AIBU to think you can't say anything anymore incase you offend someone?

[k2493]

My youngest child often has one friend come over every morning, and they walk to school together. Occasionally, another one or two friends join in, and they all walk to school together.

One of the other friends that I haven't seen in ages and probably met about three times knocked on the door before school and came inside. While waiting for my child to be ready and other friend to knock, I tried to make polite conversation like this:

Hey, how are you? How was the half term? Did you guys go away like .... mum because of school hours or does your mum not get the week off like me? There was no agenda, I was simply asking because a couple of both of my kids parents work school hours.

This kid couldn't have looked more uncomfortable and just said no my mum works. I genuinely didn't know what I did and left it at that.

Later that day both my kids were like "Mum you can't ask that anymore". I was like ask what if someone is lucky enough to have half term off to go away. They were like no, you can't ask private details anymore.

Am I going mad? I said to dh when we were younger we knew everyone's parents, where they worked, hobbies, etc it was no big deal. Maybe its because my mum and dad had a close circle of friends and so we knew if we couldn't reach them, we could reach our friends parents.

Now apparently you shouldn't talk to your kids' friends at all, let alone ask questions

Does anyone else experience this? I would be interested to know. There is so much going on in the world that I can't believe this is something I have to worry about

Please don't twist my words and be nasty. There was no agenda, I was simply trying to make polite conversation early in the morning.

Same. I find "when are you breaking up for Christmas" a bizarre (and fairly ignorant) question.

It usually comes from someone who is unable to understand that people have lives, jobs and experiences that are different from their own. And anyone with a grain of common sense knows that lots of jobs carry on over Xmas and New Year.

I don't think you were being nosey or too personal, despite most of the very uppity responses to your post. You were just making ordinary polite conversation.
You should have just left it at did you go away, and you sound like you're showing off because you went away? For God's sake.
Maybe everyone should have a prearranged script so nobody is ever offended. Whatever you do, don't think for yourself!

How bloody nosey! I’d be embarrassed too.

So your right to ask what you like is more important than a child's embarrassment? OK.

Yes

It's totally shit OP. You can't even rip up £20 notes in front of the homeless anymore, especially now they are made out of that woke plastic shit. It's PC gone mad I tells ya

Being a full time working parent while raising children gets a bit old.
It is what it is and the kids adapt and are generally fine, but you know what kids are like - "everyone apart from me has an X-Box, "Sam's going skiing at 1/2 term, It's Not Fair" "do I have to go to football camp?"

It's likely that child's parents have done their best to explain why they need to work and why they have to get up and to childcare and your "or does your mum not get the week off like me?" stung.

I'm still getting it now with DS15 - loads of his mate's parents seem to be at home during the day. I'm sure many have taken annual leave, others work shifts etc. He doesn't complain (I'm available ferry him about to a certain extent), but I know he feels the impact of me being a lone parent and working full time.

Poor child probably wondered what on earth you were going on about.

I am massively disappointed that you didn’t ask some random stranger something genuinely offensive and it was just trying to get a teen to interact on an incredibly non offensive low level.

That’s just throwing your toys out of the pram.

Just ask if they did anything nice over half term. And similar non taxing questions

"And when did you last see your father?"

I agree - it doesn't take much imagination to understand that questions about working parents / going away for holidays can be very loaded. It's not as bad as "And where are you skiing this year?", but it's not a million miles off.

I think you were making the point about your parents friends and how you talk to some of your other mum friends about their jobs - but it sounds as though this family is NOT part of your friendship circle, is that correct? You don’t really know their parents, your kids are just friends?! If so, asking the friend if he had a nice half term is kind, asking about the parents’ leave from work is odd 😂

My kids would have hated this, what a bizarre and unnecessary interrogation!

I get that you meant no harm @k2493 But sometimes peoples efforts to try to make idle and banal conversation, strays into nosey and intrusive territory. Grilling your DC's friends about their parents work patterns is OTT.

I get tired of

'Aren't you at work today?' (Clearly not coz I'm in my fucking garden mowing the lawn...!)

'You must be freezing dressed like that out here.' (If I was I'd put a fucking cardigan on.)

'Eating again!' when someone sees me at Maccies having a coke and a medium fries. (Don't comment on what I'm eating FFS!)

Also comments about my weight, whether it's that I've gained it or lost it can get in the bin too. AND comments about what I'm wearing.

ALSO, the most annoying fucker I've encountered this week...

Me and DH were having a bit of banter (him in the house, me on the drive) and I said 'ah, shaddap you old git!' Cue the nosey cow from 2 doors down 'casually' walking past and asking 'is everything all right, I heard you rowing.' I said 'not us you didn't.' 'Oh I heard you shouting at each other' she said with her faux concern. (3 other neighbours listening.) I said 'no! you didn't hear us!' She said 'oh, OK, if you say it wasn't you, then I'll have to believe it wasn't!' and threw her hands up in front of her face. 'I just heard dissent in the camp!' 'Not MY camp' I said. Nosey cow. Single woman in her 50s living on her own. Probably trying to cause trouble.

Some people just need to keep their nose out of other peoples business, and keep their opinions to themselves.

.

Your questions reveal your privilege- as in, those are things you think are fine to talk about.

It’s better to ask less specific questions. That allows them to be more in control and feel more comfortable.

Their mum could be dead, in prison, in Australia or in a psych ward. I’ve been a foster carer and everyone’s intrusive questions were hard to negotiate.

You can be more sensitive. It’s not particularly hard.

It's very privileged to be able to go away. There's more to it than just having the week off work. Poor kid. What a grilling you gave him.

The way you worded it sounded like a humble brag (which could hurt a child’s feelings). I’m not saying it was intentional, but it could have been interpreted as you implying children with parents who don’t take October half term off are less fortunate than yours. We’ve just spent October half term in a hot country swimming in turquoise waters… But in real life I’m keeping my smugness to a minimum 😂won’t make friends being up myself!!

You know what some kids do in half term OP?

They get taken into care.

They spend the whole time on their own or in some form of childcare because their parents have to work.

They spend their whole time in a chaotic/abusive/neglectful household.

They do exciting trips to the food bank.

They have to choose between heating or food.

All kind of fun stuff like that , that they're just dying to share.

You can’t even say you are English anymore, if you say you’re English they come and arrest you.

It does come across as smug and a bit judgemental. Possibly by accident but nonetheless.

As a single parent who had to work through every bloody holiday forever I would have been a bit naused out by that question. It’s not offensive exactly it’s just the complacency of assuming everyone is like you and lacking the tact to realise not everyone can take every school holiday off.

I your “political correctness gone mad” headline is unnecessarily goady too.

Whatever your intentions you clearly made the kid uncomfortable. Who knows why.

Next time just do the oblique "had a good Half Term friend at door?"

"They" really don't Nigel.

Why do you find dwarfism amusing?

you can't ask private details anymore

Kids have it drilled into them not to give out any personal details, because they spend time online. My two are horrified if people start asking personal questions - it's definitely a thing now. Probably a good thing, to be fair.