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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unreasonable to expect family to come to me as I have a baby rather than the other way round?!

100 replies

Suziek12 · 06/11/2024 12:34

Hi all I have a 4.5 month old baby. Is it unreasonable to expect family to visit you rather than the other way round? Some family members expect me to go to them sometimes too, but the way I look at it is my baby has all her stuff at our house ie play mat, baby swing, chair, all his toys, cot if he needs a nap etc. Also it’s more of a faff for me to put baby in the car, carry him in, back out again, take nappies etc with me, when all they have to do is get in the car and drive as they have no kids. We’re in the same town too so not like it’s far for them and can just stop an hour. Thoughts please?!

OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 10/11/2024 08:32

Suziek12 · 06/11/2024 12:55

Sorry can I just add on to this, this is after years of me always visiting others, like my grandparents for example, I have always visited them and never the other way round, even though they knew they were always welcome and I made that clear, they said they didn’t like to bother me and my partner because we’ve got our own lives but we were always welcome there. They are still very much fit and able and have a car, so now I almost feel like now I have a baby, to help me out a bit they should be returning all the effort which I have been making over the years.
same with my mum, was always me going there. I think it’s a thing with the older generation, they seem to expect the younger ones to rally round them. But now I think it’s about time it was the other way round

Ugh, no. Just wrong. As one of the ‘older’ generation I find most are going above and beyond in terms of helping the ‘younger’ generation. Visits, meals, childminding, babysitting and practical help in terms of gardening, house maintenance, decorating… not to mention considerable financial assistance are all commonplace among my friends.

Spirallingdownwards · 10/11/2024 08:33

4 weeks yes but 4.5 months - seriously?

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 10/11/2024 08:43

Taking a baby anywhere is such a faff it needs to be worth it. Comments like “you don’t need to take much…” LOL. Clothes, wipes, nappies and nappy sacks, a change mat, barrier cream if using, bottles, formula if not breast feeding (either ready to feed bottles or powder pots measured out), a way to make up and store that formula if not ready to feed (rapid cool, flask), a way to transport open formula or made up formula (ice packs etc.), dummy, bibs, muslins, sun hat or winter hat if there’s going to be any time outside, a blanket, then you need to think about the practical things whilst you’re there like having somewhere to put them down (playmat or something. If they have dogs that’s an extra layer of thought about where you can safely put them down), and somewhere for them to sleep (maybe baby will have a contact nap whilst you chat, maybe they need quiet and a cot), where is an appropriate place to change them (is this a house you can use a bed, are you better on the floor somewhere if your postpartum knees can handle it, and see previous comment about them having a dog!).
Then there’s the car journey, the car seats, the baby hating being in the car and screaming the whole way, whether to wake them to get them out if they fall asleep, sometimes even the parking situation to think about when you get there.

All of this is pre-weaning or potty training as well where you then have SO MUCH more to carry and mess to worry about wherever you go.

Yes- all of these things are doable absolutely, but like I say, only if the people are worth it and willing to make effort with you too. After my first visit or two with my first as a baby, my MIL openly commented how she’d forgotten how hard this all is and went and bought a change mat, wipes, some toys, a play mat, a high chair, some ready to feed formula for emergencies, all the little bits that made going to hers easier and less stressful. She doesn’t drive either so it is me going to her.

Others DO drive, have seen the baggage carried around with a baby in tow, have other young children visiting them regularly so know the things that would help, but still do nothing to make visits to them easier or willing to come to us from time to time.

Guess who I make more effort with and will go through the palava of taking a baby (with older siblings now too!) to visit. Obviously the ones who have empathy.

Edingril · 10/11/2024 08:44

You are not the Queen with your royal subjects lined up outside waiting to be in your presence, babies can travel

JRM17 · 10/11/2024 09:23

Why would you want to be stuck in a house with a baby. I'd be bored to tears, granted I was back at work by the time my son was 4.5mo but even before that I can count on one hand the days we spent in the house. Go out meet people show off your creation lol. My son had been to various parts of England, Scotland and Wales by the time he was 3 weeks old and it always puzzled me why people used babies as an excuse to not go anywhere.

Jiski · 10/11/2024 09:42

Yanbu. However, if you’re at their house you get to choose when you leave. If they come to you, they may stay for longer than you want. Are you good at getting rid of visitors?

Apulina · 10/11/2024 10:49

YANBU It is hard to leave the house with a baby, especially when you are not sleeping, running on fumes, and having to navigate nap times, pack up baby and all their stuff. I barely left the house, other than for walks and essential trips for about a year with twins. It doesn't really matter what anyone else's experience is though, if you are finding it hard to visit others, then I would say this directly to them and invite them over.

Moellen54 · 10/11/2024 10:50

Actually I think its easier at that age than later. And I would have loved gran and grandad to be just a short drive but sadly as a forces family they were miles away. You should be getting baby used to other places and honestly the change bag and a couple of toys are all you need. So yes YABU

NewGreenDuck · 10/11/2024 11:09

Blimey! I must have been doing something wrong! I took a few nappies, a change of clothes, wipes and me!

CurlewKate · 10/11/2024 11:41

Love the idea of @Nodlikeyouwerelistening struggling under weight of a sun hat.....🤣

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 10/11/2024 12:19

CurlewKate · 10/11/2024 11:41

Love the idea of @Nodlikeyouwerelistening struggling under weight of a sun hat.....🤣

I think you missed a few things on the list, Sweetie xx

CurlewKate · 10/11/2024 12:38

@Nodlikeyouwerelistening "I think you missed a few things on the list, Sweetie xx"

Of course I did. But ffs-once you're past the newborn stage and recovered from the birth, does nobody just get on with things with a baby? I mean- a change of clothes, a few nappies, a couple of bottles and cartons of ready made milk and you're good to go.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 10/11/2024 12:47

CurlewKate · 10/11/2024 12:38

@Nodlikeyouwerelistening "I think you missed a few things on the list, Sweetie xx"

Of course I did. But ffs-once you're past the newborn stage and recovered from the birth, does nobody just get on with things with a baby? I mean- a change of clothes, a few nappies, a couple of bottles and cartons of ready made milk and you're good to go.

No, not that simple. “Recovered from birth” is different for different people. I assure you I was not “recovered” after 4.5 months with one of mine physically, and certainly not mentally!
One of mine had CMPA so was on special formula so a carton of ready to feed wasn’t an option. A change of clothes I assure you was not enough with a CPMA baby!

4.5 months is not the same for everyone. Parenting is not the same for everyone. The people you are visiting are not always understanding or make things easy.

It’s unkind to dismiss a new mum for not having as easy time as another did.

CurlewKate · 10/11/2024 12:58

@Nodlikeyouwerelistening "It’s unkind to dismiss a new mum for not having as easy time as another did."

I didn't. It IS unkind to tell new mums that their lives are over and it's practically impossible to leave the house. Because for most it isn't. Yes, for some it's tough. But there is no suggestion that the OP has any particular difficulties. And by 4.5 months, getting out and about is easy and desirable for most women.

Mumsnet seems to take pleasure in making everything look so difficult.

Chaz22 · 10/11/2024 13:08

It’s unreasonable to always expect other people to make the effort but it’s also unreasonable for it to always be you making the effort. I don’t visit people who never reciprocate at least some of the time. If they want to see my child they will make an effort it shouldn’t always be me going to them, unless there’s genuine reasons like elderly relatives who can’t get out or family with difficult work schedules.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 10/11/2024 13:09

@CurlewKate OP has also NOT said she doesn’t have difficulties, it’s an assumption people have made before piling on.

Leaving the house with children is important, but it IS harder. Life doesn’t stop when you have children but it does change in ways you can’t imagine before having them. And yes, some days it is impossible to leave the house. And that’s okay too.

cockadoodledandy · 10/11/2024 13:09

Not only is this selfish, lazy and incredibly entitled but it’s also good for your child to go to other houses and environments.

Can you imagine if people with babies always expected people to come to them? You’d end up with an entire generation at stalemate.

Manthide · 10/11/2024 20:39

Suziek12 · 06/11/2024 12:55

Sorry can I just add on to this, this is after years of me always visiting others, like my grandparents for example, I have always visited them and never the other way round, even though they knew they were always welcome and I made that clear, they said they didn’t like to bother me and my partner because we’ve got our own lives but we were always welcome there. They are still very much fit and able and have a car, so now I almost feel like now I have a baby, to help me out a bit they should be returning all the effort which I have been making over the years.
same with my mum, was always me going there. I think it’s a thing with the older generation, they seem to expect the younger ones to rally round them. But now I think it’s about time it was the other way round

I presume your gps don't want to intrude on your busy life but feel they are always available. If you want them to visit invite them!

MounjaroUser · 10/11/2024 20:47

I agree with you, OP. It sounds as though it's all take on their part. Hold back a bit and see if they shift themselves to visit you.

Waffle19 · 10/11/2024 20:54

It gets harder taking a baby to other people’s houses when they’re older, need proper maps, food and somewhere vaguely baby proofed. Better to get into the habit of going to visit people now else you’ll only ever be hosting for the next three years.

stichguru · 10/11/2024 21:50

Have you asked them to come to you and they've refused? Like you sound like you are making an absolute mountain of taking the baby out. However equally if it would be simpler for them to come to you, why don't they?

FirstTimeMumToBe0524 · 12/11/2024 17:09

Fellow mum to a 4.5 month old here!
I’d rather go to other peoples houses to be honest - means my house stays tidy, I don’t need to worry about having the biscuits in or cleaning up after any one and it also means if the baby is tired we can leave easily without trying to politely usher people out the door!
I keep a clean portable changing mat and rattles, teethers, etc and a couple of books in the car so I can keep her entertained out and about which has always been helpful!

NoThanksymm · 12/11/2024 19:28

This just reaks of parental privilege.

yeah it’s nice in the first weeks, but 4.5 mos it’s back to normal.

DelicateSoundOfEchos · 12/11/2024 19:43

If you don't want to go visiting people that's really OK. But you also have to accept that other people may also feel the same as nobody is obliged to do all the travel and running about. Everyone has their own priorities and demands on their time. Currently yours is your baby, and that's fine, but it doesn't mean others don't have their reasons too.

Grace050 · 13/11/2024 14:36

Wow can't believe the responses! I completely understand why you'd feel more comfortable with people coming to you. Put you and your baby first and do what you want.

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