Pregnant and husband frustrated at the lack of intimacy

[wizadora1991]

Am I being unreasonable?

I’m 35 weeks pregnant and my Husband is getting angry / frustrated at the lack of intimacy

I’ve struggled with horrific HG sickness this pregnancy up until about 26 weeks and have also been very low with my mental health. I have been chasing a referral to the Mental Health team since August and yesterday was the first day I got seen by my new midwife who said I have an appointment on Friday with the team

Bit of context, as I’ve been poorly my Husband has been picking up the slack at home. Housework and looking after our 3yo DC, as well as working a full time job (works from home). I understand how tired he must also be

We have tried to have sex through the course of my pregnancy twice, but neither of us liked it so we stopped. However he still wants me to ‘fulfil his needs’ should we say

I must admit this is the last thing on my mind, with my MH being so low, he see’s me crying and low most days

Last night it wasn’t great, he was very frustrated. The day before I’d said oh i’d love to do ‘something’ for you tomorrow, when he said it had been a while. I was too tired at that particular time. Anyway yesterday I was unexpectedly out all day while DC was at nursery. Midwife in the morning who ended up running an hour late so I had to rearrange, really upset about this as I knew we were FINALLY going to be able to talk about my MH referral

I then had an appt at the salon to get some bits done for my baby shower at the weekend, the first time this entire pregnancy I have been out to get something done to feel human again. Then the midwife called to get me back in thankfully, so I was with her for an hour

By the time I had finished everything it was time to pick DC up from nursery. Then I came home and cooked tea. Husband put DC to bed and walked the dogs after. I was really tired (9pm) so asked if he wanted to go play his game for a bit as I knew it was early, or come to bed with me. He said he’d go on his game

I went to bed and fell asleep pretty much straight away. He came to bed about 10.40pm he says

I was in a half sleep like state and didn’t really stir properly until about 11.30pm, at which point I heard him slam his phone down and huff. I asked him to turn around and if he wanted what I’d suggested and he just said ‘oh no don’t bother don’t put yourself out’ then went onto proceed how it had been 3 weeks since anything, how I never make any effort in that department and I never think about what he wants or put him first ever

I just sort of acknowledged and quietly turned around as I was upset. I must admit that anything sexual really is the last thing I’m thinking about.

Am I wrong to think he shouldn’t be making me feel bad about it? I know he’s human and has needs but he truly knows how much I’m struggling physically and mentally. I just need to get through these last few weeks. He has the capacity to sort himself out but his attitude is ‘why should I, i want you to do it’ - which I get cause he wants to be close with me

I always tell him how gorgeous he is etc and cuddle / kiss him so he does get attention

He’s in such a mood with me this morning, slamming things around and being very short with me. It’s making me feel very on edge as I just want to be in a relaxed environment. Feeling very deflated

I asked him to come and speak, no real resolution to be honest but no argument either

He explained he thought I was telling him to go on his game, rather than asking if that’s what he wanted. As in telling him cause i wasn’t gonna do anything for him. His main issue is that I promised to do something for him yesterday and didnt follow through.

Also when we’re talking about something we’re talking hands only. He absolutely knows there is NO CHANCE of any mouth action, I haven’t done this in years after a HPV cancer scare. Though he does still complain… in a kind of jokey way about this

I basically said that I still offered something to him last night but because I wasn’t raring to go, he cut his nose off to spite his face. I said that he needs to realise that I’m pregnant (did try to explain about if he had a chronic condition and was ill etc but don’t think I did very well) and poorly emotionally and physically. Pleasuring him is the last thing I’m thinking of

He then said that that was exactly the issue. He see’s me thinking of him and wanting to please him as a way for me to show love to him, but of course he’d never force me to do anything. He apologised for the tantrum and the way he went about it, but sticks by the fact that he has needs / wants also. He does everything for this family at the moment and wants something back

I responded by saying that I thought it was outrageous, our sex life outside of pregnancy is great. People go for longer without sex. He can pleasure himself etc. Sort of just fell on deaf ears I feel as he didn’t really respond but didn’t argue either

Conversation was cut short as funnily enough my midwife called to check up on me and how I was getting on after our appt yesterday. Haven’t spoken about it since but he’s acting normaL so that’s the most I can ask for I suppose

I won’t be going out of my way to offer anything to him and I don’t expect he’ll act that way again. If he does we will have serious words

“He does everything for this family at the moment and wants something back”

You are not a hooker. You do not give sexual favours (whilst pregnant!) as payment for anything. I’m so sorry he is treating you this way

Also he is not doing “everything” for the family. You are literally CREATING the family.

Ugh I’m so annoyed for you OP.

You've nailed it

What I notice in your post, is that you spend a long time talking about how the midwife was late etc, justifying why you didn't want to have sex with him. You really, really don't need to justify it. If you don't want to have sex with someone, ever, for any reason, that is absolutely okay, and not something you have to justify to anyone.

Your husband is a pig - he needs calling out and a swift and dramatic change of attitude. He needs to do some soul searching, as to why he thinks his boner is your chore to solve, and why he is entitled to sex with you when he feels like it.

Given your latest message , I think the two of you could do with both sitting down with some kind of mediator. The both of you seem to have absolutely no idea that you are not put on this earth to service his needs.

OP, this is not a good man.
Please educate yourself about the different types of abuse, coercion, manipulation.
You are here to service his needs irrespective of your own feelings.
You need to protect yourself from his awful behaviour and not be afraid to reach out for domestic abuse support.
Take care.

I am horrified by what I’ve read. He is disgusting, truly disgusting. You are heavily pregnant and he should be looking after you, not pestering you for sex acts. I am so sorry that you ended up with a self-centred bastard.

EWWW.
After that I'm amazed if you don't have the ick for the next decade.
He can have all the 'wants and needs' in the world. No one has a right to sexual contact from anyone except with themselves. If you have no desire to do anything and he still thinks he's entitled to it then he is a massive bellend.
Obviously in a longer term 'no sex' relationship then anyone is also free to say they can't tolerate it and leave. But a man who thinks no matter how you feel physically even when you are GROWING HIS CHILD that you should feel obliged get him off as if it is some kind of payment for him doing his job as a husband and father and he can't even manage without for a few weeks/months is a massive thundercunt.
And has a worrying attitude to consent.

Tell him to sit on his right hand for a half hour. Then when he wanks it'll feel like someone else is doing it

Op - have either of you considered for even one second about YOUR needs at the moment?

'the most you can ask for'.....jesus...no, it's really not. You deserve to be treated respectfully. Buy him a book for expectant Dads, he might get some perspective on what you're going through.

'...sticks by the fact that he has needs / wants also. He does everything for this family at the moment and wants something back'

Yup he still sounds like a massive cunt. Hand jobs are not a need. They are a want. And he can want them all he likes but unless they are given with enthusiastic consent then he is far worse than a cunt.
I can't believe the audacity to say to the woman who is currently growing his child that he isn't getting enough back because he isn't getting a wank. He's getting a child, without risking his health or his life to do so. Christ he sounds hideous.

It's not a 'need', it's a 'want'. He prioritises his wants (which he could perfectly easily deal with himself) over the health and well-being of his heavily pregnant wife. And he's willing to use pressure and anger to make you do what he wants.

This is 🤮.

Do people actually live like this and think it is normal?

I hope you get the help you need from the MH team and some therapy to talk through what you endure in your marriage.

It is really really depressing to read your updates OP. There should not be a discussion about it, he is behaving appallingly end of. Your bar is so very low if you think this is a good man, he isn't he is just awful.

Conversation was cut short as funnily enough my midwife called to check up on me and how I was getting on after our appt yesterday. Haven’t spoken about it since but he’s acting normaL so that’s the most I can ask for I suppose

Sweetheart, this really isn't the most you can hope for. It's far, far below what you should expect from a partner.

He’s disgusting. I would tell him to pack his bags. How can you ever trust or want to live with this man again? You say he’s a great dad but how would he feel about a partner treating his child when older like this?
HG is horrific. I’d doubt he’d be up for much if he had what feels like norovirus for months on end.
He has a hand. He can use it. Good grief this has been will reading and I’m not the one living it. Does he realise you’re also about to give birth and likely no sex on the cards for a long time too?

Also ‘wants something back’

🤢

Why! Is having a happy and healthy family not enough for him.

He doesn't see you as an equal human being. He knows you are physically and mentally unwell at the moment but he simply doesn't care. He sees you as an appliance that he's entitled to use. The fact that he's taking up the slack for a short period of time does not mean you owe him.

He sounds like a disgusting selfish pig.

Good god how do you have the energy for all this twaddle? He has eyes, he’s an adult, he should be able to see his wife is exhausted and unwell. If you’re having to spell it out to him he’s just a massive arsehole.

A comparison:

When I was 13 weeks pregnant we had sex and then a few hours later I had a really big bleed and miscarriage scare, that ended up with me in hospital. Thankfully baby was fine and it was just a scare. However my husband said that we should wait until after she was born to have full sex again, it wasn’t worth the risk (despite him having a high sex drive). He was patient for 6 months, we did have some forms of intimacy over that time, but there was never any pressure, he never sulked or made me feel bad about it.

What your husband is doing is unacceptable. And you need to tell him that. Sexual contact should never be coerced, under pressure, unnatural. And there should never be sulking and emotional manipulation.

"sticks by the fact that he has needs / wants also. He does everything for this family at the moment and wants something back"

This is disgusting. You are unwell and pregnant. Utterly disgusting.

This is one of the saddest messages. Please don’t continue to live like this - if you don’t want sex it’s fine; he has no right to your body