To go on the school trip or should I leave my child to go herself and hope for the best?

[Notsurewhatisbest]

Not really an AIBU but would appreciate any replies

My daughter is very clingy, will happily go to clubs etc without me but there is a school trip at the beginning of next year for 3 nights and she’s starting to worry about being away from me.

They are looking for parent helpers and I would happily help but I’m worried I’m making things worse and it would be better for her if I wasn’t there to learn to be more independent?

Shes 11 for reference.

So this was me and my daughter, she never enjoyed sleepovers at friends, despite desperately wanting to, numerous times we had to pick her up in the early hours, it came to to the school residential and she really wanted to go, we spoke to her teachers and made them aware, they were amazing and reassured us they would help, plans were put in place for her to be able to phone home, if she wanted to, even arranging the time in advance to ensure if she got upset, she had time to calm down before bed. On the day,she eagerly set off for school, the coach was delayed, the teachers were excellent occupying her helping them organise bags etc, the longer it went on the more nervous we both got, (me because i could see her beginning to have a bit of a wobble) i honestly thought at one bit she was going to get off the coach, i dud cry once she had gone, more so because how proud of her trying to overcome her anxiety, she settled in well, first night was a bit unsettled, but the teachers reassured her, the next 2 nights were slightly better, she did get upset so had nightly calls, however excitedly told us about her day, with the caring nature of the teachers she managed the whole 3 nights. She had the best time and was glad she persevered. Her friends were amazing and supportive and rallied round her ( as were the other mums waving their children off of me 😂) I’d talk to her teachers and make them aware and see if they can help put both yours and her mind at rest, might also be an idea to confide in her best friends mums and enlist their/their childs support, (maybe even sleepovers before if doable) i do however think if you are there, she might want to be with you, so it may not help. Good luck. Ps my daughter is 26 and up until leaving home last year still didn’t like staying out 😂

Weird people are so against you going, it's not like she'll never spend a night away from you, she's just not ready yet. I'd go and give her as much space as she seemed happy with/ needed. someone's parents have to go why not you?

Thanks I thought so too

There can be times where there are developmental or clinical issues and it's better to take a halfway approach, but for the vast majority of children it is better to give them the freedom do age appropriate activities and give them that space to grow and work out what they are capable of.

I do residentials with youth groups and there's nearly always someone who's anxious, and every time so far with some reassurance, perspective and sleep they've all got through the night and been ready for the next day's adventures.

There's a difference between normal anxiety about doing something new and ongoing clinical anxiety. It's ok to be anxious about a school trip. Totally normal. And the usual way through it is to talk about it, reassure and focus on positives. A parent going reinforces that there is something to be anxious about and feeds the fear.

Unless there's a specific reason for a parent to go as a reasonable adjustment for a child with specific needs, a parent of an anxious child is not the best choice for general group support. The parent and child will distract each other. The child can't relax and fully immerse in the experience and the parent is more concerned about one child and less able to focus on the group. You want parents of confident children that are happy that their children are off doing their thing.

I've been a leader with my DCs' groups as well as others. One DS is autistic so there are additional needs to consider. I've done trips with him. I've swerved trips and let him go without me if there's been enough other leaders as he needs that normal experience. I've also had trips where I've been a leader in one group and he's been in another and we've crossed paths at the same event- that's the combination he found harder.

The middle ground between helicopter parent and neglectful DGAS is huge. Helicoptering is unfair to the child as it denies them the chance to develop and explore for themselves with developmentally appropriate opportunities.

Oh dear. No helicopter parenting denies children the essential experience of small risks and managing themselves in age appropriate situations.

That’s a really narrow binary view of parenting.

Effective parenting is one that is warm, loving, responsive and sets boundaries, routines and takes an authoritative (not authoritarian) role.

I think it would do you a lot of good to start setting up situations that promote age appropriate risk and independence to build resilience and confidence.

Have you invited any of her friends over for a sleepover? If not, is there a reason why?

If she has a friend over, the offer may then be reciprocated, and in the excitement of a sleepover with a friend she might worry less.

I did it - school residential and brownies and so have my kids. But I don’t see a residential or sleeping away from your parents amazing rites of passage experience that sets you up with resilience and independence.

So if they need parent helpers and you are happy to go, then go. I can’t see it’s at all harmful and if it gives her comfort and security then you’re building her confidence.
If any of my DC teased another child for something so trivial then they we would have words.

It's unusual for parent helpers to go on an overnight trip, you would need to be DBS checked as a bare minimum.
I personally wouldn't. My DD1 aged 8 has done at least overnight trips with Rainbows and Brownies, without fail tue night before she has a bit of a 'wobble' but she always has a brilliant time.
She needs to build up to this, my DD started with 1 nighters with Rainbows and now 2 nighters with Brownies. She has a 4 night one next year with school, so I knew it was important to build up in prep.

If you want to go, just go! I helped out loads on my DTwins first 3 day residential. It was nice to see them with their friends and enjoying themselves. When they went on their year 6 residential I left them to go alone. It didn't harm them. I was nice to see what their classmates were like and spend some time with other parents and teachers. Once they grow up more they generally don't want anything to do with their parents so make the most of it whilst you can. And bollocks to helicopter parents, my twins enjoyed having me there

I would go if you think it would help her (and you) relax and enjoy it. I don’t think it really matters, she won’t be clingy at 25 and if she is, then that equals a lovely, close mother/daughter relationship. I was a scout leader and often went on camps my dc were on. They loved the fact that myself and their dad were often around on camp.

Just do what you both feel comfortable with. I really don’t think there is a right or wrong answer.

Most kids are not in Brownies/Scouts and haven’t been away on a camp-type experience before school camp at age 11-12. Certainly the ones round here.

Given they are asking for parent helpers I'd go, but ask to be kept as distant from her as possible.
If you were the only parent going I'd say no, but this sounds like a good stepping stone opportunity.
I suspect a lot of the ' it'll be good for her' people haven't ever struggled with real anxiety. You can't just stiff upper lip your way through not feeling that way.

Also I would be uncomfortable with my 11yo being on overnight trip with random adults (the parent helpers) I didn't know and would prefer to be there to keep an eye.

If they want helpers then one option is to help but ask to be put with another group etc. Then you are there if needed but let her get on with it.

It's unusual for parent helpers to be requested.

The acid test for us was did I trust the adults who were going to look after her, and ring me if needed. If so, then for a lot of children I'd say let them go without you if you can. They do gain a lot from it, and it's a year away still so plenty of prep time. In terms of tackling the anxiety round being away from you, it's about making sure the experience overall has a positive feel. She can be sad and upset at times but still feel positive overall. My feeling is the upsides of being away from you probably win out over the potential damage limitation of having you there, if staff are good, your daughter can communicate well with them etc. But it does depend on your child and the set up.