To think I can’t control my child

130 replies

abangintoon · 07/11/2024 16:31

I know I’m going to get pasted but I’m kind of hoping there might be some sympathy amongst the inevitable flaming.

He’s four. If I ask / tell him not to do something and generally he ignores me and carries on.

I have read the books and researched this and have tried

telling him what to do rather than what not to do - doesn’t work, still ignores you and carries on doing his own thing
a sanction or consequence, either doesn’t care or throws a tantrum but it doesn’t change his behaviour at all.
speaking firmly, speaking sternly, shouting - doesn’t care. Sometimes laughs.
Giving choices - doesn’t work, just says no to both if it’s something he doesn’t want to do or just ignores you.

I am sure there are more.

I know it can be a difficult age. I am not really posting for advice but more to ask if anyone else just accepted they had no power at all and sort of got on with their day. Fine at preschool by the way.

OP posts:

Wordau · 08/11/2024 00:18

Oh and mine also treads on everything! Drives me mad!

Wordau · 08/11/2024 00:20

Balloonhearts · 07/11/2024 22:30

I tell them once and if they don't stop, I make them stop. Simple. I've carted them out of places by a wrist and an ankle, screaming bloody murder after warning them that if they continued to play up we would leave.

You just have to make it clear that your word is law, what the consequences are for disobedience and follow through. They quickly learn that you mean what you say.

They really don't. I've been consistent and calm for years and my DC still gives zero fucks.

If I threaten to take things away they care about they also spiral into a huge anxiety driven meltdown, so I have that to deal with on top. It's not great

Wordau · 08/11/2024 00:22

VivaVivaa · 07/11/2024 21:11

See, this here absolutely sums up why standard parenting advice often doesn’t work for ND kids. I absolutely agree that all 4 year olds can be menaces who push boundaries. But your 4 year old heard the consequence, got upset, but then acted to avoid the consequence. My nephews would have done exactly the same and I expect my youngest child will at age 4 as well.

That is literally something that would have never happened with DC1. He would have heard the consequence, before physically, verbally and potentially violently resisting the solution for hours on end. He would have never got himself dressed if he didn’t want to no matter how big the threat (and believe me, before knowing better we’ve been there). I would have absolutely had to pin him down dress him by force. The only way to get him to do the things I want him to do is by being collaborative and giving him lots of autonomy. Consequences and force do not work.

This is not a criticism of you at all. But maybe more generally a criticism of MN posters who so quickly spring to ‘immediate consequences’ for desperate posters, who, despite repeatedly saying this doesn’t work, are shouted down the minute neurodiversity is suggested.

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All of this!!

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/11/2024 01:00

@abangintoon

So for the incident at the park, if he deliberately walked over that painting, I would apologize immediately to the child and the parent if appropriate, and remove him immediately to the car/bench to sit and think about his behavior. If he does something else naughty, then you go straight home.

You say you can't always physically stop him. I disagree. Unless you are unusually frail or he is unusually strong you can absolutely physically stop and restrain a child of this age and you must, before he gets too big that his behavior becomes really unmanageable.

InternationalVelveteen · 08/11/2024 02:25

I’m not totally sure how much he understands to be honest either.

There's your answer. If his comprehension is limited, he can't possibly understand what he is supposed to do, why he is supposed to do it, why he is being prevented from doing what he likes, why his favourite things are being removed as punishment, how his behaviour is connected to your displeasure, etc.

I would look into physical problems (hearing issues) as a matter of urgency. I'd also try to help him develop his comprehension skills. Keep instructions limited, single words or short phrases. Show him pictures to support the spoken word. Make life very predictable with an invariable routine he can count on. Reinforce what you do at each point in the day. Of course, you can't always foresee what will happen on any given day. But it can provide security for him to know what a typical day looks like. That should help him with comprehension, especially if you narrate what is happening, using the same words to describe what is expected.

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