To go on the school trip or should I leave my child to go herself and hope for the best?

[Notsurewhatisbest]

Not really an AIBU but would appreciate any replies

My daughter is very clingy, will happily go to clubs etc without me but there is a school trip at the beginning of next year for 3 nights and she’s starting to worry about being away from me.

They are looking for parent helpers and I would happily help but I’m worried I’m making things worse and it would be better for her if I wasn’t there to learn to be more independent?

Shes 11 for reference.

This is good advice.

Hmm - I'm going to go against the grain here. Presumably you will be sharing with another adult so given neither of you have absolutely no experience of this AND little opportunity AND the school are looking for volunteers it seems like a potential hands off way to loosen the strings.

Talk to the school - can you be put with other kids during the day so you see her at mealtimes and wave her off to bed. You're reassuringly "around" but not with her.

In the meantime, I'd start arranging some sleepovers at yours. They are usually reciprocated and will be considerably shorter than 3 days unless you are friendly with some seriously masochistic parents 😂

I worried about my 11 year olddaughters residential trip. She went ahead and had a ball.

I would go.
They need parent helpers, they've specifically asked. It's not as if you're gate-crashing a school trip.
Your daughter will have a great time, she'll be able to relax and enjoy her semi-independence, comfortable in the knowledge that you're not far away. And it won't be like being at home - you'll have to help out with other kids too - so she'll still have to learn to be away from you. It just won't be as scary as it would if you weren't there at all.

The advantage of a primary school residential is that it will be with teachers and pupils she already knows.

If she does her first residential at secondary, then there is no guarantee that the teachers leading it are ones that have ever taught her, and some of the other pupils on it will be ones she's never met because they're not in any of the same lessons. And you definitely wouldn't be invited.

So I think it's worth her taking the opportunity at primary - without you, so she knows she can do it.

DD's primary had an excellent first residential - two days on the school field. A company brought tents and did team-building and outdoor activities with them. The PTCA cooked breakfast for them. If they needed the toilet in the night, it was far less scary because it was just their ordinary school toilets they were used to. If they really weren't coping, it was easy for parents to collect. And for those who really weren't ready for the camping overnight, they could join in until bedtime and return in time for breakfast, so they didn't miss everything else.

Do you ever leave her in the evenings? If you haven't yet, another staging post might be going out and getting her a babysitter, late enough that she has to go to sleep before you're back.

My manger had this. She still has to sleep with her son as he's so anxious. They stayed nearby when her son went in residential, in case of issues. He had no idea. He had a brilliant time. And they had a mini break. Could you do that instead? Definitely don't go on thr trip itself.

I am surprised you would be allowed to go being a parent. We are not allowed parents of our children on trips.

Children grow up when they are ready, not when they are forced into situations they are not comfortable in. I have always been a complete helicopter parent to ds who is autistic. He is now at 18 living away from home and not giving me a second thought! That's because he always had a lot of support and was allowed to do things when he was ready - and he knows I'm always here for him. He feels secure, that's what builds healthy resilience.

Why don't you just ask DD if she'd like you to go?

I'd talk to the school because they might prefer you not to go, if they have enough other parents volunteering. If your DD is likely to be anxious (either genuinely or because she picks up on your feelings) the teachers might worry that you would be distracted and not able to support the other children properly. Also, if DD does get upset you won't be able to leave with her or sit out activities if you are required to be around for other pupils. Reassure DD that if you aren't there, you will actually be better able to pick her up if she gets upset enough that the teacher thinks she should leave

Teachers will have dealt with nervous kids on these trips before and it's really not a big deal. In much the same way that those who cry at drop off in the morning soon calm down when parents leave, it's something the teachers expect to deal with and they don't need the cryer's parents around to assist.

Our primary school does residential trips from Year 3 onwards (usually 2 nights) so by Year 6 the children are used to them. My DS mentioned on the Year 6 one last year though that another child was upset on the first evening from feeling homesick. Far from laughing at the upset child, they all did their best to comfort him (and the centre staff were lovely too).

The class has the usual broad mix of personalities, but something they have in common is that they are kind to each other. Nobody would be laughed at for that, and even if one kid did do something unkind or failed to read the room (eg laughing at another's distress) other kids would soon put them right (again, nicely, because that's how they are). This is just an ordinary primary too.

No you shouldn't go.
It could cause a lot of problems. You might not have her in your group (many schools put the parent helpers in different groups to their children). That could cause all sorts of problems if she's wanting you around but you're supposed to be supervising other children. Even if she's in your group you might not be able to supervise the other children properly if she's going to be clingy.

She should go on the trip without you.

I like the wobbly stone analogy. I'd go. I don't think children 'learn' independence by being made to do things they don't want to do. If she was 15 it would be different but 11... I have a Dc that age, they are still kids. Sometimes they want their mum.

As they need parent helpers I think you could go to reduce the stress your daughter may feel - you'll be there in the background for support if she needs it, but if she doesn't you're just another parent helping out.

She's only 11, and I don't that you will impact on her development or independence, she's little and not all kids mature at the same time. Kids need to feel secure to develop independence. If she's the same at 16, then that's becoming a problem.

I think you sound very caring, not smothering - if you were, you wouldn't think twice about attending.

😂

I was humming and hawing. But having read your update I do not think you should go. It’s healthy for both of you to have time apart and this is the ideal opportunity.

It will also be nice for you to have a break.

I’ve heard parenting described as being closely tied to your child by a rope, which you let out gradually until they are right at the end of it. Time to start paying it out 😊

I think the helicopter parent comment is mean, I totally understand your worries

She will develop independence and resilience without you. Don't go. You can't cushion her from all of life's challenges. Teachers will take care of her and comfort her if she's homesick.

I've never heard of a school allowing this. I am a teacher.

I went on one DC trip purely because I was also staff. Otherwise parents never went.

I made very sure they weren't in my group and the other staff dealt with them

If they'd been clingy I wouldn't have gone - recipe for disaster

Yup. I saw the thread title and knew there would be the roll-call of arsehole comments.

The posters commenting on how other children would bully the OP's DC about it a bit revealing as well.

Thanks for the (helpful) replies so far, I will read them all tonight.

I just had a Google of what a helicopter parent is and if this is what I sound like then I’m happy!! Surely better a helicopter parent than a parent that doesn’t give a shit?!

What would she like you to do?

In the lead up to my son's first overnight school trip we arranged a few sleepovers to get him used to it. Other kids in the class were also quite anxious so he wasn't the only one having "practice" sleepovers.

He understood that if he changed his mind later on then that was fine, he could face time us first, me or my husband could pop over to say goodnight and then worst case scenario of course he could come home.

Having those 3 options open to him really seemed to help and he was absolutely fine after being quite worried initially.

Hope that helps OP!

Could you go along on the trip, but not be in charge of her group? Might be a good compromise.

Nah. My 30 year old daughter would still be living with me with an 11.00pm curfew except at week-ends if that were the case.
Edited to add: she went on a gap year all over the world when she was 18 and then off to university in a country she'd never lived in after that. Unfortunately, I'm the one whose resilience is low.

Both are equally as dangerous and damaging to children development.

Children generally are anxious because their parents unfortunately unconsciously teach them to be.

Going unconsciously says to her you need me there, you won't manage alone.

Did she not do a year 6 residential trip? Or is this what this is?
Im suprised they’d ask for parents helpers. Trips like that are usually meant so kids can get some independence.
don’t go! It will just perpetuate her never having done it.
It’s all about being away from parents and making memories with your friends!