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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant and husband frustrated at the lack of intimacy

101 replies

wizadora1991 · 07/11/2024 08:24

Am I being unreasonable?

I’m 35 weeks pregnant and my Husband is getting angry / frustrated at the lack of intimacy

I’ve struggled with horrific HG sickness this pregnancy up until about 26 weeks and have also been very low with my mental health. I have been chasing a referral to the Mental Health team since August and yesterday was the first day I got seen by my new midwife who said I have an appointment on Friday with the team

Bit of context, as I’ve been poorly my Husband has been picking up the slack at home. Housework and looking after our 3yo DC, as well as working a full time job (works from home). I understand how tired he must also be

We have tried to have sex through the course of my pregnancy twice, but neither of us liked it so we stopped. However he still wants me to ‘fulfil his needs’ should we say

I must admit this is the last thing on my mind, with my MH being so low, he see’s me crying and low most days

Last night it wasn’t great, he was very frustrated. The day before I’d said oh i’d love to do ‘something’ for you tomorrow, when he said it had been a while. I was too tired at that particular time. Anyway yesterday I was unexpectedly out all day while DC was at nursery. Midwife in the morning who ended up running an hour late so I had to rearrange, really upset about this as I knew we were FINALLY going to be able to talk about my MH referral

I then had an appt at the salon to get some bits done for my baby shower at the weekend, the first time this entire pregnancy I have been out to get something done to feel human again. Then the midwife called to get me back in thankfully, so I was with her for an hour

By the time I had finished everything it was time to pick DC up from nursery. Then I came home and cooked tea. Husband put DC to bed and walked the dogs after. I was really tired (9pm) so asked if he wanted to go play his game for a bit as I knew it was early, or come to bed with me. He said he’d go on his game

I went to bed and fell asleep pretty much straight away. He came to bed about 10.40pm he says

I was in a half sleep like state and didn’t really stir properly until about 11.30pm, at which point I heard him slam his phone down and huff. I asked him to turn around and if he wanted what I’d suggested and he just said ‘oh no don’t bother don’t put yourself out’ then went onto proceed how it had been 3 weeks since anything, how I never make any effort in that department and I never think about what he wants or put him first ever

I just sort of acknowledged and quietly turned around as I was upset. I must admit that anything sexual really is the last thing I’m thinking about.

Am I wrong to think he shouldn’t be making me feel bad about it? I know he’s human and has needs but he truly knows how much I’m struggling physically and mentally. I just need to get through these last few weeks. He has the capacity to sort himself out but his attitude is ‘why should I, i want you to do it’ - which I get cause he wants to be close with me

I always tell him how gorgeous he is etc and cuddle / kiss him so he does get attention

He’s in such a mood with me this morning, slamming things around and being very short with me. It’s making me feel very on edge as I just want to be in a relaxed environment. Feeling very deflated

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 07/11/2024 08:26

Are you sure your poor MH isn't connected to him?

Newmum2610 · 07/11/2024 08:27

Well this makes my skin crawl, assuming your husband has use of his right hand tell him to take care of himself.
Honestly! Who wakes a pregnant woman to have a tantrum.
Yuck!

2024onwardsandup · 07/11/2024 08:27

he is being awful

Soocks · 07/11/2024 08:29

OP, this is absolutely abusive.
Please call your GP for advice.
You are a very very vulnerable woman and he is a total bully and sex pest.
You are heavily pregnant.
His behaviour is not normal at all.
His anger, bad mood, slamming things is all domestic abuse.
Please call your GP for a chat.
Call Womens aid for advice and support too.

This is not a good man.
Have you family nearby?
If so I would pack and go and stay with them where you will be safe.

I am so so sorry for you.

MSLRT · 07/11/2024 08:32

Tell him to sort himself out. People go through long periods of being single - they cope. They aren’t sexually frustrated. It always annoys me when people say they have ‘needs’ and expect someone else to satisfy those needs. Tell him to watch some porn and have some alone time.

AttachmentFTW · 07/11/2024 08:33

Hey OP I'm so sorry he did that to you. It's completely out of line and abusive. Does he behave this way when he doesn't get what he wants in other areas of life or is it just sex? I am of the view that sex is important in a relationship, but care, compassion, understanding, kindness and supporting one another through difficult periods are much more important. I did wonder about his behaviour/attitude generally and how this impacts on your MH.

Boobygravy · 07/11/2024 08:36

That's awful.
I can't imagine a grown man throwing a tantrum because his unwell dw isn't up for it.

Instead of feeling upset you should be feeling angry.

My gran couldn't have dc after her 2nd. It was too dangerous for her in the 1930's.
So there was no sex and my grandad accepted that.
Thank god he wasn't an abusive a*se.

Sparklfairy · 07/11/2024 08:37

MSLRT · 07/11/2024 08:32

Tell him to sort himself out. People go through long periods of being single - they cope. They aren’t sexually frustrated. It always annoys me when people say they have ‘needs’ and expect someone else to satisfy those needs. Tell him to watch some porn and have some alone time.

I always wonder this. How on earth do they cope when they're single?? The truth is the majority of men can't just line up hook ups from tinder every night of the week, so it's perplexing how suddenly when they're in a relationship these 'needs' that only someone else can satisfy appear and miraculously their own hand isn't good enough anymore.

Or, just maybe, these men are manipulative and feel entitled to 'their' woman's body as and when they feel like it.

Anywherebuthere · 07/11/2024 08:39

Sorry OP he sounds awful.

What is he like when you're not pregnant? He should be extra caring and considerate towards you after you've been so ill and pregnant.

Original poster
wizadora1991 · 07/11/2024 08:40

AttachmentFTW · 07/11/2024 08:33

Hey OP I'm so sorry he did that to you. It's completely out of line and abusive. Does he behave this way when he doesn't get what he wants in other areas of life or is it just sex? I am of the view that sex is important in a relationship, but care, compassion, understanding, kindness and supporting one another through difficult periods are much more important. I did wonder about his behaviour/attitude generally and how this impacts on your MH.

@AttachmentFTW I fear I’ve made him sound like a horrible person. He really isn’t, he is very supportive normally. Though definitely has his moody moments like everyone else does. He’s never once been aggressive physically or verbally or anything like that in our decade of being together and is an amazing dad

Unfortunately pregnancy just doesn’t tend to agree with me. I suffer immensely through the whole thing, did with my first also. So this baby will absolutely be our last. It puts extra strain on our relationship, although this one is worse as we have our first to think about

Our SL when I’m not pregnant is fantastic and I actively tell him i cannot wait to get back to that as I truly do miss feeling close to him. But at this moment in time I just don’t feel very ‘sexual’ if you like and I admit I don’t even think about it at all when we get to bed on an evening

OP posts:
Marblesbackagain · 07/11/2024 08:41

His behaviour, which is in no way acceptable needs to be called out. You acknowledge he is under a lot of pressure and I am sure he is worried about you and your current struggles. Some people when scared so become hostile.

He needs to apologise, look for someway to manage stress and yes sort himself out.

Anywherebuthere · 07/11/2024 08:43

wizadora1991 · 07/11/2024 08:40

@AttachmentFTW I fear I’ve made him sound like a horrible person. He really isn’t, he is very supportive normally. Though definitely has his moody moments like everyone else does. He’s never once been aggressive physically or verbally or anything like that in our decade of being together and is an amazing dad

Unfortunately pregnancy just doesn’t tend to agree with me. I suffer immensely through the whole thing, did with my first also. So this baby will absolutely be our last. It puts extra strain on our relationship, although this one is worse as we have our first to think about

Our SL when I’m not pregnant is fantastic and I actively tell him i cannot wait to get back to that as I truly do miss feeling close to him. But at this moment in time I just don’t feel very ‘sexual’ if you like and I admit I don’t even think about it at all when we get to bed on an evening

Show quote history

It sounds horrible because the way he is behaving is horrible.

Any goodness gets cancelled out by this kind of attitude and behaviour. Other types of abuse exist, not just physical and verbal

Devilsmommy · 07/11/2024 08:45

Newmum2610 · 07/11/2024 08:27

Well this makes my skin crawl, assuming your husband has use of his right hand tell him to take care of himself.
Honestly! Who wakes a pregnant woman to have a tantrum.
Yuck!

100% this. What a twat. I was the same during my pregnancy, no interest in sex at all. My DH never had a sulk and tantrums over it though

OneKookyPinkShaker · 07/11/2024 08:50

I think your husband is being totally unreasonable and a knob tbh.

I was sick pretty much my entire pregnancy and once I got to the second trimester everything felt very swollen down there so was sore if we tried anything. I think we maybe had sex 2 or 3 times the entire pregnancy.

After ds was born due to being diagnosed with a prolapse at 6 weeks pp I didn't feel ready to have sex until about 3 months pp. I just found it a lot mentally to deal with my body changing so much. I'm now 6 months pp and just due to lack of sleep and sometimes feeling very touched out by a clingy bf baby, we have maybe again had sex 2 or 3 times in 3 months.

Now I know this isn't ideal but not once has my husband complained or pressured me into sex and we know this is just a temporary phase in our relationship.

I think your husband needs to be more supportive.

I hope you get the MY support and help you need now.

Pumpkinsandchutney · 07/11/2024 08:51

I do wonder if your feelings around your mental health may be in part because of your DHs behaviour when you're unwell and need support? He needs a quick handjob because he's worn out working and caring for a 3yr old whilst you're unwell? What was he like after your last DCs birth - hassling you for sex whilst you're recovering and unavailable? Or did you have to add sorting him out to your " to do" list or he'd sulk?
I think you need to have a calm chat about both your expectations over the next few months. He sounds childish sulking because he's not getting sex when he could sort himself out until youre feeling fit and well again. Him trying to coerce you into sex is not the right balance.

WonderingAboutBabies · 07/11/2024 08:52

Absolutely disgusting pig of a man. This is 100% never ok, pregnant or not. Partners/DH's should be supportive. My husband would never dream of doing this.

ginasevern · 07/11/2024 08:53

OP, you say he isn't being verbally or physically abusive but he actually is. Sulking, slamming things around, huffing and being short (basically rude) to you. This is all abuse. To say nothing of waking you up late at night for sex. In fact, his behaviour would be enough for many women to re-evaluate their continued sexual attraction to him. Unfortunately he is far from alone. Men are innately selfish creatures who put their own needs first regardless. You must sit him down, away from the bedroom, and tell him how ill he is making you feel and that his attitude will damage your relationship going forward - if you even want to go forward.

OhshutupSimonyounobhead · 07/11/2024 08:53

I don't think I could ever look at him the same after his behaviour to be honest. It would make me rethink the entire relationship. I would tell to him grow the fuck up or get the fuck out.

waryandbored · 07/11/2024 08:55

I’m 38w pregnant and haven’t had sex with my partner for about 4 months. I’ve had dreadful sickness and PGP. Like yours, mine has been picking up the slack at home doing everything that I can’t do and making sure I’m rested as much as possible. Not once has he complained. We’ve both said we miss each other and we look forward to getting the intimacy back. We make an effort to cuddle and kiss but I really don’t feel like doing anything more than that and he understands.
Your OH is selfish and it’s quite sickening to be honest. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it.

green33 · 07/11/2024 08:58

This is such a sad post to read.

Elphamouche · 07/11/2024 08:59

He’s disgusting. And this is before you’ve had baby? He’s going to get worse.

Laiste · 07/11/2024 09:03

Where is he now?

Has he apologised or is he still huffing around?

Does he usually apologise for a bad mood?

Soocks · 07/11/2024 09:07

"He’s in such a mood with me this morning, slamming things around and being very short with me. It’s making me feel very on edge as I just want to be in a relaxed environment. Feeling very deflated"

This is abusive behaviour OP.
It is not the behaviour of a good man.

Do not be kidding yourself.
He is a sex pest, bullying and harassing a pregnant woman.

He is a disgrace.
Talk to your medical team.

NineOneOne · 07/11/2024 09:08

You've made him sound like the cunt he is. And now you're defending him. Please don't assume it's normal for grown arse men to be stroppy and moody because their heavily pregnant wife hasnt sucked his dick or likewise. That is so far from normal and I hope you can realise that. He is a pig!!

SereneFish · 07/11/2024 09:09

Abusive men are never awful all the time. That's why women stay with them.

I'd bet your mental health will improve miraculously the moment this gross sex pest is out of your house. Mine did.