Pregnant and husband frustrated at the lack of intimacy

[wizadora1991]

Am I being unreasonable?

I’m 35 weeks pregnant and my Husband is getting angry / frustrated at the lack of intimacy

I’ve struggled with horrific HG sickness this pregnancy up until about 26 weeks and have also been very low with my mental health. I have been chasing a referral to the Mental Health team since August and yesterday was the first day I got seen by my new midwife who said I have an appointment on Friday with the team

Bit of context, as I’ve been poorly my Husband has been picking up the slack at home. Housework and looking after our 3yo DC, as well as working a full time job (works from home). I understand how tired he must also be

We have tried to have sex through the course of my pregnancy twice, but neither of us liked it so we stopped. However he still wants me to ‘fulfil his needs’ should we say

I must admit this is the last thing on my mind, with my MH being so low, he see’s me crying and low most days

Last night it wasn’t great, he was very frustrated. The day before I’d said oh i’d love to do ‘something’ for you tomorrow, when he said it had been a while. I was too tired at that particular time. Anyway yesterday I was unexpectedly out all day while DC was at nursery. Midwife in the morning who ended up running an hour late so I had to rearrange, really upset about this as I knew we were FINALLY going to be able to talk about my MH referral

I then had an appt at the salon to get some bits done for my baby shower at the weekend, the first time this entire pregnancy I have been out to get something done to feel human again. Then the midwife called to get me back in thankfully, so I was with her for an hour

By the time I had finished everything it was time to pick DC up from nursery. Then I came home and cooked tea. Husband put DC to bed and walked the dogs after. I was really tired (9pm) so asked if he wanted to go play his game for a bit as I knew it was early, or come to bed with me. He said he’d go on his game

I went to bed and fell asleep pretty much straight away. He came to bed about 10.40pm he says

I was in a half sleep like state and didn’t really stir properly until about 11.30pm, at which point I heard him slam his phone down and huff. I asked him to turn around and if he wanted what I’d suggested and he just said ‘oh no don’t bother don’t put yourself out’ then went onto proceed how it had been 3 weeks since anything, how I never make any effort in that department and I never think about what he wants or put him first ever

I just sort of acknowledged and quietly turned around as I was upset. I must admit that anything sexual really is the last thing I’m thinking about.

Am I wrong to think he shouldn’t be making me feel bad about it? I know he’s human and has needs but he truly knows how much I’m struggling physically and mentally. I just need to get through these last few weeks. He has the capacity to sort himself out but his attitude is ‘why should I, i want you to do it’ - which I get cause he wants to be close with me

I always tell him how gorgeous he is etc and cuddle / kiss him so he does get attention

He’s in such a mood with me this morning, slamming things around and being very short with me. It’s making me feel very on edge as I just want to be in a relaxed environment. Feeling very deflated

So you should not be doing anything sexual at all. You don't exist to service him. The waling you up to huff, being bratty this morning is aggression op.

Anyone who can see you suffering and prioritise their sexual desire is a dick.

The saddest thing is that the OP thinks this vile pig is a good man.

God help her and her children.
What sort of rearing and background brought her and women like her to a place that this vile abusive pig is what they think a good man behaves like.

I would be devastated if my daughters were being abused like this, particularly during pregnancy.

Funny how some women defend men like this but won't talk to their doctor or mid wife about it, or check with Women's aid.

Deep dow they know they are vile pigs.

So sad.

Oh and any sex the OP has in these circumstances is COERCIVE SEX.

THIS IS A CRIME AND MARITAL RAPE.

Apologies for shouting but so many women do not understand that coercive sex is a crime, the crime of rape.

So I only felt like having sex once when pregnant and not for two years afterwards. My DH didn't feel entitled to my body so it wasn't an issue and things recommenced when I felt ready. I'm really sorry your DH is so vile and entitled.

This is horrible and disgusting behaviour, borderline abuse.

Ask yourself honestly OP: if your husband was very sick and tired, would you wake him up and act aggressive to him because you wanted him to finger you? Would you then carry on being aggressive the day after? Presumably not. Because you're not a monster. You don't have to accept this behaviour from him, it's not normal and you deserve so much more.

This. This is a great way of thinking for you to understand op how utterly unacceptable his behaviour is,

You have a very very low bar for what you think makes a good man. Possibly from something in your history.

A good man would never behave like this.

This thread will be hard reading for you, as it seems like this is new. Take your time but have a good hard think.

He woke his heavily pregnant, exhausted wife up because he was angry he wasn't getting a blow job. He doesn't sound remotely lovely, he sounds like a coercive cunt.
Point him in the direction of the spare room, pornhub and his right hand and tell him he is on his final warning.

Uch what a prick

Tell him use his hand or not at all.

Some men are just selfish and or thick. Love to see him grow a baby and want a shag when his mental health is shit.

I’m pregnant with my 3rd and have gone off sex during all my pregnancies and a while after with recovering from birth and then breastfeeding, sleeplessness and being touched out. I know he misses it but would never ever pressure me because he’s not a massive prick.

YABU to not call him out for his atrocious behaviour

Terrible behaviour. If he is as kind and reasonable as you’re saying he is then sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not be engaging in anything sexual from now on unless you are the one to initiate it. That you are disappointed with him and that you expect him to respect you at this very draining stage of your pregnancy. You do not owe him sex.

Shove a watermelon up his arse then ask him if he feels frisky!

Your dh is class A dick!! This will not improve when the baby is born!

I don't see how encouraging him to use porn is going to help their relationship.
His attitude to his DW is already bad enough without making it even more dysfunctional.
And I don't see how OP lying in bed knowing he's getting off to watching porn is going to make her feel good.

Oh so he's lovely when he's not being abusive? That's OK then!

OP please talk to your midwife.

I haven't had sex since I conceived my daughter and she's 16 months old.

You are clearly worried you have painted him in a bad light, and are possibly dismissing all our answers because we don't know him like you do.

So Let's say for arguments sake for the rest of the time he is the best husband ever.

He is STILL an abusive arsehole.

No good man EVER behaves like this.

Never. Ever. Ever.

It is a shame for you that you think he is a good man. But I hope you work it out for your daughters sake. Otherwise she will also end up obliviously in an abusive relationship.

I would tell him to stop being a child and look after himself. I wish men knew what being pregnant was like!

I’m about to sit down and talk to him
to explain I think he has been unfair, i’ll let you all know how it goes. Thank you so much, truly

Mines 7months, DH and I are going away this weekend so we’ll see! But DH hasn’t complained once, we’ve spoken about it and it’s an open conversation.

I have a 3yo and I am 34 weeks pregnant and I had HG up until 25 weeks when I was able to come off my medication

I haven't had sex with my partner since before the vomiting started at 6 weeks and I've given him exactly 1 BJ

Your husband is being absolutely disgusting and you are absolutely not being unreasonable

I don't have all the answers because my partner has said he misses being intimate, but treating you like that is appalling, don't let him gaslight you into thinking this is ok

Unfair?

That's a diplomatic way to put it

What a disgusting attitude he has

What have I just read OP?! I feel sick. Your husband is being vile and totally unreasonable. Why would you ever want to have intimacy with him again after that behaviour?!

I have HG, am 35 weeks and also have a 3 year old, and we haven’t had sex since I found out I was pregnant (sickness started pretty much immediately). Tbh it’s not on either of our agendas, I still feel terrible every day and that’s obvious to my husband - I’d only be doing it for him and he doesn’t find that hot. I really miss the closeness and connection but ffs an HG pregnancy is fucking horrific and in a relationship that’s supposed to last forever, one year isn’t a long time. Your husband is being a dickhead and I hope he realises that.

All this made me think is eew he's vile. You're 35 weeks pregnant and unwell. He should be doing whatever he can to support you and make you feel comfortable. Not demanding bjs. He's honestly disgusting.

Just wanted to say that you are human and have needs. You are struggling physically and emotionally. He should be meeting those needs. His want for sexual contact is a want not a need. And demanding it when you are so not in that place is outright abusive.

Good luck! I am hopeful me and my H will get back on track eventually but while I am still cosleeping with the baby and he is with our eldest in his room (we have 2 delicate sleepers!) we're OK with just trying to get as much sleep as possible. Our time will come again!