Unreasonable to expect family to come to me as I have a baby rather than the other way round?!

[Suziek12]

Hi all I have a 4.5 month old baby. Is it unreasonable to expect family to visit you rather than the other way round? Some family members expect me to go to them sometimes too, but the way I look at it is my baby has all her stuff at our house ie play mat, baby swing, chair, all his toys, cot if he needs a nap etc. Also it’s more of a faff for me to put baby in the car, carry him in, back out again, take nappies etc with me, when all they have to do is get in the car and drive as they have no kids. We’re in the same town too so not like it’s far for them and can just stop an hour. Thoughts please?!

Some family members expect me to go to them sometimes too

They are not unreasonable to expect this. You are unreasonable to expect them to ALWAYS come to you

Also be careful. If you never take your baby to other peoples houses, you are setting yourself for a difficult time when you start doing it later and it's unfamiliar to the baby who is used to being at home and may get anxious and upset

At that age all you need is a bag... change of clothes... made up feeds ( if you're not b'feeding)

Yes, they should also visit you sometimes as well, particularly if they expect to see you often. I’d wonder from your Grandparents comment though - were you expecting them to just pop in on you or initiate visits? What happens if you give a specific invitation or say “Grandparents, we’d love to have you for lunch next Tuesday at 12?”

But your post above a bit different to your first post, which basically suggested you should never have to travel to them. Both sides should be roughly equally visiting and hosting, with allowances for mobility etc.

So it's not the difficulty of leaving the house as you're doing that every day. It's that you can't be bothered with these particular people and are using having a baby as an excuse not to. YABU

If you are using 'amount of stuff' as your reason, then that's going to last several years. This is potentially the lowest 'stuff' age.

Baby just needs milk/boobs, and a changing bag. A playmat can be any blanket, they can nap on that or in a pram and toys can be put in your bag.

They aren't running round in a un-childproofed house full of hazards. They still nap a lot so don't need a lot of toys comparatively. They don't need a high chair. Not that I found these were barriers as you just get on with it, but to say that now is a lot lighter on baby stuff.

It should be roughly even I think.

It usually a bit of both, really. I used to love visiting my relatives homes when my dc were babies. Actually, it was as easier ad they’d make me a cup of tea etc.! Putting stuff in the car or buggy takes a few minutes at most. But if they NEVER come to your house, I can understand how you feel.

You are being unreasonable. Taking a baby out is not a house move. What do you actually need? A spare nappy (2 max), small pack wipes (I used to decant handful into ziploc bag to reduce weight) bottle if not BF, muslin, spare babygro. Perhaps a blanket. Pop hat and coat on baby, into carseat and off you go.

A 4.5mo requires only to observe life around them to be entertained, no need for play mat or toys (can lie on blanket) - a different environment and people is enough for a couple of hours.

When my kids were babies, apart from the first couple of weeks, I was the one who did all the visiting. It was nice to get out of the house, I could take everything I needed with me (they really don't need much that age) and whoever I was visiting (usually my parents) had various bits there anyway (eg parents had a high chair, baby rocker/bouncer & we left a travel cot with them for naps).

YABU to think the world stops because you had a baby. We had friends like this - they could never come to us because they had children. But then we had children too, younger than theirs, and it was still expected we'd go to them. In my experience, if you are saying this you really aren't bothered about the person visiting enough to make the effort to go yourself. Just be honest with yourself. Don't visiting you don't want to see them. Just remember it works both ways.

Yeah basically after years of me doing all the visiting them and nothing back, I feel as though now they can make my life a bit easier now I have a baby and return all the effort that I have previously put in x

YABVU.

Your baby isn't a newborn anymore, it's give and take.

Ridiculous. Babies are exceptionally portable and need very little.

Sometimes you should visit them, sometimes they should visit you.

Sometimes you might meet up at neither of your houses and just have a day out.

If you want them to come to your place, invite them round to lunch or something!

And from that perspective YANBU.

If it were give and take, her family would travel to her sometimes. She says that she has always travelled to them for visits pre-baby and it has never been reciprocated.

She only added that after people began disagreeing with her.

Her first post appeared to suggest that she thought people should be coming to her simply because she had a baby. No other explanation was given so it was a bit of a drip feed.

As per pps ,not going because of paraphernalia is unreasonable. Babies are very portable until they are mobile and hardly need anything at all.
If you want to share venues for visiting that is something different and worth having a conversation about.

I mean I think it's nice to compromise, but you can't seriously be expecting a load of adults to put themselves out so that the baby has access to a swing and a chair.

I didn’t want to go into my whole life story really on here, I could go on and on with it tbh.

Some family members expect me to go to them sometimes too

Keyword there is sometimes, they aren’t expecting you every time to go to there’s only sometimes so yes YABU to expect everyone to pander to you because you had a baby

I think it should be a bit of both to be honest. When my daughter was tiny as in up to 6ish weeks old people came to us which I appreciated as I couldn’t drive then and leaving the house felt like an impossible task sometimes. But now she’s 6 months and for the last 4/5 months we just take turns, sometimes people come to us, sometimes we go to them. For some of those people even though I have a baby it’s still easier for us to go to them as like my grandparents although my gran can drive, she’s a nervous driver, and my granda struggles to leave the house so it’s easier for me to pop baby in the car and go. They shouldn’t be coming to you ever time, but you shouldn’t be going to them every time either, take turns

Well - maybe all this time your grandparents have been accurately saying that they don't want to bother you. In which case you need to invite them to visit (on a particular day, not just saying they are welcome 'any time'). If you explain that at the moment it's easier for you if they come to your place because you have all your child's stuff to hand, they may well be happy to come.
The question of who visits who cuts both ways. The visitor has the trouble of the journey (very short in this case from what you've said) and the host has to provide refreshments and possibly tidy up beforehand.
You seem quite resentful that older members of your family haven't been turning up at your place very often, but they may have been trying to make life easier.

It goes both ways. When my boys were small I don't remember not going out because I had babies. I went out just as much as people visited. What do you need... nappies, change of clothes and feed? You don't need play gym, mat, toys in abundance, bath, steriliser or cot when you go out...

I don't agree with your post sorry OP.

YABU
Babies are very portable; it's not a hardship to grab a changing bag and leave the house. You aren't even relying on public transport.

If you are expected to do all the travelling all of the time, yes, a bit of give and take is reasonable. But YABVU to act like taking a baby out of the house is a huge chore. It isn't.

YANBU

Youre in a season where your needs have changed. And your time constraints. Good friends will do things that make your life easier. Eg I’d ask whether my friend wants me to come to them or go out somewhere - then let them steer location based on ease with baby. I’d probably bring snacks coz that’s what I really needed. Self sufficient visitors who brought food!

you can make an effort for a big event.

we should be kind and tolerant to those in need, and a new parent is in need of additional support. Even if you chose it! It’s still tricky! Why not be kind to your friends.

Visit them for an hour then make tracks. Absolute win to have a grizzly baby who needs a nap.

If it's all one way then you simply need to a) suck it up b) do the bare minimum and realise they have no interest in coming to you c) have a flounce and never see them again unless they come to you.

They'll be far less keen when the baby is mobile and their possessions are at risk 😂

Nope. Now perfect time to visit people as babies are so portable. before they hit terrible 2s and trash people's houses