AIBU to think you can't say anything anymore incase you offend someone?

[k2493]

My youngest child often has one friend come over every morning, and they walk to school together. Occasionally, another one or two friends join in, and they all walk to school together.

One of the other friends that I haven't seen in ages and probably met about three times knocked on the door before school and came inside. While waiting for my child to be ready and other friend to knock, I tried to make polite conversation like this:

Hey, how are you? How was the half term? Did you guys go away like .... mum because of school hours or does your mum not get the week off like me? There was no agenda, I was simply asking because a couple of both of my kids parents work school hours.

This kid couldn't have looked more uncomfortable and just said no my mum works. I genuinely didn't know what I did and left it at that.

Later that day both my kids were like "Mum you can't ask that anymore". I was like ask what if someone is lucky enough to have half term off to go away. They were like no, you can't ask private details anymore.

Am I going mad? I said to dh when we were younger we knew everyone's parents, where they worked, hobbies, etc it was no big deal. Maybe its because my mum and dad had a close circle of friends and so we knew if we couldn't reach them, we could reach our friends parents.

Now apparently you shouldn't talk to your kids' friends at all, let alone ask questions

Does anyone else experience this? I would be interested to know. There is so much going on in the world that I can't believe this is something I have to worry about

Please don't twist my words and be nasty. There was no agenda, I was simply trying to make polite conversation early in the morning.

I wouldn't call that an interrogation. You were making conversation and your intention was presumably to put them at ease. I guess you can just ask more open questions in future. What have you been up to? Did you do anything nice? How did you spend the week etc etc. We don't need to make the world a cold place for our kids.

This is always said by people who have an agenda ime...

I'm not sure it's ever been a good idea to ask a child those questions. They are 'probing' questions designed to illicit information you want, rather than open questions which are used to encourage conversation and allow the child to tell you what they want to share. How was half term? Is a great open question. The rest not very polite. This hadn't changed and is true for all interaction with new people child or adult.

I’M ENGLISH!

waiting….

waiting…

waiting…

Well that’s disappointing.

English or Spanish?

If someone 'puts people at ease' by asking them lots of questions about their / their family members' work patterns, and casually assuming that the only possible reason they could have for not going on a holiday is lack of annual leave.... they badly need to improve their people skills and emotional IQ.

Yes! Exactly.

This isn't a new thing.

This is the last time I'm posting. I have been a single mum and a married mum, I have had pittance with no holidays and now thankfully have a very different life filled with love and life's essentials. I have not worked, worked part time and full time. There was NO AGENDA. I was trying to make polite conversation in a rush to get ready for work, get teenagers out the door and sort my day out. I work with some extremely vulnerable people and do know how to speak, thank you. I do find it sad that life is so different from when we were kids and that everyone assumes there is a agenda, that I'm goading or being a snob. I also find it sad that as my eldest says unlike me they can't contact friends parents in a emergency because no one in there circle discusses these things anymore. No wonder no one can stay safe in the world for fear of being too nosey. Don't know what else to say except that sadly I may have to ask my youngest to ask there friends to wait outside or physically leave the room in my own home until they leave for school in fear of saying the wrong thing from what started as polite conversation.

No wonder no one can stay safe in the world

🤣

Even if it was unintentional though, your questions weren't polite. We've all been unintentionally rude on occasion - the normal thing to do is just to reflect on it and try not to ask rude questions in future.

Instead you posted a goady thread about how you "can't say anything to anyone any more".

@k2493 you are taking this to the extreme. There is a difference between asking a child "how was your half term? Did you go anywhere nice?" and "does your mum get half terms off like me". Children compare and often think their friendship it better than they do. The child's parents might not have much money and child may wish his or her mum had half term off. It's the comparison in your question that made your kids react. Just take that part out and ask straight forward questions like below

• how are your parents?
• did you do anything nice over the holidays?
• what's your favourite subject at school?
• do you play any sports?

etc etc. Follow up with what they say I the same style "Sounds like you had a great half term". You don't need to say what you did unless asked as they will get that from your children.

It really isn't a world where you can't say anything. You just need to be tuned in to who you are speaking to

There are so many uptight, bitchy people on MN who disagree for the sake of it and love to make a poster feel bad. What do they get out of it? It makes them feel superior probably, just once in their tragic lives. You know you did nothing wrong.

That's a rather dramatic reaction to a situation that could easily be managed by asking open questions instead of probing ones OP.

Does that make you feel good to laugh at someone who's obviously upset? Nasty little twat

What a weird way of phrasing questions- in comparison to yourself. Why not just ask them if they had a nice half term like a normal person? Why do you need to throw your own situation or other people's into the mix? You're almost asking them to justify their family's position. You sound like a proper oddball in your posts as well, which are weirdly phrased.

It really is best not to ask any personal questions and it isn't fair to ask children. I've never done that (since I became a reasonably mature adult), and I do not like being questioned.

It sounds as though you submitted a barrage of questions, there really was no need.

If you have nothing to say, say nothing except asking how someone is today and being pleasant.

If somebody had managed to extract a sound out of me at that age, the answers would have been;

Hey, how are you?

I was feeling a bit safer because we're back at school. But not now, as anybody asking questions (especially somebody who's a teacher) always ends up in my getting battered at some point when I'm at home minding my own business.

'Um, OK?'

How was the half term?

Shit, as usual. She went off on one, came crashing into my bedroom at 2.52am shrieking and throwing my stuff around at me including books, pulled the shelving unit over onto my bed and then made me clean it all. Got better after that because she fucked up her back again doing it, so she took a shitload of painkillers and stayed in bed for the next two days, meaning I got to stay downstairs with the dog and cat and feed myself. Got a bit fed up with salad cream sandwiches after a while, though.

'S'alright, thanks'

Did you guys go away like .... mum because of school hours or does your mum not get the week off like me?

What? No. We don't do holidays. Holidays are what, to quote my mother 'Smug rich bitches like @k2493 do, if she ever tries sticking her nose in my business and asking you questions, you don't say a word because I'll know all about it when she's gone to Social Services and then I'll make you pay for that'. And why would I want to go on holiday and be trapped in a caravan non stop for 7 nights with that in any case?

Not get the week off? She hasn't worked in 30 years since she got married. Are you going to have a dig at me now for being poor or tell me that she should really get a job now that I'm at Secondary? I've had that from other friends' mums before. I wasn't allowed to be friends with them anymore and got a walloping for answering and saying she didn't work.

In any case, the question doesn't give me the option of answering because you've closed it down to whether she can get time off work

'Ummm....'<looks around desperately for friend to rescue me>

The intention may have been friendly, but depending upon who you're speaking to/at, the actual effect can be incredibly stressful.

That's highly overdramatic. Just a bit too much, just like your questions.

Yeah right. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙈🙈🙈🙈

In case is two words.

Op, all that happened is a child wasn't very talkative with you, and your kids were self conscious about their mum talking to their friend. Surely this is isn't an unusual occurrence? I work with and am parent to teenagers and they look at me like I've said something ridiculous daily. When has anyone even said the child was actually offended or upset?

People are just suggesting possible reasons the child might have struggled to answer, or your kids may have objected, not saying you did actually have an agenda. They are just discussing because you made it a big deal by posting about it and you seemed to be questioning what you said wrong. They are not saying you should never make small talk again. I get it though, I'm terrible for overanalyzing interactions.

I don't think it's a 'these days' thing. Surely there have always been some people who are less comfortable discussing their life with people they don't know well, and some who are more open / talkative?

Somewhat of an over reaction. It's not your intention that is important it's the child's perception. I worked with children for decades and would never ask that kind of question unless I actually needed to know.

I think you need to seperate gathering of information you feel necessary for safety from making conversation with a child to put them at ease in your home. If you feel safer knowing certain things before allowing your child to visit a home, you need to be direct and reach out to the parent with your (relevent) requests for information. Could we exchange contact numbers? What are the plans for DC visit? Etc. If you are worried that red flags are being missed if we can't question other people's children, then you shouldn't. If you make a child feel sufficiently at ease to share what they choose, you are far more likely to pick these up than be asking them direct questions, which make people feel pressured and close down. This may be especially the case for a child where there are things 'to hide' in the home. No one is saying don't have social interaction with other people, just offering advice on a way to do it that doesn't intrude.

mum because of school hours or does your mum not get the week off like me?

Is this what you actually said??
If you did then I would be thinking WTH is wrong with you. Do you not see how bloody inquisitive and ignorant you came across?

Why would her mum get the week off like you or make such an assumption? Honestly, some people.

Weird question to ask a child in the first place and as to your thread, get a grip.