Unreasonable to expect family to come to me as I have a baby rather than the other way round?!

[Suziek12]

Hi all I have a 4.5 month old baby. Is it unreasonable to expect family to visit you rather than the other way round? Some family members expect me to go to them sometimes too, but the way I look at it is my baby has all her stuff at our house ie play mat, baby swing, chair, all his toys, cot if he needs a nap etc. Also it’s more of a faff for me to put baby in the car, carry him in, back out again, take nappies etc with me, when all they have to do is get in the car and drive as they have no kids. We’re in the same town too so not like it’s far for them and can just stop an hour. Thoughts please?!

Op, how far are you from family members? A bit of both would be good.

To be honest, if you're going by car you can take all the stuff you want. You don't need to get it all out of the car after all. I used to have a changing bag with the emergency items in it in the back of the car all the time, just refilled it when necessary and you can even have a spare baby chair in there too if you want. Then you've got everything with you everywhere you drive.

Absolutely this. It should be shared.
I don’t like hosting much so I usually prefer to be the one to visit, but I do take turns. And I an not entitled and expect to sit in state while everyone flaps round me.

The dynamics between you and your parents/grandparents are totally unchanged by you having a 4.5mo baby. Why would they?

If you're pissed off that you're always making an effort for your elders and you don't want to anymore, fine. But that's got nothing to do with having a baby now.

I’d understand if it was a really long drive, but if it’s the same town, why can’t you visit them sometimes?

Your baby is still at a super portable age, they don’t need all the crap you mention. How hard is it to take a nappy and some wipes and put them in the car seat? Come on seriously !?

When I was a single parent of a 4 month old, I couldn't' wait for an excuse to get out of the house, put baby in the car, and go visit someone else.

YABVU

YANBU OP, as long as it's a bit of both rather than them coming to you every time.

SIL complains to DH that she doesn't see our 5 month old Son often enough, despite literally driving past the end of our road twice a day every day. She's been over our threshold twice since he was both, and expects us / DH to take the baby to visit her every single time. Funny thing is the baby is on his best form here at home surrounded by his own things and familiarity so she's missing him at his best.

We don't need the excuse to get out either, we're out almost every day at various groups and activities (where we don't need to take things to entertain him as they're already there).

Do you invite them to you?
There's a difference between saying you're welcome any time and saying would you like to come for a cuppa on Thurs morning.
Some people need to be asked specifically.
I have a 10 month old and it's give and take, there's not much a 4.5 month old needs and can't cope without for a few hours, wait until they're on the move and into everything.

See I am a mum to a toddler and personally I think it should be 50/50. I expected people to come to be in the first month but once I was able to drive again after c section and baby was used to being in car for baby classes I always did 50/50.

Looking at your updates it seems like these relatives have always expected you to make the effort and after having a baby you’d hope they changed but obviously they haven’t. YANBU for that tbh, I would personally message and say you always travel to them and now you’ve got a baby you’d like it to be more even x

A mix is normal. Sometimes they come to you and sometimes you go to them. While your baby is tiny it's reasonable for the mix to be a bit in favour of people coming to you, but not exclusively.

That said I did call a total stop on car journeys longer than 1.5 hrs after one particularly disastrous journey at age about 4 months until about 1yr but we still visited further-away family occasionally using Trains instead.

I found it easier to visit people when the baby was small and not mobile. They made me cups of tea and I didn't have to clean my house ready for them 😳

How immature

Is this the scenario when your family / in laws want to see the baby regularly, yet won't come to your house? So you're having guilt calls / texts saying "we must see our grandchild etc etc" but they only want you to go to them? That would annoy me, especially if they are fit / well / able to drive etc.

You shouldn’t bother asking mumsnet. I deleted a question I asked as I had responses telling me I could travel 7+ hours in the car with a 10 day old baby, after a C-section,
woth a toddler, whilst probably still receiving medical care from the birth….

you aren’t unreasonable. It won’t be like that forever, but family should understand you’re just doing what you need to do to survive with a small child.

At 4.5 months I'd expect a mix. Really you only need a nappy bag for a couple hours outing and you should have that ready to go?

You may find it changes once baby is mobile. Mine is now almost 11 months and grabs/chews/dismantles anything can get hands on. Great for me, he's making a mess of someone else's house rather than my own 🤣 but shockingly now they think easier to come to me.

Sorry but you are massively being unreasonable.
Go visit your grandparents with your child!
You say they're fit and able but how do you know they don't have aches and pains.
My grandparents rarely visited my house, it was always me going there, I wish I went more often to be honest, but now they're not around. Go whilst you can!
As for your parents, maybe ask if they want to come over, are they actually invited - "hey mum fancy coming over for a brew, could take little one for a walk or something too'

It's give and take, you go there sometimes, they come to you sometimes. Also a 4.5month old only needs a couple nappies, wipes, maybe a spare outfit or two and a bottle/boob for an hour, it's not like you need to drag the cot, swing etc with you, they're not necessities.

I’d expect some give and take tbh. Babies are pretty portable at that age.

You've got a baby not a broken leg. And it's good for babies to get out and about. But obviously your pils are in the wrong, because well, because they are!

@No not unreasonable. Some people either forget / aren’t aware of the amount of physical baggage it takes to bring a baby somewhere."

Hmm. Nappy bag. And?

In what context? Are we talking where you are travelling an hour or two or more and it's a case of whether they come to you or you go to them, in which case I think it's reasonable for you to not bother, or general visits in which case surely you'd take it in turns like you usually would?

At the end of the day you don't have to do anything you don't want to and neither do they but don't expect everyone to change everything just because you've had a baby.

if you lo was 4.5 weeks you might have had a point

If you are only visiting for a short while then you really don't need to take huge amounts of stuff with you. Your baby isn't going to suffer if you haven't taken all of it with you. Just take the bare necessities.

Hi OP, congrats on your recent parenthood. Is this your first? I can well remember trying to get out of the house with my DS, seemed impossible to be remotely close to 'on time' to anything; get them dressed, get me dressed, pack the car, hoping not to forget anything 'important', just about to get them in the car and of course they do a massive poop and then you have to change their nappy and wash them down and dress them again! I'd be running late by then and extra stressed etc.
Seems like a lot of mumsnetters have forgotten those feelings and can be so harsh and dismissive. OP, you do what you feel you can manage. Only you will know what suits you and your baby. If that means inviting elders to yours for a while, do that. If that means going to theirs so that you can leave when you want/need to (do not underestimate the power of this - if they are in your house it may be hard to get them to leave), then do that.
Sure, you shouldn't have to always be the one making the effort in the relationship. But if they don't step up, you have to make hard choices so that you don't overload yourself. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your LO. No matter what age they are.
All the best x

This is the time when the village is supposed to rally round you. In the past, families would come to the new mother and help out, cook, clean etc.

have you invited them? Actually say a time and date and invite them to yours for a cup of tea. The baby may be grizzly so they can see what your day to day life is and help out more

I think with visiting you going to your parents is a bit like you going home. Most people have a key to their parents home and have always let themselves in. Much the same with GPS although maybe not a key but would have been taken regularly as a child. The dynamics are different when visiting adult children and much as you say drop in whenever they will on the whole tend to wait for an invite because there is a partner to consider, they don't have a key and they don't have the familiarity of living with you as the house owner.