Unreasonable to expect family to come to me as I have a baby rather than the other way round?!

[Suziek12]

Hi all I have a 4.5 month old baby. Is it unreasonable to expect family to visit you rather than the other way round? Some family members expect me to go to them sometimes too, but the way I look at it is my baby has all her stuff at our house ie play mat, baby swing, chair, all his toys, cot if he needs a nap etc. Also it’s more of a faff for me to put baby in the car, carry him in, back out again, take nappies etc with me, when all they have to do is get in the car and drive as they have no kids. We’re in the same town too so not like it’s far for them and can just stop an hour. Thoughts please?!

Surely you would like to leave the house at some point no?

Yeah I do leave the house everyday @Annoyingfrog whether it’s for a walk out in the pram or a drive/day out or a baby group. Doesn’t mean I want to be visiting peoples houses every week.

Yabu

You can't just expect people to come to you just because you've had a baby,

The more you get out and about the easier it will become, you said it's not far... it's also not far for you, your baby can be without a play mat for an hour or so

Surely this is just give and take? Sometimes you go sometimes they do?

No not unreasonable. Some people either forget / aren’t aware of the amount of physical baggage it takes to bring a baby somewhere. I’d stand your ground, say your door is open to visitors and in time you’ll be able to bring baby round to other people’s houses but just not yet. The ball will then be in their court.

It’s give and take, sometimes they come to you, sometimes you go to them, just like in any friendship/ family situation. You’re not owed them coming only to you to make you’re life easier

Are your family members willing to buy the items that your baby needs to keep at their house? If they did that, would you be prepared to visit them in their homes?

A bit of both I think- if you're just popping around for an hour you don't need all the big physical equipment for baby. Fair enough if it's all day.

depends! Give and take.

I’ve had friends who we take turns of who is hosting. I have friends who expect you to always go to theirs. I know which one I prefer.

it’s always a two way street.

YABU to expect them to ALWAYS come to you, if that’s what you mean. It’s reasonable to expect you to go to them sometimes IMO. It’s harder with a baby but it’s not impossible especially if they are nearby. My mum lives over an hour away so she absolutely comes to me more now I have a baby again, but I have still visited her too on occasion, and it was fairly even when it was just a toddler and school age child.

To be honest when your child is 18 months you would have more of a point as your home would be baby proofed and they would need a proper bed for nap at that point. But how many toys does a 4.5 month old need to get through a couple of hours!?

Also I would say, a 4.5 month old doesn’t need all those things to be okay, though I appreciate they make life easier. If you ever plan on having another you will get used to making do and just taking the baby here there and everywhere as you can’t keep an older child in the house!

Go and make a big mess at their house, eat all their biscuits (drop crumbs) drink all the tea etc. Dump baby toys all over etc.

Then they'll come to you.

YABU. If they were expecting you to visit them every time, then that would be a different story but it’s absolutely ridiculous to suggest you needn’t ever visit anyone again and they should make all the effort simply because you had a baby.

Should be give and take. Sometimes you go there, sometimes they come to you, surely.
Babies don't need all the stuff all the time. I have a 4month old. If I'm just going round someone's house for an hour in the car I just take a baby carrier and a bag of nappies/clothes. Maybe the bouncy chair or playmat if I'm going to be out all day. Usually people are very happy to take them off my hands for a cuddle!

I'd go to them, so long as they are a bit flexible with time so you can fit around naps, alert periods, etc.
But I did quite like getting out, had a change kit in the car, one or two toys only needed.
It's harder when they are toddlers, so I might build up the brownie points now and then get them coming to you for those years!

I mean if you are talking housebound elderly great grandma who has mobility problems then you should probably go to her.

Otherwise sometimes you go to them, sometimes they come to you. Personally I was always happy to get out of my own four walls!

I think it depends - we live 90 mins + from each set of grandparents and I have packed up the car and gone to visit - it took so much energy but both houses have some bits to help.

Equally, when we visit, other family members start trying to make demands about us visiting them - which they never did before we had children and they make no effort to see us whatsoever.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, it has to be give and take, you can’t be expected to give all the time.

When I was on maternity leave with DT’s I visited friends regularly. I wasn’t a fan of baby groups and preferred to see friends. I found that you need very little with you, particularly when they’re very small. I didn’t take much other than nappies and bottles

Spectacularly unreasonable.

I’d cut some slack in the immediate post partum period or with a sick child but beyond that I’d be pretty offended if my friend or family member basically said they couldn’t be bothered to visit me cos it was too hard - especially because that’s likely the situation for years! 4.5 months is actually very portable compared to a toddler.

Leave the chair, swing, mats, toys etc at home - at 4.5 months your baby doesn’t need more than milk, nappies and spare outfit to go out for a couple of hours. Putting a baby and a bag in the car is really not that onerous and is basically what you signed up for when you had a child - everyday things are harder with a kid in tow, doesn’t mean you get a free pass on normal life till the kid is 18!

You visit them sometimes. They visit you sometimes

That wouldn't be unreasonable to expect during the newborn stage when you are both still recovering and getting into a routine. Not now though - your baby is no longer a newborn.

Back to some give and take.

I get that it is difficult with a young baby, and getting out of the house can seem like a military operation in those early months, but you do have to start doing it at some point. I'd say that now is probably as good a time as any. You can't expect people to keep bending to suit you.

You don't need to take all of the clobber with you every time just for a couple of hours. Just baby, car seat (or maybe in the pram), spare clothes, a few nappies and a bottle if formula feeding. No need to pack up the whole house.

Sorry can I just add on to this, this is after years of me always visiting others, like my grandparents for example, I have always visited them and never the other way round, even though they knew they were always welcome and I made that clear, they said they didn’t like to bother me and my partner because we’ve got our own lives but we were always welcome there. They are still very much fit and able and have a car, so now I almost feel like now I have a baby, to help me out a bit they should be returning all the effort which I have been making over the years.
same with my mum, was always me going there. I think it’s a thing with the older generation, they seem to expect the younger ones to rally round them. But now I think it’s about time it was the other way round

Massively and ridiculously unreasonable.

Your baby might be the centre of your world, but it's not the centre of anyone else's.