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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday card by 8 year old

121 replies

Createausername1234 · 06/11/2024 20:15

hello, hope all are keeping well.
It would be great to know others' experience please so that I know I am not overthinking.
My birthday was yesterday. We have been married for 12 years and in the last 2 years DH has put in effort to cook nice meals, get a cake etc. which is really nice(my husband was not a very thoughtful person, he has been working really hard to change that nature which is really good). Our DD(8) seems to be so excited during the days leading up to my birthday. However, even after several reminders from my husband, she did not bother making a card for me.

However, there are things she gets so excited about e.g. she was supposed to take something to school (to match her friend) and she reminded herself to do it.

I know I sound so petty but I am kinda not feeling motivated to go out of my way for her. This year I organised 3 separate birthday parties for her. This was the same case last year too on my birthday - lots of promises but no card.

How would you approach it? Should I just let it go? I can be an overthinker, so I am confused.

OP posts:
WhatASadLittleLifeJayne · 06/11/2024 20:51

I am kinda not feeling motivated to go out of my way for her.

For your EIGHT year old daughter???? Fucking hell, poor kid. Grow up OP.

…. Also, she does have your husband’s DNA. Obviously. Are you well??

rainbowsparkle28 · 06/11/2024 20:52

Seriously. Grow up. And stop being emotionally abusive towards your 8 year old child. Your emotions are not her responsibility to shoulder and she is 8, the other adult in this situation should be facilitating this if she has not remembered herself. And saying you don't want to make an effort for her because of it. Wow. How old are you? That is cold. Get a grip, be the adult and get some help for your clear insecurities and debt mindset that your child "owes" you something.

V0xPopuli · 06/11/2024 20:53

Im gonna disagree with the crowd on this one. If she's got the capacity to remember things for herself, she could have managed a quick card. 8 year olds can be quite selfish and remember all manner of things for their own interests, we don't have to assume they'll outgrow that, we can choose to encourage them to be more empathetic & thoughtful.

My 8 yr old would have remembered, we've talked about how sad he'd feel if we all forgot his birthday. We've always focussed a lot on the "giving" aspect of birthdays.

I think I'd wait a couple of days, then sit down and gently say it was a shame she didn't make the card as you were looking forward to it.

V0xPopuli · 06/11/2024 20:55

And people read the op - her DH reminded the DD several times. Its not hard to fold a piece of paper or card & draw a picture of a cake or something and write "happy birthday mum" inside

WhatASadLittleLifeJayne · 06/11/2024 20:56

V0xPopuli · 06/11/2024 20:55

And people read the op - her DH reminded the DD several times. Its not hard to fold a piece of paper or card & draw a picture of a cake or something and write "happy birthday mum" inside

Don’t you think the way OP is speaking about her own child is a bit mad though? 😵‍💫

fatphalange · 06/11/2024 20:57

V0xPopuli · 06/11/2024 20:55

And people read the op - her DH reminded the DD several times. Its not hard to fold a piece of paper or card & draw a picture of a cake or something and write "happy birthday mum" inside

Fleeting disappointment would be a more proportionate response. Not what OP has described.

Mill3nnial · 06/11/2024 21:03

Grow up

Mrsttcno1 · 06/11/2024 21:05

V0xPopuli · 06/11/2024 20:55

And people read the op - her DH reminded the DD several times. Its not hard to fold a piece of paper or card & draw a picture of a cake or something and write "happy birthday mum" inside

And how hard would it have been for him to say “let’s sit together and make mum a birthday card”?

Children have to be taught these things, and considering up until 2 years ago her husband wasn’t even getting her a card where exactly do you think an 8 year old is going to have learned that this is important from?

It was less hassle for him to go “well I’ve reminded her” than it would have been to actually help her to make a card which would then have been a lesson for Christmas/Mothers Day/next birthday.

These are teaching moments, not “well I told you and you forgot so now you don’t get a birthday party” moments

BlueSilverCats · 06/11/2024 21:06

V0xPopuli · 06/11/2024 20:55

And people read the op - her DH reminded the DD several times. Its not hard to fold a piece of paper or card & draw a picture of a cake or something and write "happy birthday mum" inside

DD would freak out about it not being good enough , or what she should actually draw, which of the things I like should she pick, can she draw them well , or will I like it (I'm not critical, the kid has issues ) and end up not doing it either. It's easier and kinder to just buy a card (or use one from the stockpile) that she'll write a message in.

verycloakanddaggers · 06/11/2024 21:10

I know I sound so petty but I am kinda not feeling motivated to go out of my way for her About an 8yo child's birthday. Seriously, you needs long think.

MilesOfCarpetTiles · 06/11/2024 21:11

Go no contact with her OP

Gagaandgag · 06/11/2024 21:14

MilesOfCarpetTiles · 06/11/2024 21:11

Go no contact with her OP

😂😂🙈

Gagaandgag · 06/11/2024 21:15

Why couldn’t your husband have sat with her? What sort of relationship do they have? He doesn’t sound particularly hands on.

I have a feeling what is happening here is you have felt let down by your husband often and it’s somehow changed your mindset to think you should also watch out for being let down by your daughter.

I honestly think you should consider counselling for this reaction

lilla93 · 06/11/2024 21:30

Absolutely ridiculous

Original poster
Createausername1234 · 06/11/2024 21:55

Gagaandgag · 06/11/2024 21:15

Why couldn’t your husband have sat with her? What sort of relationship do they have? He doesn’t sound particularly hands on.

I have a feeling what is happening here is you have felt let down by your husband often and it’s somehow changed your mindset to think you should also watch out for being let down by your daughter.

I honestly think you should consider counselling for this reaction

Edited

Yea, I worry that she will grow up to be very selfish, not to me, but let's say to her potential partner(kinda like how my husband was for the first few years). I moved to the UK from another country (no friends, family etc.) and I felt very lonely during the first few years. I am not trying to reason my post but providing more details that I worry a lot about what kind of person will she be when she grows up.

To a different quote earlier about DNA - Sorry, English is not my first language. What I meant by DNA is that I worry that she has inherited the 'lazy DNA' and whether I have to work hard to ensure that she is not going to turn out to be very selfish. I don't even know if these characteristics are heriditary, these are my wild thoughts I am sharing on MN.

OP posts:
clary · 06/11/2024 22:01

Why three birthday parties OP? One is fine.

But tbh your 8yo making a birthday card for you comes under the heading of tasks for your DH. Organising it at least. I cannot believe you are planning to punish her (by not making much of her birthday) for this.

Edited to add: I see you have accepted this so please ignore

ShamblesRock · 06/11/2024 22:07

I visited my 18 year old at university the weekend before my birthday, I had to get the 12 year old to remind her to pick a card for me when in the shop, which I then paid for.

😂

BlueSilverCats · 06/11/2024 22:09

The difference OP, is that he is a grown ass man and she is an 8 yo child. Take up your (unresolved) issues with him, don't project them on your daughter or make them her responsibility.

Can you imagine being raised by a parent that's just waiting to notice/find the worst traits of your other parent in you?

WhichSock · 06/11/2024 22:12

Is the 8 a typo? Do you mean 18 or 28?

Or are you seriously considering not making an effort to punish an 8 YEAR OLD for not making you a card?

78Summer · 06/11/2024 22:13

She is 8. Not much more to be said.

Sepoctnov · 06/11/2024 22:19

Wtf I've heard it all now.
You're are the parent, she's the child. And she is 8 ffs.

ForPearlViper · 06/11/2024 22:22

I feel there is much more going on her, despite language difficulties, and feel desperately sorry for the poor kid.

Gagaandgag · 06/11/2024 22:24

I understand your mindset a little more now op, I really think talking this through with someone in real life will help you with this - the projection of your feelings about your husband onto your child.
If It isn’t resolved it could seriously damage your relationship with her and her self esteem
Good luck

Cravingtoffeeapples · 06/11/2024 22:26

She’s 8…poor kid

Tvp123 · 06/11/2024 22:28

Are you having a fucking laugh? She is 8. She won't understand that you not getting a card from her will upset you. Your expectations of her emotional maturity are way too high.
I'm going to say if you are thinking of not putting in the effort for her because of this you really need go get some therapy because that would be some awful parenting. I'd be thinking you might be a bit narcissistic.