etc. whereas brother would just slope off and appear when food is ready and disappear again. I am more than happy to help (and would feel self conscious if I just sat around!) but it just feels like brother isn’t very aware that things are being done for him. And for information we are all in our late twenties so not kids!

I kind of see where this comment is coming from. My uncle (mums brother) and his wife and (mainly grown up) children lived with my grandparents and he even gave up his job to look after them till their last days. The other siblings and grandchildren including myself visited ALL the time and did what we could but ultimately they're the ones who were there 24/7 caring for my grandpa with dementia who was virtually like a baby. We don't use carers/care homes in my culture. Parents bring you up and do everything for you and as difficult as it is we would rather give back ourselves in their old age. That's not to say anyone who does choose care homes is bad!!!! If you don't have lots of support it's not easy at all and I am not judging just simply providing a different outlook. Anyways my mums siblings all agreed my uncle deservedway more of the inheritance as he gave up so much for them. So in some ways I understand both sides here...

Marriage (and life) is going to feel like a long slog if you let things like this work you up. It's not your brother, it's up to his (biological) family to pull him up on this in their own home. I have a younger sister, older than you, in a 'high paying professional job'. She still has youngest sibling syndrome, and reverts to Kevin the teenager in a family setting. And I have eldest daughter syndrome and have to do everything. 'Utility child' resonated a lot @pikkumyy77 . But it's their family dynamics OP, and it doesn't really affect you.

I think this is just what happens. The older sibling and their partner will always be the ones with more sense of responsibility. It’s up to you to decided what you give to people now and in the future. It sounds like you get back a lovely family who likes you. I’d consider that the reward.

BIL’s behaviour (not washing up at meals?) is a “not your circus, not your monkeys” non-situation.

It's not a quid pro quo. If they want to give him money, their choice. If he doesn't help, his choice. If you help, also your choice. None of these things are obligatory.

I'd encourage your partner to do what seems reasonable but, if he's feeling stretched at all, just gently remind him that his parents have 2 sons and they might need to approach the perfectly capable younger one. Sometimes the older sibling also needs to reach out to the younger one and tell them, "Mum and Dad need X. I can't do it. You're up." I did it with my brother in his 20s.

I wouldn't relate it to the money thing (which does have a bit of a bearing). Just focus on the fact that there's 2 offspring and both can and should help their parents where needed.

@OriginalUsername2 I think it’s also personality though. My DH is the third of four, his older brother doesn’t do anything for their parents, never has. His older sister does a little. In their family, the younger ones do more than the older. 🤷

@RickiRaccoon Yes, it’s the classic “ use your words” situation. As DH’s parents need more support, the more involved siblings will have to directly ask the others for assistance when it’s needed.

Of course it affects OP! She is not just a gf she is marrying into this mess. Right now her fiancé can chose how he wants to deal with his parents time/space/money demands but eventually it will come out of OP’s family “pot” as she and her husband will be a team.

Was this directed at me? I didn't say anything about her 'just' being a girlfriend, but that's irrelevant really. It's still in law family dynamics that go back 30 odd years. OP's complaint wasn't that her DP gives too much time/space/money, it seems to be that her BILtoB doesn't do enough for her liking. If everyone else is fine with that (rightly or wrongly) it's not really her business. DH and I roll our eyes at family on both sides, and this issue would have been discussed long ago. If OP and her DP are such a team she should be speaking to him about it rather than posting on here.

I am just trying to gather advice on how to talk to my partner about it! He’s very close to his family (probably obviously!) and I actually get on very well with them too. I am just worried about the golden child dynamic and what it would mean further down the road. These dynamics don’t change overnight and in the future when parents need care/ when we have more constraints in our lives in terms of money and time I worry it will cause resentment. I am all for supporting family but I want everyone to be pulling their weight. To me that makes it sustainable, otherwise eventually there will be resentment.