AIBU to think you can't say anything anymore incase you offend someone?

[k2493]

My youngest child often has one friend come over every morning, and they walk to school together. Occasionally, another one or two friends join in, and they all walk to school together.

One of the other friends that I haven't seen in ages and probably met about three times knocked on the door before school and came inside. While waiting for my child to be ready and other friend to knock, I tried to make polite conversation like this:

Hey, how are you? How was the half term? Did you guys go away like .... mum because of school hours or does your mum not get the week off like me? There was no agenda, I was simply asking because a couple of both of my kids parents work school hours.

This kid couldn't have looked more uncomfortable and just said no my mum works. I genuinely didn't know what I did and left it at that.

Later that day both my kids were like "Mum you can't ask that anymore". I was like ask what if someone is lucky enough to have half term off to go away. They were like no, you can't ask private details anymore.

Am I going mad? I said to dh when we were younger we knew everyone's parents, where they worked, hobbies, etc it was no big deal. Maybe its because my mum and dad had a close circle of friends and so we knew if we couldn't reach them, we could reach our friends parents.

Now apparently you shouldn't talk to your kids' friends at all, let alone ask questions

Does anyone else experience this? I would be interested to know. There is so much going on in the world that I can't believe this is something I have to worry about

Please don't twist my words and be nasty. There was no agenda, I was simply trying to make polite conversation early in the morning.

Hey, how are you? How was the half term? Did you guys go away

You should have stopped there. Honestly I can’t even understand the waffle about mums being off work like you, or why you added that.

YABU to post a Daily Mail style headline as the title of your post. Of course people can say things without offending others.

YANBU to find it frustrating how many reasons your children will find to be embarrassed by you. Just breathing wrong as a mum to teens can be "oh my GOD, you're so extra."

‘Does your mum not get the week off like me?

is a very odd phrase of questioning and sounds more like an interrogation

Of course you can say things without offending people. However, your rambling about holidays did stray into territory that could be perceived as personal and/or judgemental.
As @WickedlyCharmed said, you should have stopped at, "Did you go away?"

If I heard you word it like that I’d take it as smugness. Do you often word things weirdly?

It's quite easy to talk to people without offending them.

Are you asking whether it's new for children to be terminally embarrassed by their mums chatting to their mates?

If so, no.

Are you asking whether or not you wittered on into nosy territory rather than small talk?

Yes.

I don't think you can draw grandiose conclusions from either of those things.

It can make them feel bad if they can't afford a
vacation, or aren't going away for other reasons.

No, it's perfectly fine and if someone gets offended, it's not terminal. If you read MN, you'll probably know that you should only say please and thank you and otherwise remain silent. Every question should be answered with a little while lie because, God forbid, you might offend someone if you tell them that you don't want to take part in a Christmas triathlon with their mother in law because you fancy binging on Netflix in your PJs, thank you very much.

In real life though, I find that people who get offended at perfectly normal conversation tend to helpfully remove themselves from your immediate circle and you find yourself surrounded by beautiful friends who are happy to tell you how much their mechanic charged them or that you forgot to put sugar in the homemade cake you just served them.

I think your wording was a bit too deep. I would ask if they stayed at home at half term but I wouldn’t ask a kid why they stayed at home.

It does sound like a bit of a grilling for a child you barely know ie a multiple part question not just 'did you gave a nice half term', but they were probably shy and kids are easily embarrassed by their parents. I don't think you need to over analyse it or extrapolate that no one can say anything anymore from it. I wouldn't think anymore of a child being uncommunicative around an adult they don't know well!

Although I will say my kids would have found that a strange question because your phrasing presupposes that if someone is off work they can automatically go away, that working is the only reason they wouldn't have. That's an extremely privileged viewpoint. DH or I will take at least some days off every school holidays but we could certainly not go away 6 times a year! So my kids would have struggled for an answer because it was neither of the options you suggested. No we didn't go away, but also no mum didn't have to work...

I wouldn’t worry OP. Everyone in this country has lost their minds. I’ve watched hundreds of people on here call millions of Americans and their democratically elected president every name under the sun today. You were just making conversation.

I agree with this, your questioning sounds like it strayed beyond simple chatting to pass the time to a bit of a grilling about their mum’s working pattern to be honest.

Why assume that everyone can afford to go away during half term. Maybe you knew they were skint, maybe not. Still intrusive. Yes kids don't ask their mates anything. My son knows nothing about his mates, even where they live.

The problem is that as an adult you are in position of power in a way and a kid feels that he has to answer your questions. If he doesn’t want to he doesn’t know how to avoid/escape politely. So your questions should be short simple and inviting (to balance your power), not demanding for details.

Sounds a little like the "and where are you going skiing this year?.. oh you don't ski!" (tinkly laugh)

You should have just asked if they had a nice half term and left it to them to tell you more or not. Asking about Mum's work sounds wrong.

Poor kid probably felt embarrassed he didn't go away like your other mum mates.

Did you have a nice half term is fine but beyond that is odd and nosy. I do think adults who assume everyone is off in school hols are a bit odd though eg adults who ask other adults when are you breaking up for Christmas when they don’t work in a school.

You did nothing wrong in my view. You were just making conversation you were in no way being offensive. It seems that some people look to take offence but that’s down to them.

Ahhh. This is making me nosatlgic for the late 80s ITS POLITICAL CORECTNESS GONE MAD I TELLS YA. Might dig out my docs and spark up a doobie for the full experience

OMG thank you everyone. As said there was agenda, it was early. I'm not a morning person at the best of times and often trying to get ready for work before getting teenagers out the door as this is not my only child. Perhaps I could have worded it better. I was simply making polite conversation. From now on I will just say hello and good bye and not attempt small talk.

agree, think back to being a child did you want to speak to friends mums? To be honest I find anyone who says „can’t say anything these days“ to usually be quite unaware of what they say . I’d step away from that phrase as I’m sure that’s not you!

Yeah, what a weird thing to say.

Surely "Did you have fun at half term? What did you get up to?" would suffice?

You asked a loaded question. You may have done it accidentally, but it was loaded nonetheless. Even aside from the comment about the mum working, not everyone can afford to go on holiday every half term.