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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed that people "stole" my cat?

129 replies

WoIsMe · 07/11/2024 09:35

One of my cats stopped coming home and I sometimes wouldn't see him for several days at a time. When he did come home, he would eat any food that was left out and then leave again straight away. I put a tracker on him which wasn't very accurate but I could see that he was spending a lot of his time a few hundred yards down the road. So I put up posters around that area asking people not to feed him since he wasn't coming home any more. An acquaintance saw the posters and let me know that her next door neighbours were letting my cat into their house. When they saw the posters, they stopped feeding him so now he comes home every day for food and then goes back to this other house. Recently, he was injured and one of the couple came round to tell me, so I could take him to the vet. So I'm paying for food, flea treatment and vet care for a cat that doesn't live here any more. I really miss him and these people are getting all the good sides of having cat while I pay for everything. So AIBU for being annoyed at the people that have lured my cat away?

OP posts:
WoIsMe · 08/11/2024 15:31

I honestly don't think they would be able to stop letting him in if he thinks he lives at their house now. He would meow to be let in. At the end of the day, I want him to be happy and have a happy life. But I do feel resentful at them for encouraging him by letting him in. Even if he got in through an open window or door at first, they have kept letting him in through the colder weather. And they must have been feeding him at one point as he sometimes didn't come home for up to five days as he isn't much of a hunter.

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 08/11/2024 17:15

McSilkson · 07/11/2024 18:51

Nobody "owns" a cat (or any living being, for that matter, but especially a cat). The law about "property" is bullshit. A cat is a living, thinking being, with its own will. You can imprison a cat, i.e., force it to be an "indoor"cat, but that's not the same thing.

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

But ppl have responsibilities for other living things - pets and kids spring to mind. The OP says she is paying for food and vets fees. If no one did this the cat would probably die, same with any thing that depends on you - it’s semantics to differentiate between being an owner and ‘carer’ regarding pets isn’t it? Unless they’re wild (and even then ppl take them to rescue centres when they’re injured) animals need someone to take responsibility for them and their welfare and it needs to be someone prepared to part with cash

AndThereSheGoes · 08/11/2024 17:30

Bluregh.

Thus is why I dislike cat owners. Basically you gave a predator species that you pereport to own yet leave it free to wander where they want.
Then complain when it gets adopted/run over/ lost.

Either it's a pet ( keep it under control) or a wild animal ( subject to government control if they get out of hand)

So many cats on my estate now they have decimated the birds and small mammals ( and they don't touch rats as that's too much effort). Fucked off with having mice and bird feathers left in my garden whilst never seeing any actual birds except for magpies on the estate now.

KrisAkabusi · 08/11/2024 17:43

You don't actually sound like you want him back. You keep saying things like "I think it's gone too far for me to be able to get him to live here again now" and "I honestly don't think they would be able to stop letting him in if he thinks he lives at their house now. He would meow to be let in". Dozens of people have said to keep him locked up for a couple of weeks, but it doesn't sound like you're going to do that. To me it sounds very "I've tried nothing and it hasn't worked."

Either you want the cat back, in which case put a little effort in, or hand it over to the others.

DisabledDemon · 08/11/2024 17:57

I had no idea that our (now gone and much missed) tabby was letting herself into a neighbour’s and eating the dog food. We only found out after she had died and the neighbour mentioned that she hadn’t seen puss around lately.

It didn’t stop her coming home and eating her own food - I wish I knew how she kept so slim!

Whoyergonnacall · 08/11/2024 18:53

DCat is part of the family, completely in love with my eldest, naps on DH every evening and and always comes home. However he is a very pretty cat and people are always trying to lure him. I was working from home and spotted my neighbours with a BREAKFAST BOWL full of dreamies luring him into their house! He also started to seem hungrier all of a sudden which coincided with the nice old lady up the road dying. That was when I found out from her son that she had been buying him fillets of salmon from the fishmonger, she bought him catnip toys and grew cat grass in her garden. 😮

McSilkson · 09/11/2024 00:37

Sceptical123 · 08/11/2024 17:15

But ppl have responsibilities for other living things - pets and kids spring to mind. The OP says she is paying for food and vets fees. If no one did this the cat would probably die, same with any thing that depends on you - it’s semantics to differentiate between being an owner and ‘carer’ regarding pets isn’t it? Unless they’re wild (and even then ppl take them to rescue centres when they’re injured) animals need someone to take responsibility for them and their welfare and it needs to be someone prepared to part with cash

Many domestic cats could survive in the "wild" (very relative term) in the UK quite fine. They may not be as "happy", and they'd almost certainly be a good deal leaner - though this would be to their benefit in a majority of cases - but they'd survive. As long as their natural instincts, abilities and physical characteristics have not been significantly impaired or mutated by humans - and that's sadly a big IF - most domesticated animals could get on just fine, and in some cases better, without us (thinking of all the overweight, underexercised, understimulated, bored, distressed dogs howling in their prisons homes across the UK).

A recent large study estimated that there are around 250,000 stray and feral cats in the UK. Many of these are former domesticated ones that were abandoned or chose to go their own way. Humans underestimate other animals and overestimate their own ecological importance.

I think it's morally repugnant to deliberately make another living being dependent on you, which is what humans have done, or tried to do, to many domesticated species: breeding them to have disabling mutations, not allowing cats to practise and hone their natural hunting abilities, etc. It's rather Kathy Bates in Misery, in my view.

One of the reasons I believe it's important to encourage independence in cats is that you never know what will happen to the humans of a house. When my former cat's human friend, an elderly woman, died, he was somehow overlooked by the woman's relatives, and he ended up living wild for a few months. When he turned up at our house, he was underweight and had a shaggy winter coat, but was otherwise in good health. He had many human friends in the neighbourhood during his life, but he chose me. We had met the summer before he was homeless, when he was on his travels, and when he was looking for a new home, he remembered me and and came back to me. Now that was special.

Human and non-human animals can share mutually beneficial friendships that both parties want and choose. Look at Diane Fossey and her gorillas, or Jane Goodall and her chimpanzees. Or you can lock up a weaker being in some form of cage and tell yourself you own it.

I also find the view that showing kindness to or spending money on other living beings means you own them disturbing. Charity = ownership...? Many homeless people would probably die if no one gave them food or money, so do the givers own the homeless people? People across the UK choose to put out food for wild birds, but I haven't seen many claim they own the birds. Ditto hedgehogs.

And that view has traditionally been how the relations between men and women has been seen. Women were "pets". Men paid for, housed, and "took care of" of them, so they felt entitled to claim "ownership rights".

And human children are not remotely comparable to cats. Unlike cats, most young children are truly dependent on the care of adult humans, but I hope that doesn't mean anyone believes they own their children! Though, sadly, some do seem have this attitude.

Anyway, that was a screed.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/oct/28/uk-has-almost-250000-urban-stray-cats-claims-first-detailed-study

xsquared · 09/11/2024 09:10

WoIsMe · 08/11/2024 15:31

I honestly don't think they would be able to stop letting him in if he thinks he lives at their house now. He would meow to be let in. At the end of the day, I want him to be happy and have a happy life. But I do feel resentful at them for encouraging him by letting him in. Even if he got in through an open window or door at first, they have kept letting him in through the colder weather. And they must have been feeding him at one point as he sometimes didn't come home for up to five days as he isn't much of a hunter.

You sound like you've given up in your cat, which I find a bit sad.

Have you suggested transferring ownership to your neighbour? See what their reaction is, and that will tell you whether they care enough about your cat to take on that responsibility.

Snackpocket · 09/11/2024 09:24

We had a cat that decided he’d rather live elsewhere. I think he was trying to get away from our other cat. First it was next door but one, then when they got a dog it was our immediate neighbours. It did annoy us but he did still come home for food and if it made him happy what can you do! He sadly got cancer and on his last day he spent the whole day with us, almost like he wanted us to know he still considered us his true owners. Our neighbour came with us when we had him PTS and we all cried like babies. Our other cat is completely different and so loyal to us. Like a few people have said, cats be cats. We think we own and control them but in reality they are the ones in charge!

Tangerinenets · 09/11/2024 09:27

Yanbu. It’s infuriating when people do this with cats. A neighbour did it with my cat. I asked her over and over not to feed him but she carried on. We were due to move house so In the end when he came home one day I put him in the cat carrier and took him to my mums house. She lives in a rural location so he was really happy there. It’s actually theft under the new law “the pet abduction act 2024”.

WoIsMe · 09/11/2024 10:57

KrisAkabusi · 08/11/2024 17:43

You don't actually sound like you want him back. You keep saying things like "I think it's gone too far for me to be able to get him to live here again now" and "I honestly don't think they would be able to stop letting him in if he thinks he lives at their house now. He would meow to be let in". Dozens of people have said to keep him locked up for a couple of weeks, but it doesn't sound like you're going to do that. To me it sounds very "I've tried nothing and it hasn't worked."

Either you want the cat back, in which case put a little effort in, or hand it over to the others.

I don't want him to be unhappy and locking him in my house for weeks on end would definitely do that. As far as he's concerned he's got a nice life with somewhere warm to go and somewhere with food to go! I didn't post looking for suggestions on how to do fix the situations, more in the hope that people would say, YANBU as it is annoying that another family would tempt your cat in with food and a nice quiet place to sleep.

OP posts:
xsquared · 09/11/2024 13:26

WoIsMe · 09/11/2024 10:57

I don't want him to be unhappy and locking him in my house for weeks on end would definitely do that. As far as he's concerned he's got a nice life with somewhere warm to go and somewhere with food to go! I didn't post looking for suggestions on how to do fix the situations, more in the hope that people would say, YANBU as it is annoying that another family would tempt your cat in with food and a nice quiet place to sleep.

What of something happens to him that requires vet attention? Will you assume the neighbours will ske care of it and pay for vet bills? Or are you happy to cover the costs even though the cat is not "yours" anymore?

You can't be certain that your neighbours will be better carers for your cat, but given yoir recent posts, it seems like you've decided to let the cat go anyway.

WoIsMe · 10/11/2024 08:03

@xsquared he got an infected bite recently and they came round to tell me. I collected him from their house and took him to the vet. I also take him for his annual check up and use preventative treatments for fleas, worms and ticks.

OP posts:
SALaw · 10/11/2024 08:28

Well this is the weird thing about cats - surely everyone knows that?! Wouldn't be for me, but presumably you take your chances when you let the cat out the door to wander round every day.

Sceptical123 · 10/11/2024 08:36

WoIsMe · 10/11/2024 08:03

@xsquared he got an infected bite recently and they came round to tell me. I collected him from their house and took him to the vet. I also take him for his annual check up and use preventative treatments for fleas, worms and ticks.

I think this is so out of order. It sounds like they want your cat, but without the expense of keeping it. You need to make the transfer of ownership legal bc it sounds like even if you have a verbal agreement that he’s theirs now, if he has some big op that needs funding you can expect another knock at your door. Either that or they stop letting it in. He won’t sit out side their house for weeks on end with no interaction or response to his mews. He’ll come back to yours where he can be guaranteed a warm bed, food and a place to stay. It’s ridiculous you pay for his upkeep in his absence - do they think they’re some kind of bizarre cattery or are doing you a favour?!

xsquared · 10/11/2024 08:58

WoIsMe · 10/11/2024 08:03

@xsquared he got an infected bite recently and they came round to tell me. I collected him from their house and took him to the vet. I also take him for his annual check up and use preventative treatments for fleas, worms and ticks.

And you're happy with that arrangement? Either they keep him amd take full responsibility of caring for him or you do.

Greenkindness · 10/11/2024 09:04

I think he’s either your cat or their can with regard to all aspect of his care, this half way agreement would annoy me immensely.

Greenkindness · 10/11/2024 09:07

I’d just tell them they need to arrange treatment and shut it down. If they get the benefit of his company and being their pet, you have to take the rough with the smooth. Being a pet owner isn’t all cuddles on the sofa and purring.

they are taking the mickey.

Mintyt · 10/11/2024 09:10

But your a cat owner and your doing what you should as a responsible owner, I know it's not nice but you need to think that the cats happy !

Sewaccidentprone · 10/11/2024 09:15

A few years ago the couple across the road from me had a second child. They also had 2 cats. One of the cats didn’t like this and moved in with us. We didn’t feed him or encourage him, I took him back home every day and asked them to lock their cat flap and keep him in.

he just came straight back to ours. He was ‘best mates’ with my cat. We didn’t encourage him at all. I tried a special cat flap which only my 3 cats could get in (my cats were rubbish and couldn’t work out the mechanism took literally one second to unlock - either locked in or locked out cats) which didn’t work out.

just gave up in the end and he ate there but nothing else.

when they moved they seriously considered leaving him with me 😂

he was perfectly nice cat, but I already had enough pets.

i had also had a different cat ages ago who just decided he preferred to live with a neighbour. They moved and he came back to us.

cats can be v fickle.

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 10/11/2024 09:30

zingally · 07/11/2024 14:05

We acquired a cat in this way. A huge ginger tom appeared on the scene and started hanging around our street. Ridiculously friendly and would barrel into your house the second a door opened.

We never fed him, but he ended up spending more and more time at our house. Mostly just snoozing.

It turned out he lived with a family a few streets away who had 3 boys under the age of about 8... This poor middle aged cat just wanted some peace!
After a couple of years, the family wanted to move away, the cat was getting elderly, so rather than uproot him, they asked if we wanted to take him on? Of course we did. He spent his final 3 years living with us, enjoying the peace and quiet! We loved him very much, and still talk about him often, despite him being gone the better part of 20 years now. 😥

We'd never have stolen him, but unfortunately cats tend to make up their own minds about who they want to live with!

“We never fed him”

”The original owners had children”

”He chose us”

It’s cat stealer bingo.

WoIsMe · 10/11/2024 10:12

I know it's inconsistent, after saying that I want him to be happy, but I don't want to ask the couple whether they want to take ownership of my cat. I'm resentful that they let him into their house and that they were feeding him. Why should I reward them for that by giving him to them? When he comes home, whoever sees him first calls out, "Marty's home" and we all come to see him for strokes and to give him his food and and make a fuss. But as soon as he's finished eating then he leaves again. I don't actually want to rehome him; he's a lovely cat.

OP posts:
PoorUncleBarry · 10/11/2024 10:15

It sucks op, my cat broke up with me too and he left me for Carol 3 doors away. You need a discussion with the new mother about the financial responsibilities etc if she is going to take ownership.

zingally · 10/11/2024 12:54

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 10/11/2024 09:30

“We never fed him”

”The original owners had children”

”He chose us”

It’s cat stealer bingo.

Said by someone whose cat couldn't stand them.

Lemuriformes · 10/11/2024 13:07

It's tough I know. I have the opposite problem at the moment. A local cat gallops in through my door as soon as I open it and heads straight for my cats' food or starts playing with their toys. I have done nothing to encourage it, and now open the front door carefully with a water spray bottle in hand, but it's seriously persistent!

It's clearly not a stray as it looks sleek and well fed. I've posted on local cat forums and asked around the neighbourhood but can't find the owner, and short of them locking it in all day there's probably nothing they could do anyway.

I wouldn't mind, but one of mine is getting over being seriously ill, and his little sister feels like she needs to defend us all so both mine are getting a bit stressed by the whole thing.